What is the matter with me? Do I seriously not like Trey as much as I thought I do?
I don't know.
All I know is that I'm watching Degrassi and watching Imogen try to comfort Fiona and all I can think is "I wish I had that. Someone to care and be there for me when I need it. To love me no matter what and want my happiness." Except... I have Trey.
But lately... the idea of seeing Trey or being with Trey or talking to Trey hasn't been as appealing as it once was. Its just... not everything I thought it would be. I thought Trey was this genderqueer, leaning more towards female-to-male... someone who had their shit together. Someone who knew who they were. Someone who wasn't confused about identity or religion or faith... someone who was out and proud about who they were. Someone who was okay with themselves...
But fuck. She is not. She still gets upset if someone questions the Mormon religion. She gets anxiety about just mentioning to anyone in her family that she made be different than the idea they have of her in their minds. Her friends are super possessive.... like Kris gets jealous that Trey spends so much time with me. She doesn't have her life together. She dropped out of school and can't go back. She has a crazy living situation. She drinks and smokes weed a lot. She's a thousand times more insecure than I am.
She's not the person I thought she was but now its way too late to fucking back out of this shit. This is why I absolutely hate getting close to anyone. This is why I fucking hate dating. And this is exactly why I didn't want to ever get involved with anyone again. Gosh. I fucking hate this part.
I fucking hate being obligated to like someone just because I fucking care about them. This is exactly what happened with Caitlin. It wasn't fun anymore. I just wanted to be left alone... on my own, figuring shit out. Saving money. Doing things for me.
I thought I was getting a brother... someone who was just as much male as me, who enjoyed the same things I did, who wanted the same fucking shit I did and wanted to do the same shit I do. Instead, I got someone who is extremely girly and needy and insecure. Someone who needs to be loved. Who needs other people. Who can't ever be who she really is in all aspects of her life.
We are just too different. And I don't altogether like her friends. Kaleigh and Bri, yes. Kris and Tiff... kind of. This Shaan guy, not even a little bit.
Maybe this is my depression....
