So, Trey and I broke up last night. I broke up with her, through text. It started with me deciding to go to the gym instead of go see her on Thursday. Then not texting at all Friday so she waited until that night to point out that we've haven't spoken all day. Well, she asked if I realized and that just completely irritated me. Then she began talking about how her feelings are hurt and stuff because I haven't been paying much attention to her lately and I went off about how depressed I am and how the only thing I'm concerned with is trying to be happy. So she started talking about therapy and getting on meds and I had to keep saying that I wasn't going to do either of that. That's I'd find my own way of being happy. And she finally figured out that I was annoyed and simply said okay, sorry for pushing and... then she asked if I wanted her to just sit back until I was ready. And I don't know. So she said that she needs to know basically, so I said she should just focus on all the changes happening in her life.
And of course, she asked if we were taking a break. And I made a decision. I told her I didn't believe in breaks. Which, I realized then that I don't. Either you are broken up or you're together. All that in between shit is bullshit. So she said alright and something along the lines of "it sounds like you think we shouldn't be together. And if that's what you want then I will respect that." And all I could say was I guess.
I'm trying to be more mature but I absolutely despise hurting people.
Still. It's not a matter of hurting her or not. I am utterly and completely unhappy and being with her is not helping. It's just filling with me guilt and dread. I like talking to her and hanging out but I don't look forward to it. I just feel... well, dread.
I guess I'm not longer attracted to her and I kind of doubt that I ever truly did. When we began talking, she made it seem as if she was a different person. She sounded well together, self assured and confident. And she made it sound as if she were out. But she's none of those things. She's not sure of who she is. To some she may seem gender fluid but to me it just comes off as confused. She made it sound as if she was more masculine than feminine but once we hung out she started dressing super girly. And then said it was because I was so masculine so she just naturally started dressing more feminine.
We had a lot less in common than I thought. I thought the Smallville thing was promising, hoping it was just one of the many things we would have in common but it was mostly just me introducing her to it. Which is fine but not what I expected....
And then there's the whole working out thing. Working out has to be who I am. Because it's what I want to do and who I want to be but she couldn't even begin to understand what working out means for me.
And then the trans* thing. I'm grateful that she was so understanding but I was under the impression that she understood because she was trans* also but she wasn't. She goes by Trey to her friends but she won't correct people that call her by her given name, and she still goes by it at work. She masquerades as this other person at work and with her Mormon family and that's supposed to be alright. But I want someone who is out. Out. If you're gay or lesbian or trans* or whatever, fucking own it. Don't tell me one thing, only come to find out that things are totally different.
Don't get me wrong. It wasn't all lies or misleads. And she helped me realize that Tristan Jacob exists. It probably would've taken years before I ever realized. And a little longer still to accept it.
But we just don't fit. There is chemistry and we make good friends and have a good time when we're together but I don't long to kiss her. I don't think about her late at night. I don't want to have sex. There is no passion. There are no butterflies or that amazing feeling when I look into her eyes. Instead, I don't feel any amazing. I just feel kind of wrong. And it annoys me when she touches my face. And the way she looks at me doesn't make me anticipate what could happen. I just don't want to think about it at all, really.
I don't know how to explain it. It's like... when I used to date guys and I used to feel gross or just not right whenever I was with them. I know it's dumb and impractical and crazy but I just really want it. I want the butterflies and the friendship and the attraction. I want to be physically attracted. Why is that wrong??
Why is it wrong to want a girl that looks like Fiona or Imogen or Becky? I know, they're glamorous because the're fictional but I want someone who is a little superficial? Someone who likes staying in shape and wearing attractive clothing? Someone who will get up with me and go running or to the gym every once in a while? They don't have to be perfect but I have a type and I can't help that I have a fucking type. Why should I feel guilty about that?
Feminine. Tomboy. Stud. Butch. Trans*. What the fuck ever but they have to be my idea of hot. It sounds shallow and superficial but that's just how it is.
