Kill This Crush

I need to get over Kyla McDonough. I honestly don't know how it's been like seven years without these feelings for her going away. Okay, I can admit it. I like her. I have liked her since senior year. I was so smitten by her. As pathetic as it sounds, it's true. I'm pretty sure it's just my mind making things up. She's attractive, yes. Ambition, beautiful, funny, adventerous, open, sweet, kind... short, stylish, adorable. Okay. I can sit here and list all the awesome things about her but I'd be here all day, okay. Let's just say that I think she's perfect. She has so many awesome, amazing qualities. She always has. But back in high school I figured I didn't have a chance because... well, she didn't like girls then. And then when she figured out that she did, it was the distance that pretty much ruined it for me. She moved around a lot and I was dating so many different people and we grew apart. And then she joined the Army and met Morgan and I was with Caitlin and then I joined the Army and things have just never really worked well timing wise.

Six years later and that is still true. I live in Washington and she lives in Missouri (complete opposite than it was back then when I was in MO and she was in WA) and neither of us even likes distance.

It's weird. I've always thought she was amazing. Obviously, because that's the only reason why I still talk to her even though I've thoroughly stopped talking to everyone else is my past. In my opinion we just work well together, but that's just my opinion. In my mind, she is perfect. Everything about her is amazing. Her laugh, her eyes, her smile, her voice. Even when she's angry I think it's pretty adorable. Whether she's all dressed up or in sweats and a t shirt - which I really like when she's in sweats and a t shirt - I think she's gorgeous. No matter what she does I think she's perfect.

But it's just in my head. In my head, we'd be perfect together. Because she wants serious and I can serious. I'm attracted to her, no doubt. I get excited but the idea of kissing her. Touching her in any way. I mean, just a hug and I'm like oh my gosh, Kyla touched me. So it goes without saying that I'd like to kiss her. And anything more than that... well, I try not to think about it because she is my friend and I think it's a little disrespectful to fantisize about your friends. But would I ever... if even the chance, hell yes okay.

Anyway. What I'm trying to say is what I feel for her has to be in my head. It has to be fake. Because no matter how much I love her calls, when we're on the phone I can't think of a single thing to say. Alright, that may just be me and my social awkwardness. I was talking to Toddy today and couldn't wait to get off the phone even though I do enjoy talking to her. Same goes with when I talk to Nana. I just feel so uncomfortable. So that could be it.

But realistically... could me and Kyla work? Could I see myself calling/ Skyping with her every night? Could I see me coming to visit just for her and then enjoying her company while I'm there? I don't know. And the even better question is could she feel the same for me? Because I sincerely doubt that. I don't think she's attracted to me physically. Nor do I think she sees me in anyway besides a friend. She doesn't see me as anything besides a friend.

So. What I need to do it see her when I visit, tell her how I feel and tell her that I'm working on getting over her. I just need her to reject me. Is that possible? I really do enjoy talking to her but if I tell her that could change that. That could change our whole friendship. But would it? Should I wait until I visit or get it out the way now? Spare myself a visit? I just need her to reject me. I don't think she has a problem with her friends having feelings for her. She knows her ex bf likes her and still continues to hang with him sometimes, regardless of the awkwardness. So maybe me telling her how I feel won't be such a big deal. Maybe it'll be exactly what I need to finally put this six year crush to rest. I should try it. I need to try it.

Tired Dude...

I just wish that I could look like regular guys. I wish that I was taller and that my clothes fit better and all I had to worry about was my hair and going to the gym. I wish I looked like real guys and then I could walk up to girls that looked like Charlotte Arnold and have them actually like because I look like a respectable person and not a thug or stud or anything I don't want to be.

I'm so into these fictional fucking characters and these stupid fucking celebrities because they seem so great and awesome but I can't connect to real fucking people. I don't find anyone else good enough... not physically and not with their personalities. I mean, let's face it... Cristine Prosperi and Annie Clark probably aren't that interesting in real life. It seems like all they enjoy doing is shopping and partying and I'm not into that at all but for some reason I just want them to acknowledge my existence. I've never been this obsessed with a celebrity before. Beautiful with an amazing character or not... like what is wrong with me?

I can't help but feel as if this has something to do with my aversion to relationships. To feelings and anything that may make me feel anything at all.

I'm so hollow inside. I care about the people in my life and would do anything for them. I will call to check up on them or sit and listen to them talk about their day or cry or complain or be super excited about something. I will spend money on them and time. I will hang out with them and do things for them. I will do anything.

But I won't call and tell them about my insecurities. I won't tell them anything about my past. I won't ask for anything or rely on them or depend on them for anything at all. I won't hug them when I'm sad or call them crying and hurting. I won't do anything. I will be there for them but I will not expect them to be there for him. Nor will I expect them to make me happy in anyway.

I'm sad. And I want the pain to stop. But I won't ask any of them for help. I won't even tell them I'm hurting. I won't tell them that I feel like crying everyday. I won't tell them that I'm so damn close to the edge that it actually scares me how easy it would be to just fall off of it.

I want to be with someone. I want them to understand and like me for who I am... and I want to be attracted to them. I want them to be someone I am actually attracted to and want to spend time with and be near and not be utterly awkward around them.

I'm sick of being alone. I'm sick of never fitting with someone. I'm sick of hiding 80% of myself from the world. And I'm sick of it all hurting so fucking much. I'm sick of this pain. Please, just go away. I need you to go away. I don't believe in doing stupid things but sometimes the thought just pops in my head and I"m never really sure what prevents me from doing the stupid thing but I'm afraid that whatever it is will stop working and I'm going to do whatever I can to stop the pain.