Day... I don't even know, of being alone. Let's be real. My last relationship was three years ago. When I was with Trey... which was like 2013. 2013 man. 2013. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being alone. And I'm tired of holding back.
When I like a person, they never like me the same and I have to hold back how much I like them, or that I like them at all. And it's so exhausting. And so shitty. I'm tired. Like... literally just tired.
I wish I knew how to not want to have someone. How to not want to not be alone. How to not want attention or affection.
Ugh. I feel so starved for attention and physical affection.
I know. I'm not completely single. Well... completely alone?? Completely... whatever. I am seeing someone but they are not much of a conversationalist and it drives me crazy. And with my being in Colorado, it is just irritating me, because I am super busy all day at BLC and the tiny little window I have to text and the conversation just isn't there. And when school starts back for the both of us, I'm going to just lose interest. Because as much as I love having time to myself to chill or hang with my friends, I love attention from the person that I like.
If I don't find some way to deal and somebody to give me more attention soon I'm going to lose my damn mind, man.
I know I'm just lonely. I spend all day in a class full of relative strangers and then I go to an unfamiliar room with none of my shit in it and I am just... feel sad. And angry. And frustrated.
I wonder if I will ever enjoy life. If I'll ever wake up and want to start my day. If I'll ever be okay with how my life is going. Instead of constantly dreading it. Whether I'm at an army school that I didn't want to, actual school, army training, drill, journeys... or doing nothing at all, I never want to wake up. I always rather dream. Things are so much better in my dreams. And life always, always hurts so bad. I always hate myself. I'm always alone. Always broke. Always feeling like utter shit. I don't know how to wake up and want to be alive and get going and do things. Getting up is a chore. Living life is a chore.
Maybe because of my depression I'm never going to be okay. Maybe I'm always going to be broken and fucked up and shitty and needy and lonely as fuck.
