I Hate Myself

Why aren't I happy?

What the fuck is wrong with me?

All I've wanted for like two years is Cayden. To tell him how I feel. To be about to adore him openly. To be with him.

I have him and I'm so fucking unhappy.

Not that it's him.

But I'm so damn unhappy. I thought that being with him with make me happy. I thought that being open about my feelings for him would make me happy. But I'm not.

Is it the distance? Is it the lack of physical proximity that is making me so unhappy?

I don't get it.

Why aren't I happy? Why do I want to die so badly?

I don't understand.

Why can't I just be happy?

Why can't I just be happy with what I do have?

I don't know what the fuck is going on. Why am I trying to make issues where there aren't any? He literally does nothing wrong buy live his life and yet I'm so unhappy about it? What do I want from him? What is it going to take for me to fucking be happy? I don't understand.

I'm getting so fucking discouraged.

I feel like I'm fucking dying. I feel like I'm losing it. I feel like I'm two seconds away from self-destructing and ruining a good thing. What is wrong with me? Why do i have this... desire thing to end things and be unhappy?

Ruining things between us is not going to make me happy. It's just going to make me more miserable so why am I doing that? Why am I trying to do that?

I don't understand me. What is my problem?

I just want to die.

I want to be left alone. But I want him to pay more attention to me.

I'm obsessed with him and I feel like he's just mildly interested in me. What is wrong with me? Why am I like this...

I hate myself.

How do I get rid of this hatred and angry and misery that I'm carrying around? I don't want it. Nobody deserves it. I don't fucking get it. What do I do.

I'm just going to push him away for no reason.

Why am I purposely trying to push away someone that I just want to pull closer? It makes no sense. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Maybe I should just.. tell him that I'm having some kind of depressive episode and need some space or something until its over. Or to just... I don't know. That I can't be responsible for whatever dumb shit I say or do because it's the depression and not me?

I just want to be happy and enjoy having him as a partner and instead I'm literally causing problems where there are none and making him feel like shit and just being a horrible fucking person for no reason.

I just want to be in love.

I am in love. I have someone who is wonderful and means the world to me.

But I can't even just sit back and enjoy it.

Instead I'm like trying to self-sabotage everything.

What the fuck is wrong with me.

Dear Tristan

Please stop fucking tripping so much because Cayden doesn't talk to you all day. You talk everyday. He may not say he loves you every single day but he does say it consistently and seems pretty sincere when it says it. You know he loves you. You know he misses you. You know he still has feelings for you.

I know you're insecure and needy.

You just need to chill.

This cool guy not only likes you but he loves you. Do you really think somethings wrong because he doesn't shower you with attention all of the damn time?

You sit here and obsess about every little thing. Every word in every text. If it takes two minutes to reply to something you freak the fuck out.

Then you worry and bottle up your worry. And it becomes negative. And  you distance yourself. And start ignoring him.

And then you obsess some more.

Fucking chill dude.

He loves you. You love him.

I know distance sucks and you need a lot of attention but you're making trouble where there are none. Get a fucking gripe bro.

01.21.18.

The day I vow never to need anyone ever again.