I miss Cayden.
Like, I miss him physically obviously. I miss being in close proximity of him like crazy. But I also just miss... him. I don't know. I know that he has issues with his mental health and the longer he's off his meds (and now he's off his T) the more exhausted he'll be and what not... but... he's so... distant. Like, he's always been reserved. He's always be kind of not so open about himself. But lately... maybe the past month or so really... I just feel like a chore for him. And its making me feel a little rejected. He doesn't respond to any kind of verbal intimacy. No matter what I do or say, I don't get a respond. If I say I love him or miss him, he will return the sentiment but nothing else. Nothing extra. He doesn't comment on anything about me or about us. We don't even talk about us. We don't talk about the future. I'll bring up something like "I wish we could play hooky today and send the day in bed together. Its so nice, I wish we could both call off work and spend the day at the park together." And his response is always "that would be nice. I would love that. Me too." But nothing else.
I guess I just feel alone in this relationship. Sort of like this really isn't a relationship. There's a connection, a friendship and a physical attraction. But there's no intimacy. I feel so alone that I'm getting resentful. I feel rejected. I feel like he doesn't actually want to be with me. Or that he's not attracted to me anymore.
I know he's never happy. I know that it takes a lot of energy just for him to get up and function semi-normally. I know he's depressed and overwhelmed and stressed. I don't want to force him to try and do something he isn't capable of doing. But what am I supposed to be doing?
Of course I'm going to wait out this storm, no matter how long it last, but what am I supposed to do with the negative feelings that are caused from feeling so rejected? I spend all morning, everyday, texting him and waiting for him to get home so we can text me back and its barely anything. Then he ignores me for the first two or so hours he's home by doing whatever it is he does. And when he finally remembers to look at his phone again, it's "sorry, was doing such and such" and doesn't say much else. He dissociates or something and just flat out disappears.
I know he can't help it. I know it's not his fault. I know there's nothing he can really do...
But it's like everyday I have to force myself not to respond negatively and not to distance myself. And lately I've seriously been trying so hard to ignore whatever it is in my head telling me to distance myself. Once I do, once I start existing on my own, there is no going back... so. I keep thinking about the future, trying to fit him in it, when it seems like I should just be worrying about myself.
I guess... I no longer know what this relationship is exactly? Am I just supposed to keep reminding myself that he cares? Isn't a partner supposed to do that for me?
Or am I just made that he's not as crazy about me as I am him? Or that he doesn't ever show it? I don't know.
I need some attention. I need to feel like he cares.
Everything in my life makes me utterly miserable. And the one thing that used to make me happy... doesn't. I spend all day thinking about him, freaking dreaming about him, and when I finally get a chance to talk with him it doesn't even feel like he wants to engage with me. Whether he does or doesn't, it should feel like he doesn't. It shouldn't feel like work engaging with him because all I do is try and not feel how rejected he makes me feel.
I hate saying this. I don't even want to post this. But maybe I'm just so in love with him that I can't see this relationship for what it is. Maybe I'm seeing things as better than they are and am now starting to see it?
I'm not the best judge of character, especially not right now when I'm so stressed and overwhelmed and exhausted and depressed. But I just want some attention. I want to feel like somebody cares. I want to feel seen. I just want to feel noticed.
Once again I'm in something where how I feel and what I need just doesn't seem important.
