I know I'm setting myself up for failure but god I can not fucking help it. I want what I want - what I've always fucking wanted and it sucks so bad not being able to admit that to anyone or even myself.
I want to be the kind of friend that Morgan needs. I sit back and listen to her talk about Rachael. And I think I've gotten to the point where her talking about other females doesn't bother me on the outside anymore. But on the inside - fuck, it kills me everytime. Like today when she said that Rachael called her and asked how she was doing. And she actually called her back... I tried to be supportive and listen but everytime she mentions that fucking girl is kills me. And she doesn't know it.
I've never really been that good at reading Morgan and maybe that's because we really haven't spent too much time together. But how can that matter? When everytime I speak to her my world gets righted a little bit. And when I don't, everything is just a little bit off. Its gotten to the point where I can't even sleep that well without hearing her voice first.
How can it not be right? I know that's not how she feels or what she wants... but what about how I feel and what I want? I can't find another girl like her because I don't want to freaking find another girl. But I have to, huh? Cause its not at all what she wants and I'm only kidding myself by hoping that one day I will be what she wants. What she wants is Rachael and I'm not Rachael... I'm just her best friend who is always going to be there for her no matter what.
So maybe that's what I need to do. Maybe I just need to focus on being the best friend I can be and stop hoping to be something more. Stop holding on to the hope of her and start figuring out what to do next. Maybe I just can't see it but there has to be a life after her...
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Sunday, June 12, 2011
What It Is...
I don't know what it is about me that I can never express myself the way I want to. Like with my writing. I come across so many weird writer's blocks and I wish I knew why. I know there is a story I want to tell. That there are charactes I want to bring to life. But when I'm put in front of a piece of paper or a laptop, that story goes away. Or maybe I block it away.
Am I afraid of feeling for my charaters? They are already a big huge part of me. No one knows that and no one needs to know that - but I know that. Why can't I use that to my advantage? What exactly am I afraid of here?
Am I afraid of feeling for my charaters? They are already a big huge part of me. No one knows that and no one needs to know that - but I know that. Why can't I use that to my advantage? What exactly am I afraid of here?
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Shane& Alyssa
Throw yourself into your work. Become the very best version of your self. Do all the right things and succeed in life. Be the person you always wanted to be. And once you've accomplished all the things you wanted to accomplish, then you can focus on things like want a girl in your life. Because nothing else matters besides your career and success.
This is what I want the basis of my story with Shane and Alyssa to focus on. I want Shane to think that she wasn't good enough for Alyssa back in high school. So she joins the Army and focuses on nothing but that. And she becomes quite successful. But she's still unhappy and she still can not do more than just a night with a girl. Besides Carmen. Carmen is the only girl she seeks out to have sex with but she can never stick around the next day nor ask or accept anything besides sex.
Now all I need to figure out is - not what fuels Shane's decisions - because that's Alyssa. But what fuels her strengths. Why doe she have the psyche that she has. Is it because of her mom dying so young? Is it the abuse at the hands of her dad?
Okay. Nevermind. I already know this. Its her past as a whole. Her dad abusing her. Her brothers alienating her. Her mom's death. Running away. Finding a place to call home and then losing her and blaming herself. And taking out that guilt on her friendships/ relationships to people - especially Jamie. And then finding someone like Alyssa who makes all the pain and shame and guilt and evil inside of her world go away. And then losing her. And losing herself because of it.
Now she's trying to rebuild herself and her life while trying to let go of and forget about Alyssa. Its not until she sees Alyssa again that she realizes that once again she's been running away from her life, while at the same time trying to become a person that Alyssa could love. Even though, she kind of gave up on that on the surface. Deep down she hasn't but she doesn't know that?
Ugh. Shane is so complicated but I love her to death. She is the only character that I have put all of my effort into creating. I've put more of myself in her character than anyone else.
It's fucking Alyssa who I haven't put enough effort into. I need to dig down deep and figure out what makes her who she is. Her brothers and her father and her nephew. But what about them? What did her brother do? What about her father leaving affected her so much? What about her connection to her nephew makes things so special? And what about Jamie? Why is her connection with Jamie so special?
This is what I want the basis of my story with Shane and Alyssa to focus on. I want Shane to think that she wasn't good enough for Alyssa back in high school. So she joins the Army and focuses on nothing but that. And she becomes quite successful. But she's still unhappy and she still can not do more than just a night with a girl. Besides Carmen. Carmen is the only girl she seeks out to have sex with but she can never stick around the next day nor ask or accept anything besides sex.
Now all I need to figure out is - not what fuels Shane's decisions - because that's Alyssa. But what fuels her strengths. Why doe she have the psyche that she has. Is it because of her mom dying so young? Is it the abuse at the hands of her dad?
Okay. Nevermind. I already know this. Its her past as a whole. Her dad abusing her. Her brothers alienating her. Her mom's death. Running away. Finding a place to call home and then losing her and blaming herself. And taking out that guilt on her friendships/ relationships to people - especially Jamie. And then finding someone like Alyssa who makes all the pain and shame and guilt and evil inside of her world go away. And then losing her. And losing herself because of it.
Now she's trying to rebuild herself and her life while trying to let go of and forget about Alyssa. Its not until she sees Alyssa again that she realizes that once again she's been running away from her life, while at the same time trying to become a person that Alyssa could love. Even though, she kind of gave up on that on the surface. Deep down she hasn't but she doesn't know that?
Ugh. Shane is so complicated but I love her to death. She is the only character that I have put all of my effort into creating. I've put more of myself in her character than anyone else.
It's fucking Alyssa who I haven't put enough effort into. I need to dig down deep and figure out what makes her who she is. Her brothers and her father and her nephew. But what about them? What did her brother do? What about her father leaving affected her so much? What about her connection to her nephew makes things so special? And what about Jamie? Why is her connection with Jamie so special?
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