Setting Myself Up

I know I'm setting myself up for failure but god I can not fucking help it. I want what I want - what I've always fucking wanted and it sucks so bad not being able to admit that to anyone or even myself.

I want to be the kind of friend that Morgan needs. I sit back and listen to her talk about Rachael. And I think I've gotten to the point where her talking about other females doesn't bother me on the outside anymore. But on the inside - fuck, it kills me everytime. Like today when she said that Rachael called her and asked how she was doing. And she actually called her back... I tried to be supportive and listen but everytime she mentions that fucking girl is kills me. And she doesn't know it.

I've never really been that good at reading Morgan and maybe that's because we really haven't spent too much time together. But how can that matter? When everytime I speak to her my world gets righted a little bit. And when I don't, everything is just a little bit off. Its gotten to the point where I can't even sleep that well without hearing her voice first.

How can it not be right? I know that's not how she feels or what she wants... but what about how I feel and what I want? I can't find another girl like her because I don't want to freaking find another girl. But I have to, huh? Cause its not at all what she wants and I'm only kidding myself by hoping that one day I will be what she wants. What she wants is Rachael and I'm not Rachael... I'm just her best friend who is always going to be there for her no matter what.

So maybe that's what I need to do. Maybe I just need to focus on being the best friend I can be and stop hoping to be something more. Stop holding on to the hope of her and start figuring out what to do next. Maybe I just can't see it but there has to be a life after her...