What I Want

I think I'm going a little crazy here. I dunno. It has been about six months since the last time I was in a relationship and I tried the bull shit crap with Jenn that didn't work and I think it really got my thinking that I want to be in another relationship. I didn't think I did. When me and Caitlin broke up I figured it was because I didn't want to be in a relationship at all. But I see now that its just because I didn't want to be in a relationship with her. I wasn't attracted to her... She didn't move me. Or even turn me on the way I want my partner to turn me on.

I figured out that I need to be with someone that is either tomboy. Or very secure in their sexuality so that I don't always have to worry about them. You know. Someone who is confident about who they are and what they want.

I do want friends. I want people who I can hang out with. Who will care as much as I care about this. Who will come to my rescue if I need it and ask me for help when they need it. People who it will be okay to be around, you know? Cause I don't have that. I have friends. I have Morgan, Okazaki, Kyla, Newman, Nana. Good people who I can honestly say I love and would do almost anything for but they are literally scattered across the world. Even though, real soon, Newman and Kyla will be in the same fucking place but I'm in Washington.

I just want to be... I dunno. I don't want to be completely alone anymore. I want a group of friends I can hang out with. I want to be able to go out with them and hangs with them at their places or my place or a random place. Play video games. Watch movies. Have drinks. Coffee... just a group of people that care. Is that weird?

And... I've come to realize... that I do want to date someone. It doesn't have to turn into a relationship but someone to spend time with. Someone to go out on dates with. Someone to spend time alone with. Its just driving me a little crazy that I don't have that. And like I said, it doesn't have to turn into a relationship. It could turn into a really good friendship.

But I think I'm going to need a car for all of this to happen. I do want to start hanging out with people. And I know that not everyone wants to go through the effort of fucking coming on base to see me. Fuck. I don't know. I like hanging out with Candis but... yeah... I don't think she's all that interested in being my good friend. I really have no idea what she wants from our friendship. And then there is Bree... completely fucking weird situation there. And then Lydia, who I think could be a cool friend. Oh and then Sophie... no real hope for that one but she really seems to like me. Really think she wants a relationship with me but yeah... not at all interested.

So. I guess figuring out what I want in the first step. Car. TV. Internet. Wii... super expensive shit but yeah... gonna be super bored and super necessary. I wonder if I'm going to be happy once I finally get these things. Or if I'm just going to come up with more stupid shit I need. Clothes. Shoes. Hats. Smallville. The L Word. Things that might help me fake happiness.

So. We'll see how this goes.

Direction

I don't know what I'm doing and no one really seems to understan that besides Okazaki. I'm not okay and I'm trying really hard to figure out how to be! I don't make the best decisions. I fuck up a lot and no one ever knows because I hide it so well but dude... I'm kind of like drowning here. I need some freaking help here. And everyone is taking it as if... I don't even know.

I've just been trying to explain to Kelly that I can't do this with her right now. Shit, I've been trying. And today I decided to tell her the truth and she said I was just throwing it in her face. But dude... its the damn truth. I can't be with someone like her. It sounds super fucked up and I acknowledge that... but I can't be with somene like her. She doesn't have her degree. She just now got a job after months of having nothing and depending on her dad. She lives with her dad, her family and friends smoke and drink their problems and lives away and I just don't see her trying to get out of it. Maybe she is but I don't see it and I never will cause guess what... we're in freaking different states.

I can not get wrapped up in a girl like her. I'm just going to end up thinking that that life is okay for me and that is not okay for me. I've finally pulled myself out that funk and I can't go back. And she doesn't understand.

I'm trying to be different. I'm trying to change. I can not freaking go back, dude. Maybe if she lived on her own or was in college or...  Something farther than a high school student but she's not. She doesn't even have a car. Unfortunately, we're not on the same level and I can't go back one.

I don't want to think I'm better. I don't want to think I'm doing more than her... but... I just need someone a little more like me. Someone who's future I'm not so unsure of. Someone who is going in my direction.