Direction

I don't know what I'm doing and no one really seems to understan that besides Okazaki. I'm not okay and I'm trying really hard to figure out how to be! I don't make the best decisions. I fuck up a lot and no one ever knows because I hide it so well but dude... I'm kind of like drowning here. I need some freaking help here. And everyone is taking it as if... I don't even know.

I've just been trying to explain to Kelly that I can't do this with her right now. Shit, I've been trying. And today I decided to tell her the truth and she said I was just throwing it in her face. But dude... its the damn truth. I can't be with someone like her. It sounds super fucked up and I acknowledge that... but I can't be with somene like her. She doesn't have her degree. She just now got a job after months of having nothing and depending on her dad. She lives with her dad, her family and friends smoke and drink their problems and lives away and I just don't see her trying to get out of it. Maybe she is but I don't see it and I never will cause guess what... we're in freaking different states.

I can not get wrapped up in a girl like her. I'm just going to end up thinking that that life is okay for me and that is not okay for me. I've finally pulled myself out that funk and I can't go back. And she doesn't understand.

I'm trying to be different. I'm trying to change. I can not freaking go back, dude. Maybe if she lived on her own or was in college or...  Something farther than a high school student but she's not. She doesn't even have a car. Unfortunately, we're not on the same level and I can't go back one.

I don't want to think I'm better. I don't want to think I'm doing more than her... but... I just need someone a little more like me. Someone who's future I'm not so unsure of. Someone who is going in my direction.