Friend.

"When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us."

This is something I don't think Tay is going to realize until its too late.

It has only been five weeks since me and her have been talking and somehow she has already captured my heart. Like fully. It isn't like it was with Jaycee. Yeah, I cared about her and wanted to try to make things work, only because I'm stubborn and don't like to give up on things. But even as we were bullshitting around, I knew that things with us weren't going to work. In fact, everything about her either creeped me out or pissed me off. Everytime we were together, a part of me was just bored or freaked or disgusted and annoyed. The more I learned about her, the more I realized that she was nothing like the girl I wanted to be with.

But Taylor is so different. The more I learn about her, the more I like and want her. She is so different than the girls I have been with or been interested in the past. If I think about it, she has all the qualities I liked in the other girls and none of the qualities I disliked.

And its hard for me to admit this because I know I could be disappointed at any second, but I want things between us to work out. I want to invest my dreams in her. I'm just afraid.

Right now, I know she's not ready for anything. I honestly don't think she's even ready for anything casual, she just doesn't see that.

It took me three weeks to meet Jaycee, like her, enjoy her, want her and then become completely and utterly sick of her. And 8 weeks total to be completely done with her. Cause, lets face it, things were over before I ever even went to Korea.

I'm on week... five with Tay. I met her, liked her, wanted her, got her and still want more. Things between us have gotten strained a bit. She has a lot going on in her life and I have nothing and I don't know how to be understanding. I don't know how to deal with an ex-wife who still wants her and won't leave her alone. I don't know how to deal with the fact that she and this ex-wife have only been broken up for 3 months, at the most, and that she still has feelings for this ex. Despite the fact that she is completely crushed by her. That this ex treated her like she was shit, isolated her from her family and friends, told her every single day that she was worthless and wouldn't amount to anything - just tried to break her in every since of the word. That Tay might want this ex back. If not as a lover then maybe as a friend and that is so hard for me to accept.

And I think she realizes this, before I even thought about it, and decided that I couldn't handle the truth about it so she is deciding to lie about it. I think maybe a couple days ago, her ex called her up and convinced her to come over and Tay ended up spending the night. And I think that Tay doesn't want to tell me this because she thinks she will lose me. When she wouldn't. If that were true, I would've stopped seeing her the moment I thought she was being dishonest, but I haven't gone anywhere.

Instead, I'm decided to take a step back, breathe and think about things...

It has only been a few weeks since the two of us have started talking. Even though my mind and heart only want her and even though I have not talked to anyone else and have no plans of doing such, we are still in the casual stage. We're not together. She may be my girl but she is not my girlfriend and I'm not hers. In all honestly, she is just the girl I'm "fucking with" even though she means a thousand times more than that. But I mean, if I had to put a word for it, that's what it is. Harsh but true.

I can't expect her to tell me everything. She told me already that she's not ready for a relationship, to be committed, to fall in love.. for anything serious. She is entitlted to have her secrets. I think I'm just upset that I don't have anything worth hiding from her. I think I'm upset becauseI already went through the heart break/ bull shit/ getting past the dumb shit crap and am actually ready for a relationship now and she is not. Guess I should've taken the "I just broke up with my ex a month ago" thing more seriously... granted she didn't add in "wife" until we had already slept together but I decided to let that go. Even though... come on, what kind of bull shit is that. But whatever.

Anyway, I can't expect out of her what I would expect out of someone I am in a relationship with. At the same time, I have to remember that the most important thing is not that I have someone I want to be in a relationship with, but that someone I want to be in a relationship with is hurting on the inside, trying to heal and put her life back together and needs someone to listen and lean on. Tay is so good at being tough and a badass that I never really thought about how badly she is really hurting on the inside. I just wanted my presence to be enough when... that is not realistic at all.

Think I am focusing more on the relationship aspect of what we have and not the friendship. When right now, all Taylor really needs is a friend. Someone she can rely on. Even if that means my heart gets busted or I'm just rebound for her. I think I care about her that much already that I can do that for her.

Taylor

So. I'm pretty scared about this. Its only been a few weeks since me and Taylor met and started talking and we've only seen each other once (Dec. 30. 2011) but I like her so much. I'm trying to remind myself to take it slow and not rush things while also trying to appreciate the time we spend because its always the beginning you miss the most. Cause you take it for granted. The nervousness and anxiety of developing feelings for a beautiful girl that drives you wild.

I don't want to push things. I want them to flow naturally but I get so overwhelmed, you know. She is just so amazing and so gorgeous and so confident and it all is just really intimidating. I don't know how to NOT close myself. I just feel myself feeling more for her and I get scared and I don't even know it. Like, I can't control it. I just know get moody and instead of admitting that I want to hear her voice or look into her amazing eyes... I say nothing.

Maybe that is why I start distracting myself when we talk. Why I automatically pull up facebook or a card game. I'm really screwing this up. I need to figure out a way to show her that I care about her. I see now that I can't treat her the way I was treating the other girls. I can't just go all day without talking to her and then send her a few text about nothing and expect her to be okay with that. But I'm not sure how the fuck to show her that I care and how much.

But its a new year, a new beginning and hopefully a new T.J. And if I want to start being brave, I want it to be because of her. For her. Maybe I am trying too hard? Is this trying to hard? Doubts. Ugh. I want to be fearless. I want to open my heart up to her.