Need To Bleed

I didn't really want to add anything onto this blog - at least not until I had something substantial - but this thing with Annie makes me pretty anxious and I'm not sure how I really feel about it. I mean... she has a life and I have a life and that's supposed to be good things... I mean, it is actually what I want... but I feel so anxious all of the time. I just want to chat with her all of the time but I need to respect her privacy. Is this seriously a good thing or no?

I just figured out what I really want.

Someone who enjoys being single but is open for a relationship, at some damn point, you know? And I'm just not sure that Annie wants that. Several times she has said that she isn't looking for a relationship, she doesn't want one... and she's mentioned that she spoke to me because she was interested in getting to know me - she thought I seemed cool - and not because she wanted anything with me. But she ended up being attracted to me and then - lol basically - wanted to seduce me.

And now that we've had sex, I just don't know what to think. But she basically said that this is what she was concerned about. That sex makes things complicated and messy. So, I'm trying not to even get into that line of thinking about I guess that that is just where my mind goes automatically, at some point. She meet someone, you like them, you connect well with them, she enjoy their company, she enjoy talking to them, she enjoy kissing them, you enjoy having sex with them... and then the next thing you know you're in a relationship.

Ugh. I think the worse part of all of this is that I don't even want a relationship? I just really enjoy being with her, so I want to see her all of the time. But I can't do that, so... I have to find a freaking distraction. I just have to. A bunch of them. Things to get my mind off of her. I have to stop calling her and texting her all of the time. I have to stop trying to see her all of the time. I have to have some damn self control. I really, really think that my anxiety is just up because it's about to be that time of the month. And because she kind of... turned me into a girl. I mean, I don't get that comfortable with anyone that I have sex with but... I don't know. Maybe it's just been so long? That I really wanted to be satisfied, so I made sure that I was???

Plus, the universe hates me so it would make me terribly lonely for years and then drop this perfect girl in my lap and make it impossible for me to be content.

Being into her is great and having sex with her is fucking amazing but establishing a friendship... that's what she wants. What I want is someone that I can hang out with. I have friends. I mean, I really do, don't I? Morgan, Rivera, Okazaki, Amanda, Kyla , plus my two sisters so... friends aren't exactly what I'm looking for. I'm looking for someone to date. Friends with benefits. Someone that could eventually turn into a relationship, not now but later down the road. And I'm not all sure that can happen with her.

Seriously can't wait to bleed and get this shit out of my system. Dear gosh.