I think I'm falling in love with Ande. I don't know for sure because I am literally afraid of falling in love and have an aversion to it, really. But... what is happening, how I feel... it could be love. Maybe not "in love" but I am starting to love this person and I don't know what to do about it. I don't want to talk about it because thinking and talking about it just makes the feelings stronger but I was with them yesterday/today and all of last night I just kept thinking about how much I loved being with them and touching them. Fucking talking to them... I love it. (Dude, I almost started talking about Ohio while I was with them and to be honest a part of me wanted to tell them. I wanted to tell them. I never want to tell anyone anything ever...)
I don't know what to do.
They are poly and heading back to Massachusetts in exactly seven days and I can't help feeling that I want to sit around, waiting for them to come back. This is like test. A test of all of the progress that I've made in the last few years, since dating Caitlin and Trey.
I know that I am trying to find someone that I can be with and relate to and I have no idea why the universe gave me someone so wonderful who is polyarmous and never wants to be in a serious relationship, ever again but it did and I have no idea what to do about it. Anderson is wonderful. Talking to them is wonderful. Being with them is wonderful. Feeling them is wonderful. Fucking them is wonderful. They are the perfect package. Or... at least they would be if they were monogamous. I mean, there is actually nothing wrong with being poly, except I want to have someone who belong to me in some way. Whose heart belongs to me. And if they could do that and still date others, that would be rad. But I don't think they have the capacity to "belong" to a person. I think it's all just dating for them. No room for a relationship, even if it was a poly one.
Whatever though. This is going to self-destruct. Or fade into nothing.
Either way my heart will be broken and I will be left wondering what the fuck I was thinking ever trying.
I try... because my heart wants to love someone who is worthy of loving. My heart wants to care about someone worthy of caring. My heart... is so tired of being alone and the pain and emptiness that accompanies being alone. And my heart just wants to be cared about. My heart doesn't want to be so alone anymore. And my mind... wants to be with someone who is cool and awesome but also loving and kind. And when it finds this person, this person that my mind and heart can both agree on, its hard to get them to stop at the red flags like "22 years old" or "lives in MA" or "Is poly." They only know what they and not exactly what is altogether good for them...
I miss Anderson. I need to go to sleep. I probably need to come. I know I need to shower. And I need to stop thinking about Anderson and how much I wish that they were mine. At least a part of them.
And is the part the sucks and stings and is just shitty. I don't need to have all of them, I just want a part of them. But I can't have any of them. None of them will ever belong to me at all, no matter how much I want it to.
Oh well. I need to go to bed.
No comments:
Post a Comment