My Love.

Cayden, My Love.

Cayden will be here on Wednesday and I cannot wait to have him in my arms again! I have never been as happy with anyone as I have been with this man and I can't wait to start our lives together. He really has become the light in my darkness. Seeing his face never ceases to make me smile and put me at ease.

I know it's going to be challenging living together and learning to navigate the world together when we have so many uncertainties to face but I couldn't imagine tackling life with anyone but him. It's only going on 5 months but it feels as if he has always been mine. 

He's my best friend. My lover. My confidant. My love. He's everything.

Maybe it's naive to say that one person can mean the world to you or even be your world but he really is. For so long I've only been living for myself, my wants, my needs, my desires, my future. But now... I don't know. My life is his. The decisions I make our to ensure both of our happinesses and not just my own. Both of our well-beings and not just my own. I want to make him happy. I want to give him the world. 

I'm so excited to see him on Wednesday that I'm legit getting butterflies just thinking about it! Only three days left! Three days!!

Four Months

We got together on the 17th of December in 2017. It's been four months and my love for him just continues to grow. Typically at this point, I'd be stressing the fuck out, wondering why the person I like doesn't like me the way that I like them or love me the way that I love them or want to spend time with me the way that I want to spent time with them. Instead, I have a wonderful man who loves me as much as I love him. A man who gets enjoyment over seeing me happy. A man who still smiles at me the same way he did when we first met, when we first kissed, when we first had sex. I have a man whose love grows and grows with each passing day. I never get tired of his text or his Skype calls or his voice or his smiles or him in anyway. I have a man that I can see myself marry some day.

It's such a strange thing to find someone who loves you back. Who wants you back. Who doesn't want space but wants to be closer, as close as possible. Who wants to do whatever he can to be with you.

It's been four months and I never find myself wondering "if we could just make it one more month things will get better" or "I wonder if we'll even make it six months, let alone a year." With Cayden, time is going by so fast and instead of things getting worse, they just get better. I don't find myself wishing for things to do back to the way they were because it was so good. Things are just consistently good. Consistently great. Consistently freaking amazing.

Today I got a package in the mail and it was a starter kit for a baby gecko because when he was here I told him that getting a leopard gecko one day would be super cool. And he decided to make it happen! We went to go look at them while he was here but it was going to be so expensive so I said maybe for my birthday instead, and he was just like yep that's what I'm going to get them.

I have a freaking boyfriend who will get me a baby gecko for my birthday!

It's going to be our first baby!

I love him so much.

We're four months in and things just keep getting better and better.

Fingers crossed that he'll be here for my birthday in a week and a half. I can't wait to have that man back in my arms.

Low Moment...

I miss Cayden.

Like, I miss him physically obviously. I miss being in close proximity of him like crazy. But I also just miss... him. I don't know. I know that he has issues with his mental health and the longer he's off his meds (and now he's off his T) the more exhausted he'll be and what not... but... he's so... distant. Like, he's always been reserved. He's always be kind of not so open about himself. But lately... maybe the past month or so really... I just feel like a chore for him. And its making me feel a little rejected. He doesn't respond to any kind of verbal intimacy. No matter what I do or say, I don't get a respond. If I say I love him or miss him, he will return the sentiment but nothing else. Nothing extra. He doesn't comment on anything about me or about us. We don't even talk about us. We don't talk about the future. I'll bring up something like "I wish we could play hooky today and send the day in bed together. Its so nice, I wish we could both call off work and spend the day at the park together." And his response is always "that would be nice. I would love that. Me too." But nothing else.

I guess I just feel alone in this relationship. Sort of like this really isn't a relationship. There's a connection, a friendship and a physical attraction. But there's no intimacy. I feel so alone that I'm getting resentful. I feel rejected. I feel like he doesn't actually want to be with me. Or that he's not attracted to me anymore.

I know he's never happy. I know that it takes a lot of energy just for him to get up and function semi-normally. I know he's depressed and overwhelmed and stressed. I don't want to force him to try and do something he isn't capable of doing. But what am I supposed to be doing?

Of course I'm going to wait out this storm, no matter how long it last, but what am I supposed to do with the negative feelings that are caused from feeling so rejected? I spend all morning, everyday, texting him and waiting for him to get home so we can text me back and its barely anything. Then he ignores me for the first two or so hours he's home by doing whatever it is he does. And when he finally remembers to look at his phone again, it's "sorry, was doing such and such" and doesn't say much else. He dissociates or something and just flat out disappears.

I know he can't help it. I know it's not his fault. I know there's nothing he can really do...

But it's like everyday I have to force myself not to respond negatively and not to distance myself. And lately I've seriously been trying so hard to ignore whatever it is in my head telling me to distance myself. Once I do, once I start existing on my own, there is no going back... so. I keep thinking about the future, trying to fit him in it, when it seems like I should just be worrying about myself.

I guess... I no longer know what this relationship is exactly? Am I just supposed to keep reminding myself that he cares? Isn't a partner supposed to do that for me?

Or am I just made that he's not as crazy about me as I am him? Or that he doesn't ever show it? I don't know.

I need some attention. I need to feel like he cares.

Everything in my life makes me utterly miserable. And the one thing that used to make me happy... doesn't. I spend all day thinking about him, freaking dreaming about him, and when I finally get a chance to talk with him it doesn't even feel like he wants to engage with me. Whether he does or doesn't, it should feel like he doesn't. It shouldn't feel like work engaging with him because all I do is try and not feel how rejected he makes me feel.

I hate saying this. I don't even want to post this. But maybe I'm just so in love with him that I can't see this relationship for what it is. Maybe I'm seeing things as better than they are and am now starting to see it?

I'm not the best judge of character, especially not right now when I'm so stressed and overwhelmed and exhausted and depressed. But I just want some attention. I want to feel like somebody cares. I want to feel seen. I just want to feel noticed.

Once again I'm in something where how I feel and what I need just doesn't seem important.

I Hate Myself

Why aren't I happy?

What the fuck is wrong with me?

All I've wanted for like two years is Cayden. To tell him how I feel. To be about to adore him openly. To be with him.

I have him and I'm so fucking unhappy.

Not that it's him.

But I'm so damn unhappy. I thought that being with him with make me happy. I thought that being open about my feelings for him would make me happy. But I'm not.

Is it the distance? Is it the lack of physical proximity that is making me so unhappy?

I don't get it.

Why aren't I happy? Why do I want to die so badly?

I don't understand.

Why can't I just be happy?

Why can't I just be happy with what I do have?

I don't know what the fuck is going on. Why am I trying to make issues where there aren't any? He literally does nothing wrong buy live his life and yet I'm so unhappy about it? What do I want from him? What is it going to take for me to fucking be happy? I don't understand.

I'm getting so fucking discouraged.

I feel like I'm fucking dying. I feel like I'm losing it. I feel like I'm two seconds away from self-destructing and ruining a good thing. What is wrong with me? Why do i have this... desire thing to end things and be unhappy?

Ruining things between us is not going to make me happy. It's just going to make me more miserable so why am I doing that? Why am I trying to do that?

I don't understand me. What is my problem?

I just want to die.

I want to be left alone. But I want him to pay more attention to me.

I'm obsessed with him and I feel like he's just mildly interested in me. What is wrong with me? Why am I like this...

I hate myself.

How do I get rid of this hatred and angry and misery that I'm carrying around? I don't want it. Nobody deserves it. I don't fucking get it. What do I do.

I'm just going to push him away for no reason.

Why am I purposely trying to push away someone that I just want to pull closer? It makes no sense. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Maybe I should just.. tell him that I'm having some kind of depressive episode and need some space or something until its over. Or to just... I don't know. That I can't be responsible for whatever dumb shit I say or do because it's the depression and not me?

I just want to be happy and enjoy having him as a partner and instead I'm literally causing problems where there are none and making him feel like shit and just being a horrible fucking person for no reason.

I just want to be in love.

I am in love. I have someone who is wonderful and means the world to me.

But I can't even just sit back and enjoy it.

Instead I'm like trying to self-sabotage everything.

What the fuck is wrong with me.

Dear Tristan

Please stop fucking tripping so much because Cayden doesn't talk to you all day. You talk everyday. He may not say he loves you every single day but he does say it consistently and seems pretty sincere when it says it. You know he loves you. You know he misses you. You know he still has feelings for you.

I know you're insecure and needy.

You just need to chill.

This cool guy not only likes you but he loves you. Do you really think somethings wrong because he doesn't shower you with attention all of the damn time?

You sit here and obsess about every little thing. Every word in every text. If it takes two minutes to reply to something you freak the fuck out.

Then you worry and bottle up your worry. And it becomes negative. And  you distance yourself. And start ignoring him.

And then you obsess some more.

Fucking chill dude.

He loves you. You love him.

I know distance sucks and you need a lot of attention but you're making trouble where there are none. Get a fucking gripe bro.

01.21.18.

The day I vow never to need anyone ever again.