Nonsense

I think I'm going crazy. I think it's just the fact that I'm going to be in Joplin soon, like leaving Monday night soon, but I'm really losing my mind. I'm really allowing my feelings for her to just resurface. God. Why does that always happen when I'm about to see her? Maybe its excitment but I really think it's just my dumb ass being fucking dumb again. I don't know how many times this girl can reject me before I finally fucking get the hint but every time I get the chance to see her, I get irrational.

It's no wonder she dumped me the first time. And never wanted to date me again. I'm too intense. And I'm so intensed about her that when I don't talk to her for a while, it just gets all buried but it never comes out with other girls.

I love Caitlin. Me and her are pretty perfect together. We work very well together, in almost every aspect of our lives. But I'm not passionate about her. I never want to just rip her clothes off and do her wherever we are. I love being with her, talking to her, touching her but there's really no heat. And I think its because I'm holding it all in because of Morgan.

Some part... a big part... of me always believed that me and her would end up together. And that is obviously not on her list of things to happen. I mean, she doesn't even really know and I never want to tell her because I'm always dating someone or she is... and because she's rejected me so many times that it's... awful thinking of trying with her again. I even tried kissing her once a few years ago and I really don't think she liked that at all. Even though my brain replays the moment over and over again sometimes, trying to find something in her reaction that wasn't rejection but in the end I really have no idea.

I want to believe that she likes me but doesn't think I'll be around. I like to have that romantic idea in my head that deep down she believes it too but can't admit it to herself until I admit it to her first. I want to believe that she wants me to be her end result the way I want her to be mine sometimes... but... I really don't.

But when we talk all the time... And ONCE out of a million texts she calls me hon, I feel the way I did the first time I met her. But its other girls that don't deserve her. And me... getting with girls I don't deserve and its all just fucked up. And I'm fucked up. About it all.

I just can't wait to get to Joplin, see her and then get back so I can forget her again for the next year or whatever it will be before we talk again and whatever it is we do.

I just hate how fucking insane and pathetic I can get when it comes to her. I would do long distance for her. I'd waste hundreds of dollars to go and see her every other week or even every week. I would move to Joplin to go to MSSU just to be near her. I'd get stationed near her. I'd want her to move wherever I got stationed. I'd want to start a family. I'd want to make it work. I'd want to change my world and ask her to change hers. I'd do so much...

And I don't even know why. The Morgan I fell for years ago isn't there anymore. She's a totally different person and I rarely even know this new her. Still, she drives me wild sometimes. The old Morgan that I like hasn't really gone... I just don't know her anymore.

God. I'm so fucked up. I don't even know anymore. Its ridiculous how crazy I get when it comes to her and no one else. I wish I could get it under control. I wish I could change it. Things would be so different if I could. Maybe she would even notice me then.

I need to stop this. I'm in a loving relationship. Things are finally going to change and get better. Big things are in the works. Morgan is hung up over this crazy girl and needs to get over her and once she does she'll either get back with her, get back with crazy Joy or find someone new that's absolutely crazy - that isn't me. We're really good friends, who will never live anywhere near each other. And... things are going great the way they are and I really don't need to be fucking them up now.

I really just need to stop all this.

Time For A Change

Everything is happening so fast. I leave for BCT in about a month, and I'm leaving so much behind. And I will probably never get to see very many people again, so I'm taking my vacation week to go see Morgan and Nana.

And I just... wonder how it all happened. That these two people are the people that mean so much to me. Nana... I met her at camp when I was like 13 and my heart just stayed with her, no matter what crap she was putting me through. I was in love and when I got rejected, I somehow found a way to get past it.

And Morgan - we were supposed to be together forever. I was... what? 16? When I met her. When I fell in love with her. I even know the day - October 29th, 2005. And she had held a part of my heart ever since.

Six years later and the thought of her being unhappy still makes me sad. I know that me and Morgan aren't meant to be together. It's hard. Because a part of me wants it. Not right now. Right now, I'm with Caitlin and it's the most amazing thing I've ever had in my life. I do a lot for her and I want to continue to be hers.

But Morgan. I think, in the back of my mind, I want us to end up together. It's like... throughout the journey of my life we're just supposed to be friends but the destination is supposed to be her? I guess. I know that sounds stupid, but somewhere in me I believe that.

I know she doesn't feel that way for me, and even if she did it wouldn't go anywhere. I have Caitlin for one. She is the most important. And also, Morgan lives in Joplin and will probably never leave there and I just can't see myself living there. Having friends there. Becoming apart of that town? I would go crazy. Absolutely crazy.

And its crazy, but that is probably the biggest reason why we would never work. I still find her attractive. I still enjoy talking to her. I still love her in a way. And I will never stop caring about her. But I can't change my life for her. I'm going to BCT soon and then I'll be stationed somewhere and I need to live somewhere where there is an Army Base. And Joplin... that is just not going to happen.

I kind of just wish she was strong enough to leave Joplin behind and venture out on her own but she's not. She needs to be there. But she doesn't go to school, she works in a factory, she parties all the damn time and that's how she is okay living. I'm not. I need so much more than just those things in order to survive. Maybe doing that for a few weeks or even a few months is alright, but a lifetime? I could never do that.

And besides, there are so many other factors about Morgan that prevent us from ever working. Like, I highly doubt that she has any romantic feelings for me. I think that ship sailed about two years ago. In fact, I'm pretty sure it has and its never coming back by again. I don't mean to downplay her life in Joplin. I'm actually kind of jealous. She had great friends and a supportive family that loves her. I just wish she could recognize a bad situation and actually try to fix it, but she's not strong enough. And... she would never let me try to help her.

So. We will probably never, ever be in a place where... where she likes me. It's crazy how things can do in two totally different directions. I remember when we were suppose to mean the world to each other, but she stopped trying to compromise with me a lot time ago. Now she just wants these horrible girls that don't want her... who are just slowly destroying her and she's letting them.

The point of this, though, is that I think she will always have a piece of my heart. Or, at the very least, in the back of my mind, a place where I don't even want to acknowledge exist, Morgan will probably always mean something more to me than just a friend to me.

The only question is, do I just let it be there... let her be there. Or should I take this New Year and New Life I'm about to start, and try to eliminate it?

I got over Nana, and we're way better for it. Should I try the same thing with Morgan? And completely eliminate any possibilities...?