Everything is happening so fast. I leave for BCT in about a month, and I'm leaving so much behind. And I will probably never get to see very many people again, so I'm taking my vacation week to go see Morgan and Nana.
And I just... wonder how it all happened. That these two people are the people that mean so much to me. Nana... I met her at camp when I was like 13 and my heart just stayed with her, no matter what crap she was putting me through. I was in love and when I got rejected, I somehow found a way to get past it.
And Morgan - we were supposed to be together forever. I was... what? 16? When I met her. When I fell in love with her. I even know the day - October 29th, 2005. And she had held a part of my heart ever since.
Six years later and the thought of her being unhappy still makes me sad. I know that me and Morgan aren't meant to be together. It's hard. Because a part of me wants it. Not right now. Right now, I'm with Caitlin and it's the most amazing thing I've ever had in my life. I do a lot for her and I want to continue to be hers.
But Morgan. I think, in the back of my mind, I want us to end up together. It's like... throughout the journey of my life we're just supposed to be friends but the destination is supposed to be her? I guess. I know that sounds stupid, but somewhere in me I believe that.
I know she doesn't feel that way for me, and even if she did it wouldn't go anywhere. I have Caitlin for one. She is the most important. And also, Morgan lives in Joplin and will probably never leave there and I just can't see myself living there. Having friends there. Becoming apart of that town? I would go crazy. Absolutely crazy.
And its crazy, but that is probably the biggest reason why we would never work. I still find her attractive. I still enjoy talking to her. I still love her in a way. And I will never stop caring about her. But I can't change my life for her. I'm going to BCT soon and then I'll be stationed somewhere and I need to live somewhere where there is an Army Base. And Joplin... that is just not going to happen.
I kind of just wish she was strong enough to leave Joplin behind and venture out on her own but she's not. She needs to be there. But she doesn't go to school, she works in a factory, she parties all the damn time and that's how she is okay living. I'm not. I need so much more than just those things in order to survive. Maybe doing that for a few weeks or even a few months is alright, but a lifetime? I could never do that.
And besides, there are so many other factors about Morgan that prevent us from ever working. Like, I highly doubt that she has any romantic feelings for me. I think that ship sailed about two years ago. In fact, I'm pretty sure it has and its never coming back by again. I don't mean to downplay her life in Joplin. I'm actually kind of jealous. She had great friends and a supportive family that loves her. I just wish she could recognize a bad situation and actually try to fix it, but she's not strong enough. And... she would never let me try to help her.
So. We will probably never, ever be in a place where... where she likes me. It's crazy how things can do in two totally different directions. I remember when we were suppose to mean the world to each other, but she stopped trying to compromise with me a lot time ago. Now she just wants these horrible girls that don't want her... who are just slowly destroying her and she's letting them.
The point of this, though, is that I think she will always have a piece of my heart. Or, at the very least, in the back of my mind, a place where I don't even want to acknowledge exist, Morgan will probably always mean something more to me than just a friend to me.
The only question is, do I just let it be there... let her be there. Or should I take this New Year and New Life I'm about to start, and try to eliminate it?
I got over Nana, and we're way better for it. Should I try the same thing with Morgan? And completely eliminate any possibilities...?
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