Nonsense

I think I'm going crazy. I think it's just the fact that I'm going to be in Joplin soon, like leaving Monday night soon, but I'm really losing my mind. I'm really allowing my feelings for her to just resurface. God. Why does that always happen when I'm about to see her? Maybe its excitment but I really think it's just my dumb ass being fucking dumb again. I don't know how many times this girl can reject me before I finally fucking get the hint but every time I get the chance to see her, I get irrational.

It's no wonder she dumped me the first time. And never wanted to date me again. I'm too intense. And I'm so intensed about her that when I don't talk to her for a while, it just gets all buried but it never comes out with other girls.

I love Caitlin. Me and her are pretty perfect together. We work very well together, in almost every aspect of our lives. But I'm not passionate about her. I never want to just rip her clothes off and do her wherever we are. I love being with her, talking to her, touching her but there's really no heat. And I think its because I'm holding it all in because of Morgan.

Some part... a big part... of me always believed that me and her would end up together. And that is obviously not on her list of things to happen. I mean, she doesn't even really know and I never want to tell her because I'm always dating someone or she is... and because she's rejected me so many times that it's... awful thinking of trying with her again. I even tried kissing her once a few years ago and I really don't think she liked that at all. Even though my brain replays the moment over and over again sometimes, trying to find something in her reaction that wasn't rejection but in the end I really have no idea.

I want to believe that she likes me but doesn't think I'll be around. I like to have that romantic idea in my head that deep down she believes it too but can't admit it to herself until I admit it to her first. I want to believe that she wants me to be her end result the way I want her to be mine sometimes... but... I really don't.

But when we talk all the time... And ONCE out of a million texts she calls me hon, I feel the way I did the first time I met her. But its other girls that don't deserve her. And me... getting with girls I don't deserve and its all just fucked up. And I'm fucked up. About it all.

I just can't wait to get to Joplin, see her and then get back so I can forget her again for the next year or whatever it will be before we talk again and whatever it is we do.

I just hate how fucking insane and pathetic I can get when it comes to her. I would do long distance for her. I'd waste hundreds of dollars to go and see her every other week or even every week. I would move to Joplin to go to MSSU just to be near her. I'd get stationed near her. I'd want her to move wherever I got stationed. I'd want to start a family. I'd want to make it work. I'd want to change my world and ask her to change hers. I'd do so much...

And I don't even know why. The Morgan I fell for years ago isn't there anymore. She's a totally different person and I rarely even know this new her. Still, she drives me wild sometimes. The old Morgan that I like hasn't really gone... I just don't know her anymore.

God. I'm so fucked up. I don't even know anymore. Its ridiculous how crazy I get when it comes to her and no one else. I wish I could get it under control. I wish I could change it. Things would be so different if I could. Maybe she would even notice me then.

I need to stop this. I'm in a loving relationship. Things are finally going to change and get better. Big things are in the works. Morgan is hung up over this crazy girl and needs to get over her and once she does she'll either get back with her, get back with crazy Joy or find someone new that's absolutely crazy - that isn't me. We're really good friends, who will never live anywhere near each other. And... things are going great the way they are and I really don't need to be fucking them up now.

I really just need to stop all this.