Weak Point

JayCee. Oh Jeez. I got on here intially to talk about the newness of Washington and how I finally made it to the barracks I will be staying in yesterday and all this other awesome/ confusing stuff about my Unit. But I got on facebook which led me to looking at JayCee's profile and man. That woman. How can I be so attracted to one woman?

She is gorgeous dude. I think that's what's getting me on her appearance. She's sexy and tomboy and tough looking and I very much enjoy it. But she's absolutely gorgeous, also, and I'm hooked. I want to see her all the time and just be in her presence. Dude... what is happeneing to me.

This is such a weak moment. Meeting a girl and liking a girl and then wanting to be around her all the time. And the kicker... actually admitting that to her. Letting her know just how much she affects me. Yeah - That's the freaking part that gets me. I don't know why I'm so open and honest about how much I like her but I am and... it just makes me want to like her more.

What in the world am I going to do? At this point, I could totally walk away. It would suck, maybe even hurt but I could walk away. Maybe even after sleeping with her, I can walk away. But that Walk Away period isn't going to last very much longer. I'm going to get attached. And then what do I do?

Washington

So far, this place as been a lot of fun. Despite the fact that they stuck me in Reception barracks that can only be compared to prison with the brick white walls and empty... yes empty... beds because apparently people steal linen so you can't have them on your bed or they may get jacked. Ha! Its funny but annoying. Its like a creepy version of BCT cause your bed has like a little cubby hole.

I think Washington would be a lot more fun if I had a car so that's number one of my list! Once I get a car, enjoy Washington will be alot more fun and I can actually go up to Seattle. Bad ass. Once I get my bonus it should be a lot easier. And stop paying Caitlin's bitch ass. Ugh. Wish she would just disappear.

Anyway. So. Somehow in the course of a week I've met a pretty interesting female who has actually caught my attention. Which is crazy, right. Cause Females don't do that. Ever. But with Jenn... aka JayCee which is such a cute name... she has. She's blonde with brown eyes. 29 years old. And just so fascinating. I mean. Yes. Maybe I'm rebounding from Caitlin cause she kind of fucked my world up a bit but JayCee really cool. She sings Karaoke... very fucking well. She's family oriented. From what I can tell her friends love the crap out of her. She's kind and funny and shy and goofy and so freaking cute it should be a crime. And I just don't know...

I just broke up with Caitlin like less than a month ago even though we've actually been broken up for months. At least we've been mentally and emotionally broken up for months and the distance just made it easier. But I think I like JayCee too much. We just met and I already want to spend a shit ton of time with her. And I tried chalking is up to just wanting to spend time with anyone who would give me the time of day but I was with Stacy (another girl I just met who I've been spending time with and who so obviously wants to fuck me) and I still think of JayCee. Then again, JayCee is tomboyish and has a cute style and Stacy is fem... so maybe I'm just more attracted to the tomboy thing and that's what really is reeling me in. So I'm going to test that theory by finding another tomboy to hang out with... Somehow. Not exactly sure how I will find this tomboy but I will!

I WANT it to just be the fact that JayCee is tomboy. And not that fact that she's awesome to talk to and be around. She's super cute when she blushes. She's generous and dependable and likes to have fun. And definitely not the fact that I can sit and listen to her talk and just become more and more intrigued by the second. Cause that's going to get me... it really is. People that fascinate me are my downfall! Chai... Luckey... ugh. The only girls that caught my attention right off the bat and ended up being epic fails. Like. Very epic.

Really. Right now. I just want to get JayCee out of my head. So what if she's a good person. So what if she's really sweet. So what if I'm actually physically attracted to her. Which I haven't been towards anyone is a very long time. Ugh. This is insane. I need to refocus my focus. I can't be wanting to prove to a girl I barely know that not everyone is a freaking jerk and that some folks will actually appreciate her for who she is and not what she can give them.

Oh Jeez. I've lost my mind. This has to be a freaking rebound cause... if its not, I'm in so much trouble. I just freaking met the girl. I'm not suppose to "like" her yet. But its certainly heading that way. I haven't even kissed her yet. I don't even know if its okay to kiss her because when we first met she said she was looking for friends first, dating second.

Man. What the hell is my problem.

Don't Belong

I guess its the time of the month where I feel down on myself and talk about how crappy my life has become. Even though, its really not that bad. Its not perfect. Not yet. I guess its not all that bad. The military has opened up so many doors. I just have to figure out a way to fix all the things I messed up. I was so busy trying to get the fuck out of St. Louis, that I left behind some loose ends.

But like I said, my life really isn't that bad. I think graduation from AIT and moving to Washington in like 22 hours just has me feeling a little depressed. Everyone has their families here and I don't. Everyone is saying goodbye to significant others they've made or reuniting with significant other's they've been away from and I'm not. I have absolutely no one. I have no place to call home.

I guess that's how I wanted it. I like being able to go where ever I want without having to worry about what I'm leaving behind. It makes it a lot easier. But at the same time I wish I had somewhere to call home. Caitlin and all of the lesian drama has ruined St. Louis for me. My mom is in California but I haven't been there in practically 15 years. Chicago... Jesus, I've grown so sick of that place and the only person there is Nana and she has made her own family there. Morgan is staying in Joplin to be with this girl she just met and claimed to love already. Yes... feeling a little resentment about that.

I'm moving to Washington. And the only thing I'm taking with me is a few boxes from home that's full of books and whatnot.

Maybe I'm just sick of this alone feeling. Even though I ruined things with Caitlin. But she wasn't the one for me. She drove me crazy. She wanted to control the wrong parts of me. She claimed to love me but I was never good enough for her. I think I was just like a trophy girlfriend. Something to show to people and be like "Haha, I'm doing better than you are" or something like that. I never felt loved by her. Well taken care of and maybe a little spoiled but that's it. Plus she's so insecure that it depresses me. I was never happy with her. Maybe some of that has to do with the fact that I'm not attracted to her. Like I don't find her... sexy or attractive or appealing in anyway. She was kind of a big turn off for me, actually.

Anyway. What do I want? I want money so that I can do the things I want to do. I want to travel. I want good friends that want to hang out with me and listen to my problems and trust me enough to tell me their secrets. I want a girl who loves life and loves to enjoy it. A girl who will go drinking with me and have a good time without me having to worry too much about them. A girl I find attractive in more ways than one. A girl who has her shit together and wants me for who I am. Not wanting to change me.

I don't know where to go from here. I don't belong and I'm sick of not belonging. I want to belong somewhere. I want to belong to someone. I want someone to want to be with me because they like me for me. Not because they like what they can maybe change me into. Its so heart breaking to realize that the last 2 years of your life was a lie and now you have to find a freaking way to fix it. But you don't have a freaking clue...

Where do I start, I wonder. Where do I go from here?