I guess its the time of the month where I feel down on myself and talk about how crappy my life has become. Even though, its really not that bad. Its not perfect. Not yet. I guess its not all that bad. The military has opened up so many doors. I just have to figure out a way to fix all the things I messed up. I was so busy trying to get the fuck out of St. Louis, that I left behind some loose ends.
But like I said, my life really isn't that bad. I think graduation from AIT and moving to Washington in like 22 hours just has me feeling a little depressed. Everyone has their families here and I don't. Everyone is saying goodbye to significant others they've made or reuniting with significant other's they've been away from and I'm not. I have absolutely no one. I have no place to call home.
I guess that's how I wanted it. I like being able to go where ever I want without having to worry about what I'm leaving behind. It makes it a lot easier. But at the same time I wish I had somewhere to call home. Caitlin and all of the lesian drama has ruined St. Louis for me. My mom is in California but I haven't been there in practically 15 years. Chicago... Jesus, I've grown so sick of that place and the only person there is Nana and she has made her own family there. Morgan is staying in Joplin to be with this girl she just met and claimed to love already. Yes... feeling a little resentment about that.
I'm moving to Washington. And the only thing I'm taking with me is a few boxes from home that's full of books and whatnot.
Maybe I'm just sick of this alone feeling. Even though I ruined things with Caitlin. But she wasn't the one for me. She drove me crazy. She wanted to control the wrong parts of me. She claimed to love me but I was never good enough for her. I think I was just like a trophy girlfriend. Something to show to people and be like "Haha, I'm doing better than you are" or something like that. I never felt loved by her. Well taken care of and maybe a little spoiled but that's it. Plus she's so insecure that it depresses me. I was never happy with her. Maybe some of that has to do with the fact that I'm not attracted to her. Like I don't find her... sexy or attractive or appealing in anyway. She was kind of a big turn off for me, actually.
Anyway. What do I want? I want money so that I can do the things I want to do. I want to travel. I want good friends that want to hang out with me and listen to my problems and trust me enough to tell me their secrets. I want a girl who loves life and loves to enjoy it. A girl who will go drinking with me and have a good time without me having to worry too much about them. A girl I find attractive in more ways than one. A girl who has her shit together and wants me for who I am. Not wanting to change me.
I don't know where to go from here. I don't belong and I'm sick of not belonging. I want to belong somewhere. I want to belong to someone. I want someone to want to be with me because they like me for me. Not because they like what they can maybe change me into. Its so heart breaking to realize that the last 2 years of your life was a lie and now you have to find a freaking way to fix it. But you don't have a freaking clue...
Where do I start, I wonder. Where do I go from here?
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