No Way Out

I am so depressed right now. Its like I can see the darkness. And I can see myself being pulled farther and farther into it. And I just can not pull myself out of it.

It is so fucking bad right now. I feel lost and broken and desperate and alone and... hopeless. Like. I don't see a way out of this. I dont see a way out.

Maybe this is just my exhaustion that is making this more than it is. I know being hungry or tired makes these feelings ten times worse and right now I am so damn tired.

But I feel lost. I want so many things and once I get these things... guess what... they're not going to change anything. Instead of having absolutely nothing, I'll have an expensive car that I have nowhere to drive to in. Microsoft Word to write about characters I'm too depressed to write about. I'll have an expensive flat screen TV to watch expensive cable that has nothing on. Dvds and Blu-rays that I've seen a thousand fucking times. Internet to talk to people on facebook that I only depress. I'll have a surround system to listen to all of that nothingness. A GPS to go nowhere... A Wii I won't want to play by myself.

I'm sick of this! I'm sick of being alone. I'm sick of having no one. All the people I do get a little close to just keep getting farther and farther away. I'm sick of playing games. I sick of them being necessary. I'm sick of tackling life alone. I'm sick of not being able to trust people. I'm sick of getting stepped out and used. I'm sick of having to deal with scarred individuals. I'm sick of liars. I'm sick of fake people. I'm sick of broken fucking people who are not ready to get over being broken but like to pretend they are and bring people down in the process.

I'm sick of being a good person and caring and being affected by those people who are only interested in hurting my and bettering themselves. I'm sick of this life. I'm sick of it!

I want out.

Can Broken Hearts Be Mended?

"Monday, December 08, 2008

Currently Greatest Hits Volume 1 By Rascal Flatts see related Story Of My Life When things seem like they're coming together, it's the same moment where everything feels as if it's falling apart. Kelly is leaving. I knew this was coming but that didn't prepare me for the realization. Come Janurary 1st, she will be leaving. And as much as I don't want to admit this, it feels like for good. We should be getting closer together. We should be able to start a relationship that goes beyond friendship... but she's leaving and we can't. Doesn't matter than I can talk to her about anything if I wanted to. Doesn't matter that when I see her my day instantly gets better. Doesn't matter that it feels completely right to have her in my arms. None of that matters. None of that ever fucking matters and I think I'm going out of my fucking mind now. Because I'm losing someone that is so damn important to me once a fucking again. How often do I have to do this, huh? How many times? Should I just stop getting close to people? Because, God fucking damn it, they always leave. Or I leave. But they are never fucking there. God. Never. And I don't know how to handle this. I'm trying to see her as often as possible. Try to spend as much time with her as possible because our time together will be up too damn soon. But it just makes me think about her moving that much more. It just makes me miss her that much more. And makes me think how every day that goes by is just one day less we'll have together. I know. Suck it up, Tee. That's life. Get over it. But I've done this shit before. I never wanted to be with Nana, but she was my best friend and I loved her to death. And I had to leave her. And it has taken me five years to gather up the courage to go and see her. Right now, I should be worrying about getting ready for finals and seeing Nana on the 21st and finally meeting Kena. But I'm not. I'm sitting here, angry and pissed the fuck off that Kelly will be gone in less than a month. It's not right. She has become such a big part of my life. I don't want to let her go. I don't want to see her go. To lose someone else. Yet another person. Will it never end? Ever!? And everytime I see her, I end my nights like this. Upset. Feeling as if I'm losing a part of myself. But I can't stop seeing her. I miss her. Even if she nevers know the extent of my feelings or if I never make a move to show her, they are there and they only get stronger the more I see her and talk to her. Cept, everytime we have to say goodbye... it sucks.  So damn much. And the fact that I have to be the bigger person and tell her to go because it is better for her to leave, it kills me. Jesus, it's tearing me up inside. I don't know what to do to deal with this. Haven't a clue. This isn't helping. It's not getting anything real out. The only thing that I'm starting to realize, is that I'm falling for a girl that will never fall back. That will never even know. Will never understand. I never fucking knew that the best thing for someone I love would be the worse thing for me. I know it's wrong and selfish and weak of me to say this, but I wish I could just tell her to stay. Another love I will never know." I wrote that... about Kelly nearly four years ago. Recently, she's come back into my life and we've been talking and texting and she told me that she wanted to be with me but I chalked up my residual feels for her to the fact that things with Jenn were so chaotic that I needed something to focus my attention on and to get the attention she wasn't giving me to someone else. Now things with me and Jenn are so completely over and maybe I'm rebounding on Kelly... But. I loved Kelly. I was falling in love with her back then and now I don't know what I'm doing. The more we talk, the more I feel. That's definite. But I guess I didn't really think much was going to happen between us because she's all the way in Missouri. But... I guess something she said today... or the way she said it... really struck a cord with me. She had such conviction in her voice when she said that she wanted to be with me and that nothing was going to stand in the way of that. No matter what happens. No matter how long it takes, we're going to end up together. Lol No one's ever told me that before. And now I think I'm just being selfish. Saying we can't be together because of distance. I know I'm saying that because I can't do distance. I need someone that's here and I'm hoping to find someone that's here. And I kind of want that person to be a tomboy though that wouldn't matter with her. If she were here. I would want to be with her no matter what, but she's not here... She says she wants to come here. And if she did, I wouldn't hesitate. Is that being selfish? Waiting. Saying I can't be with her because I get insecure and more depressed with distance? I don't know anymore... Is wanting someone that is here selfish? I've already lost Kelly once. Look how badly I was hurt then. I didn't even realize it. Or maybe I said what I was going to do and just buried it all because it hurt that bad. It hurt so bad that I had to bury it so deep that I can't even remember what it felt like to love her then. And now I feel like I'm just making up excuses. That my desire to need someone that is in close proximity is just an excuse not to let her close again because it hurt so damn much to lose her the first time. Not being able to see her is going to kill me and I know I'm going to flip out about not being able to hug her or kiss her or sleep in her arms or cry on her shoulder... but is that really why I won't just be with her now? What's really holding me back? How do I open up my heart to someone?

Losing

I can't ever remember being this lost before.

I think it has more to do with the fact that I am so utterly alone here.
I have such good friends... in Missouri and Illinois and freaking Hawaii. No one is here for me, though. Maybe I'm just being selfish, wanting them to be in close proximity. But I do! I don't have a single solid thing to rely on here.

I really am trying to maintain myself. I just don't know how. I guess I'm weak. I don't know how to survive on my own. Books. Working out. Movies. DVDs. Facebook. None of that is helping with this soul-draining feeling of loneliness.

I decided it might be a good idea to talk to Morgan about this and she replied with "You need to make friends." Like I haven't been trying! And then I tell her that everyone on base is straight and married with kids, she made it seem like its totally natural because 22 year olds do that. And that I'm not normal cause I'm 22 and don't want that.

Cept I do want that. I just don't want it any type of way. I'm not willing to just throw myself into it without being prepared. I want a family. I want a child. I want a stable environment for that child. But I want a partner that loves me and friends that support me before I try to do all that because you need that to have a successful foundation. I can't just do that to myself or my future child the way my mom and the moms around me have done! I just can't.

So. I don't know what to do. I'm not going to have a baby just so I won't be lonely. I'm not going to settle for someone I don't care about or treats me like crap. All of my friends are hundreds of miles away. My family is hundreds of miles away. I'm utterly alone.

I don't know how to reaffirm my identity. I don't even know who I am anymore.