Losing

I can't ever remember being this lost before.

I think it has more to do with the fact that I am so utterly alone here.
I have such good friends... in Missouri and Illinois and freaking Hawaii. No one is here for me, though. Maybe I'm just being selfish, wanting them to be in close proximity. But I do! I don't have a single solid thing to rely on here.

I really am trying to maintain myself. I just don't know how. I guess I'm weak. I don't know how to survive on my own. Books. Working out. Movies. DVDs. Facebook. None of that is helping with this soul-draining feeling of loneliness.

I decided it might be a good idea to talk to Morgan about this and she replied with "You need to make friends." Like I haven't been trying! And then I tell her that everyone on base is straight and married with kids, she made it seem like its totally natural because 22 year olds do that. And that I'm not normal cause I'm 22 and don't want that.

Cept I do want that. I just don't want it any type of way. I'm not willing to just throw myself into it without being prepared. I want a family. I want a child. I want a stable environment for that child. But I want a partner that loves me and friends that support me before I try to do all that because you need that to have a successful foundation. I can't just do that to myself or my future child the way my mom and the moms around me have done! I just can't.

So. I don't know what to do. I'm not going to have a baby just so I won't be lonely. I'm not going to settle for someone I don't care about or treats me like crap. All of my friends are hundreds of miles away. My family is hundreds of miles away. I'm utterly alone.

I don't know how to reaffirm my identity. I don't even know who I am anymore.