Can Broken Hearts Be Mended?

"Monday, December 08, 2008

Currently Greatest Hits Volume 1 By Rascal Flatts see related Story Of My Life When things seem like they're coming together, it's the same moment where everything feels as if it's falling apart. Kelly is leaving. I knew this was coming but that didn't prepare me for the realization. Come Janurary 1st, she will be leaving. And as much as I don't want to admit this, it feels like for good. We should be getting closer together. We should be able to start a relationship that goes beyond friendship... but she's leaving and we can't. Doesn't matter than I can talk to her about anything if I wanted to. Doesn't matter that when I see her my day instantly gets better. Doesn't matter that it feels completely right to have her in my arms. None of that matters. None of that ever fucking matters and I think I'm going out of my fucking mind now. Because I'm losing someone that is so damn important to me once a fucking again. How often do I have to do this, huh? How many times? Should I just stop getting close to people? Because, God fucking damn it, they always leave. Or I leave. But they are never fucking there. God. Never. And I don't know how to handle this. I'm trying to see her as often as possible. Try to spend as much time with her as possible because our time together will be up too damn soon. But it just makes me think about her moving that much more. It just makes me miss her that much more. And makes me think how every day that goes by is just one day less we'll have together. I know. Suck it up, Tee. That's life. Get over it. But I've done this shit before. I never wanted to be with Nana, but she was my best friend and I loved her to death. And I had to leave her. And it has taken me five years to gather up the courage to go and see her. Right now, I should be worrying about getting ready for finals and seeing Nana on the 21st and finally meeting Kena. But I'm not. I'm sitting here, angry and pissed the fuck off that Kelly will be gone in less than a month. It's not right. She has become such a big part of my life. I don't want to let her go. I don't want to see her go. To lose someone else. Yet another person. Will it never end? Ever!? And everytime I see her, I end my nights like this. Upset. Feeling as if I'm losing a part of myself. But I can't stop seeing her. I miss her. Even if she nevers know the extent of my feelings or if I never make a move to show her, they are there and they only get stronger the more I see her and talk to her. Cept, everytime we have to say goodbye... it sucks.  So damn much. And the fact that I have to be the bigger person and tell her to go because it is better for her to leave, it kills me. Jesus, it's tearing me up inside. I don't know what to do to deal with this. Haven't a clue. This isn't helping. It's not getting anything real out. The only thing that I'm starting to realize, is that I'm falling for a girl that will never fall back. That will never even know. Will never understand. I never fucking knew that the best thing for someone I love would be the worse thing for me. I know it's wrong and selfish and weak of me to say this, but I wish I could just tell her to stay. Another love I will never know." I wrote that... about Kelly nearly four years ago. Recently, she's come back into my life and we've been talking and texting and she told me that she wanted to be with me but I chalked up my residual feels for her to the fact that things with Jenn were so chaotic that I needed something to focus my attention on and to get the attention she wasn't giving me to someone else. Now things with me and Jenn are so completely over and maybe I'm rebounding on Kelly... But. I loved Kelly. I was falling in love with her back then and now I don't know what I'm doing. The more we talk, the more I feel. That's definite. But I guess I didn't really think much was going to happen between us because she's all the way in Missouri. But... I guess something she said today... or the way she said it... really struck a cord with me. She had such conviction in her voice when she said that she wanted to be with me and that nothing was going to stand in the way of that. No matter what happens. No matter how long it takes, we're going to end up together. Lol No one's ever told me that before. And now I think I'm just being selfish. Saying we can't be together because of distance. I know I'm saying that because I can't do distance. I need someone that's here and I'm hoping to find someone that's here. And I kind of want that person to be a tomboy though that wouldn't matter with her. If she were here. I would want to be with her no matter what, but she's not here... She says she wants to come here. And if she did, I wouldn't hesitate. Is that being selfish? Waiting. Saying I can't be with her because I get insecure and more depressed with distance? I don't know anymore... Is wanting someone that is here selfish? I've already lost Kelly once. Look how badly I was hurt then. I didn't even realize it. Or maybe I said what I was going to do and just buried it all because it hurt that bad. It hurt so bad that I had to bury it so deep that I can't even remember what it felt like to love her then. And now I feel like I'm just making up excuses. That my desire to need someone that is in close proximity is just an excuse not to let her close again because it hurt so damn much to lose her the first time. Not being able to see her is going to kill me and I know I'm going to flip out about not being able to hug her or kiss her or sleep in her arms or cry on her shoulder... but is that really why I won't just be with her now? What's really holding me back? How do I open up my heart to someone?