Kelly's 20th Birthday

Today is Kelly's birthday. My baby is 20 years old today. Its so weird to think that I've known her since she was 16. I can't really believe that shit. Its funny, because she is pretty much the same person she was back then. Still goofy. Still hilarious. Still allows things like this to happen to her. Lol. She got home from work and had a birthday cake waiting for her from her family. She laid on the floor and they placed a birthday cake on her tummy. And then her brother decided to attack her with silly string. Think he might have gotten a little carried away.

I don't think I would've enjoyed having this done to me... in fact, this might piss me off a little bit because I love my clothes so much but I can tell she enjoyed this. I dunno how she likes crazy things like this. Lol. But the fact that she does is just one of the many reasons why I love her so damn much. She is just the weirdest dork ever, and her family cracks me up, but I really like these people. And I really love her. I really wish I could've been there for her birthday. It kind of makes me sad that I had to miss out. But next year... we will have each other next years. And at least I get to spend mine with hers.

I know I was upset when she told me she'd be working most of the time that I'm in town. It sucked to hear and I don't really know what I'm going to be doing while she's working. Like I know I told her not to really take off but I figured she'd have her regular days off, at least. Oh well. I will just find something to do, I guess. I am just glad I get to see her soon. Four more official days. Only 4 more days... out of like 4 years. I can't even hold in my anticipation. I already started packing. Lol. I can not wait until my plane touches down in St. Louis and I get to wrap her in my arms. And kiss her for the first time. Its all I can really think about. I doubt I'll even be able to take my eyes off of her or my hands off of her for even a second. I wish I had enough money for a hotel... but, sadly, I'm broke. I did still manage to a book she really wanted by her favorite author, though. She should be getting it by the time I see her. Lol.

I love her so much. I didn't even think it was possible to love someone the way that I love this girl. Things are just so perfect. We are complete opposites, from two totally different worlds. She doesn't like anime or superheros and she refuses to try Asian food, but she still makes my heart pound. She asks why I picked her when we're so different and all I can think is that she was made for me. Two sides of the same coin. I didn't choose her. My heart fell for hers. Lol. Maybe that sounds lame but its 100 percent true.

My Baby

My Baby

So, Kelly's birthday is tomorrow, so I sent her flowers and she finally got them today.

Let me just say that surprising her has to be the hardest thing in the world to do! She told me that she doesn't work on Fridays, so I put the date for Friday and to be sent to her mother's house. Cept, Thursday night she decides that she's going to her dads to rip up the carpet.

So I started freaking out. She ended up spending the night. I called Friday and changed it to Saturday, thinking she would go to her dads Friday. Instead, she goes to Jamie's. So at this point, I'm like screw it!

Lol. I wanted it to be delivered TO HER. Instead, her brother got them and told her that something was delivered to her but he didn't say what it was or who it was from. Gotta love her brother.

So finally, after a day out with Jamie and her daughter at the mall, she finally made it home. I was on the phone with her when she got them. I kind of lied and said I didn't send her anything when her brother had called earlier, but of course I wasn't going to confess. After how fucking hard it was to keep it a secret in the first place. I almost told her like a thousand times to just go home so she could get them. I did learn one thing though! The next time I want to surprise her, its going to have to be super, extra stealthy. Granted, being so far away, doing anything for her is going to be ten times more difficult than it would be if we were at least living in the same state. When we're living together, I'm probably going to have to hide stuff in the barracks if I want to keep them a secret. Lol.

I know she's like 2,000 miles away but things have been so great with her. Better than it has been with any girl I've dated... probably in the last 4 years. She's so amazing. She's kind, attenative, silly, funny, caring, cute, sexy, understanding. She loves me exactly the way I am and isn't afraid to be 100 percent of herself. She tells me everything. She's always honest. She's always asking my opinion on things in her life. And she's told her entire family and her friends about me. She sincerely cares.

And the way she makes me feel... I don't even know how to describe it. I'm just genuinely happy when I talk to her. She makes me laugh, she makes me smile. She makes me feel included and cared about. Its like 4 years ago, when we were first hanging out. Well, almost four years ago... back in July of 2008. I loved her so much. When she left, it was so difficult for me. I didn't even realize how difficult it was. It broke my heart and I haven't been able to really love anyone since then.

Now that I have her back I don't ever want to let her go again. I honestly think we were meant to be together. She's amazing. And we are better having each in the other's life than without. When she left, I went from one fucked up thing with a girl to another. My thinking changed. I valued the wrong things. Dated the wrong people. Got stuck in a almost two year relationship with someone I could never be happy with, searching for the things I wanted with Kelly from someone else. And she got into a almost 3 year relationship with a douche bag who treated her so terribly, abused her and cheated on her with a 14 year old a month before she was supposed to get married to him. And when we stopped talking when I got to Korea, back in November, I got a DUI and got into a crazy thing with that bitch, and she got addicted to alcohol and pills...

I think with her in my life, I'm not selfish anymore. I don't want things just for myself. I want things for the both of us. I want things for her. I want to make her life better. I want to always be there for her. I love her. I can actually see myself starting a family with her one day. I can't wait to be with her on Thursday. I just can't wait to wrap my arms around her and tell her how much I love her in person. And I can't wait until she moves here and we can actually be together. Like... a couple. Like... partners.

Maybe that is the difference. I just want to love her and be with her. She makes me more happy that anyone I've ever been with. I don't even know how many times I can say it. Lol. Think she may be the love of my life. I see her and she tugs at my heart strings. I wish I could wrap my arms around her and just love her forever. I miss her so damn much. I love her so damn much. I don't think I've ever been so sure of anything before in my life. I'm actually thinking of reenlisting for another 3 or 4 years, just so I can give her the things she needs in life. Wow. I've really fallen in love with her. Lol.

My Love

So, I bought my ticket and my leave has been approved so I'll be flying into Lambert Airport on the 3rd around 8:40 PM. I am so excited!! Kelly is going to pick me up and I can't fucking wait to wrap my arms around her again. I don't know how I ever let her go in the first place, or the second time... well, the second time, it was different. I wanted her to help herself. I wanted her to change on her own, without my motivation or influence and she did. I mean, she got a little lost on the way, but she got a job and a car. She took her GED, and only missed it by a few points, so she's taking it again.

I'm not saying I was trying to test her or anything but I just really wanted her to be able to do the things she wanted without anyone's help. And she did. I can admit it, I was worried. I've made a lot of mistakes and its hard trying to rebuild myself. I need someone who can take care of themselves, as well as allow me to take care of them. There has to be a balance. And its kind of a fragile balance, but if you're meant to be with someone then it will come easy. We both have a lot of growing up to do before we can reach our dreams but we have a really good start. And her moving here, is one big as step towards getting what we both want.

The one true thing I know that I want for her is for her to reach her goals and to be happy. But I also want her to live a little. Since, joining the Army, I've gotten to travel and explore new places and try new things I would never have if I stayed in Missouri. And now I want to share that with her. I hate that she's never been out of Missouri and Illinois. I hate that all she used to do was sit at her friends house, drinking and smoking and ruining all of that potential. I don't know if its all together right or wrong, but I want her to live in a nice place, in a nice neighborhood. I want her to have a nice car. I want her to have a nice, homey place to call home. With nice furniture and decorations. I want her to be active. I want her to explore with me. Travel with me. Try new and exciting things. And I want her to have a freaking bank account with some money saved up. I want her to have nice things. Is that wrong? I just want to chance her life, a little. For the better. Not saying that the way I live my life is perfect, cause its not, but it drives me crazy that she has to live her life the way she does.

And, I don't know. I am trying so hard to get away from the life I grew up in. Bad neighborhoods, shitty places to live, no money, drugs and alcohol and violence. I don't want that for my future kids. I don't want to do to them what was done to me. I don't ever want to have to experience all of that shit again. And I definitely don't want someone I love so much to have to go through it, also. Kelly has already been through so much. She deserves happiness and contentment and comfortability and stability. She deserves everything she needs and wants. And she deserves all the love one person can handle. That's what I want to give her. All of my love and devotion and heart.

Kelly Brown

So, me and Kelly.

Man that is such a complicated statement. I don't really know what to say about this woman. I've known her since she was 16... and now she's going to be 20 on the 29th. So nuts...

I liked her when she was 16 and I still like her now. Four years later and those feelings haven't gone away. I'm just not sure if she knows what she's getting herself into. Or if I even know what I'm getting myself in to with her.

I know who she used to be. I knew she used to drink and smoke and do drugs a lot. I know she blew her money on meaningless things. I know she didn't finish high school. I know she has a hard time sticking to the things she says because she just doesn't have that drive about her.

But I also know that she had got to have the kindest heart in the world. We started talking again before I left for Korea and as soon as I got back, I just stopped talking to her again. I knew how she felt about me and I allowed her to feel that way and I left the negative things about her cloud my judgement. Not because I think that makes her less of a person but because I thought it might hold us both back...

But now its April and we're right back to missing and wanting each other. She doesn't hold it against me. She was hurt but she's not angry or resentful. She just misses me and wants to see me. She still want to be with me. She still wants things to work out between us.

And now there is the possibility that maybe she might be pregnant. And the first thing I say is that I want her to move here so I can adopt the child and the Army would help support us.

She says certain things and they affect me. She calls me baby and my heart kind of skips a beat. She says her goofy little catch phrases and I think she's a dork but she's such a cute dork. Am I seriously falling for this girl? Did I already fall years ago and just never get over her??

It would kind of explain why I haven't been able to fall for anyone else. I haven't felt for anyone the way I felt for Kelly in such a long fucking time. Actually, since Kelly. Aside from the last person I tried to see, I haven't been into anyone - really into anyone knowing me or trying to know me - in such a freaking long time. Kelly was the last person that I just absolutely craved. I couldn't get enough of her. I put in so many hours at DQ just to be with her. I went to her house as often as possible, spent the night, was late for work once because of her and wasn't even mad at her about it. I even got her to call out of work once so that we could spend the day together. And I remember that day perfectly.

I couldn't do anything when she was 16 and I was 18? 19? But now she's almost 20. How can I possibly be with her now? She's thousands of miles away, living at home, pregnant and the guy wants to be involved. That is just a recipe for disaster. But its kind of my fault, isn't it? If I never would've stopped talking to her because I thought we wouldn't work, if I never would've tried things with dumb bitch... Kelly would've never had a one night with some douche.

This situation is so complicated. If she were here or I were there, I wouldn't be hesitating. But I don't know if my hestitation is simply because of distance or something else. Am I afraid of loving her?