Man that is such a complicated statement. I don't really know what to say about this woman. I've known her since she was 16... and now she's going to be 20 on the 29th. So nuts...
I liked her when she was 16 and I still like her now. Four years later and those feelings haven't gone away. I'm just not sure if she knows what she's getting herself into. Or if I even know what I'm getting myself in to with her.
I know who she used to be. I knew she used to drink and smoke and do drugs a lot. I know she blew her money on meaningless things. I know she didn't finish high school. I know she has a hard time sticking to the things she says because she just doesn't have that drive about her.
But I also know that she had got to have the kindest heart in the world. We started talking again before I left for Korea and as soon as I got back, I just stopped talking to her again. I knew how she felt about me and I allowed her to feel that way and I left the negative things about her cloud my judgement. Not because I think that makes her less of a person but because I thought it might hold us both back...
But now its April and we're right back to missing and wanting each other. She doesn't hold it against me. She was hurt but she's not angry or resentful. She just misses me and wants to see me. She still want to be with me. She still wants things to work out between us.
And now there is the possibility that maybe she might be pregnant. And the first thing I say is that I want her to move here so I can adopt the child and the Army would help support us.
She says certain things and they affect me. She calls me baby and my heart kind of skips a beat. She says her goofy little catch phrases and I think she's a dork but she's such a cute dork. Am I seriously falling for this girl? Did I already fall years ago and just never get over her??
It would kind of explain why I haven't been able to fall for anyone else. I haven't felt for anyone the way I felt for Kelly in such a long fucking time. Actually, since Kelly. Aside from the last person I tried to see, I haven't been into anyone - really into anyone knowing me or trying to know me - in such a freaking long time. Kelly was the last person that I just absolutely craved. I couldn't get enough of her. I put in so many hours at DQ just to be with her. I went to her house as often as possible, spent the night, was late for work once because of her and wasn't even mad at her about it. I even got her to call out of work once so that we could spend the day together. And I remember that day perfectly.
I couldn't do anything when she was 16 and I was 18? 19? But now she's almost 20. How can I possibly be with her now? She's thousands of miles away, living at home, pregnant and the guy wants to be involved. That is just a recipe for disaster. But its kind of my fault, isn't it? If I never would've stopped talking to her because I thought we wouldn't work, if I never would've tried things with dumb bitch... Kelly would've never had a one night with some douche.
This situation is so complicated. If she were here or I were there, I wouldn't be hesitating. But I don't know if my hestitation is simply because of distance or something else. Am I afraid of loving her?
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