Absolutely Nothing Night

Kelly is driving me absolutely crazy with the shit that is going on in her life right now. I know I'm not supposed to really complain about trying to be a good girlfriend. I am just fucking tired of this Dave and Jamie bull shit. They are terrible people. Dave is this unstable, possibly bi-polar douche back ass-hole and Jamie is terrible, selfish, egotistical, horrible fucking mother who are both alcholics and drug addicts. All they do is sit up in their dirty fucking home and drink and smoke and pop pills while the baby is in the other room. These people are just... the worse fucking people a person could be involved with. All they do is live shitty lives and they want everyone else to live shitty lives and when they don't live shitty fucking lives, they get upset.

She has a right to be upset about the bullshit in her life but I don't understand why she is so upset that she has to be all depressed and moopy. She really made it seem to me like she didn't give a fuck about Dave. That he has basically just been stalking her and she has been nice by not telling him to fuck off. When really, I think there are some feelings for him somewhere. If she does, she should just fucking say so. I can not stand secrets. I can't stand feelings as if there is something I don't know that I should know. Something that is depremental to our relationship.

She gets upset and she smokes and she drinks and then she has these anxiety attack things and her stomach swells and she can't breath and just everything. Its ridiculous. All this negative fucking bullshit she does when something bad happens just drives me crazy. I don't understand it. I'm just fucking tired of dealing with these people. I don't even know these people and they are affecting my relationship.

Is it wrong to want a happy, healthy relationship? And to want honesty? And to want my girlfriend to be happy?

I just miss her so damn much. Its not fair that these horrible people like Jamie and Dave get to live near her and have her in their lives when they don't appreciate it. They had the chance to have an amazing person in their lives and they are upset because she is better than them. I wish she lived near me. I miss her.

I just want to be with her. I just want to hold her when I'm sad. Its not fair that we're apart. Its not fair that we belong together but we aren't together. I feel like the world is punishing me still...

I feel like everything is still trying to punish me. Still can't fucking drive a car. Can't even get my license without paying a shit ton of fucking money. I can't afford a car and who knows when I will fucking be able to afford one. I'm still broke.

May 3rd to May 13th

I just spent the best week and a half with the most amazing girl I've ever met and being away from her right now feels so much worse than I thought it would be. I knew being away from her was going to be hard, in addition to going back to work tomorrow. But... I just didn't fucking grasp just how hard this was going to be. I'm depressed as fuck. Once I get to PT in the morning, it probably won't be too terrible or it will at least not last forever, but the idea of going to be without Kelly is heartbreaking. And the idea of not seeing or talking to her at all tomorrow... is just unbearable.

Hence... the 24 oz I bought and am almost done with. I have bills and appointments and I'm all alone. Being apart from her is just tearing me apart. I didn't realize how hard it would be to be away from her.

Being with her was absolutely amazing. Since the second I stepped off the plane and saw her waiting for me at the gate. To saying goodbye this morning. She is still the same crazy girl I fell for all those years ago.

I just keep thinking about us being together. Her eyes, her touch, her kiss. I miss being in her arms, I miss holding her hand, I miss cuddling her at night. I miss everything about her. She balled her eyes out when we had to say goodbye and I can't get that image out of my mind. I just miss her so much.

I am more determined than ever to get her out here. I need her. And I think she needs me too. I hope she does. Because I am so much better with her than I am without her. I need her by my side. I am dreaming of the day that we are together again.