Friendship...

So, I'm packing up my room right now and realizing that all I have is a bunch of small shit and its super annoying and I suck at this packing shit. Oh well. Has to be done. It would be a lot easier if I had a car or someone I could rely enough to move all my shit in one lump sum but I do appreciate Vanessa's help. I just wish.... I dunno. I wish I had a friend who was just a friend for friendships sake. I'm tired of friendships based off of attraction. Like I know that you have to have some kind of attracton to someone to want them around all the time but its driving me nuts. I know Vanessa likes me but the feeling isn't mutual. Meaning that I can't really call her a real friend. Either the attraction is going to go away or she's going to get sick of pining over me and that friendship is going to be over with.

Thankfully, Morgan doesn't have any feelings for me but there is that tiny ounce of a feeling I have for her that won't go away. Maybe its a good thing that I have it because I refuse to allow our friendship to go to hell. So, that's good. But, I can't deal with getting jealous over dumb shit and yelling at each other all the time and being angry and upset. Like. I know friends fight but our friends are so different. I just want our friendship to be a friendship. I want to be able to count on her when I need it. I want to know that she will come for special occasions and that our future families will be family also. I want to know that in five years, if I get married or have a kid or end up in the hospital that Morgan will be there. But I can't even get her to come for my birthday.

And then there is Nana. The first girl I ever loved so that is super complicated already isn't it. At least those feelings have long sense faded and I know that the love between me and her is a love that will never really go away. I don't have to fight to keep her in my life. She just is. And will always be. So. At least that is something I can really count on. I know that no matter where her life takes her or where life takes me, the two of us are solid. Maybe its because we had that time together to really build a foundation for our friendship. Sleeping over, camp, drives back and forth to see each other, spending time with each other's families, fighting with our families because we couldn't see each other, and then the goodbyes. I mean. We have that history that can't be erased and can only be built on. Still. She is in Chicago and I am in Washington and... we are literally living two completely opposite lives...

And that ends my long list of good friends. I mean. I have Okazaki and Santoyo but they are AIT friends and we haven't really spoken in weeks about anything real so talking to them is just... weird. Its only been a year since we've known each other and one of in Hawaii and the other is in Germany (though, deployed to Afghanistan at the moment) so there is no facetime with them. Hopefully, visits but that won't be for who knows how long... until I can get a car and insurances and have enough saved in the bank that a trip to say, another island, doesn't completely break my bank, you know.

I guess. I just want a group of friends... not even a lot... maybe one or two, that is here. With me. That I can count on. That I can truly trust. That I can watch movies with, go drinking with, chill with, go on crazy adventures with. Kelly. My love Kelly, will be here soon and will be able to do all of that fun stuff with me. Yes, finally one of my dreams is actually coming true. But she is my girlfriend. My world. My sun and moon. My future family. She is my girl. And as great a friend as she is not and will become one day, she isn't just a friend and I want someone who can be my just a friend. Someone with no strings attached. Someone that doesn't secretly want to date me or fuck me or steal me from my girlfriend. I just want someone who can be like a brother or sister or family and just be there for me the way I will be there for them.

Yeah. That is pretty much impossible, huh?

Analyzing

““I love you” means that I accept you for the person that you are, and that I do not wish to change you into someone else. It means that I will love you and stand by you even through the worst of times. It means loving you even when you’re in a bad mood, or too tired to do the things I want to do. It means loving you when you’re down, not just when you’re fun to be with. “I love you” means that I know your deepest secrets and do not judge you for them, asking in return that you do not judge me for mine. It means that I care enough to fight for what we have and that I love you enough not to let go. It means thinking of you, dreaming of you, wanting and needing you constantly, and hoping you feel the same way for me.”

So, it is safe to say that I am so very much in love with Kelly Brown. But there is STILL a part of me that is unsure about this relationship. I wish there was a way to figure out how serious Kelly is about this relationship. I mean, I know how serious she is but there is always the lingering worry in the back of my mind. People start questioning everything and then they make me start questioning." Like maybe she's using you just to move." Doubt it. "Maybe she's seeing her exboyfriend behind your back." Highly doubt that. "Maybe she's really straight and this is just a gay phase for her right now." Ugh. That is actually a real worry of mine. Along with, maybe she will get sick of me one day or realize that I am not what she wants to spend the rest of her life with or that maybe she doesn't love me like she thought she did.

Ugh. All these worries and fears and insecurities. Driving me absolutely nuts. I don't know how to quiet them. I'm thinking maybe I should start devulging my own secrets but you know, no one else knows anything about them. And I think the reason why I have never told anyone is because no one really wants to know. I think that is the sign I've been waiting for all these years. And the reason why I never expected any of those other relationships to ever really work out. No one really wants to know me.

No one wants to know about my writing. No one even wants to read them, let alone talk about what they did or did not like about it. Tell me their opinions or get invested in the story or the characters. No one wants to know why I love superheros so much or which ones I love the most and what about this makes them my favorites. No one ever wants to know me. So why give up any part of myself?