Friendship...

So, I'm packing up my room right now and realizing that all I have is a bunch of small shit and its super annoying and I suck at this packing shit. Oh well. Has to be done. It would be a lot easier if I had a car or someone I could rely enough to move all my shit in one lump sum but I do appreciate Vanessa's help. I just wish.... I dunno. I wish I had a friend who was just a friend for friendships sake. I'm tired of friendships based off of attraction. Like I know that you have to have some kind of attracton to someone to want them around all the time but its driving me nuts. I know Vanessa likes me but the feeling isn't mutual. Meaning that I can't really call her a real friend. Either the attraction is going to go away or she's going to get sick of pining over me and that friendship is going to be over with.

Thankfully, Morgan doesn't have any feelings for me but there is that tiny ounce of a feeling I have for her that won't go away. Maybe its a good thing that I have it because I refuse to allow our friendship to go to hell. So, that's good. But, I can't deal with getting jealous over dumb shit and yelling at each other all the time and being angry and upset. Like. I know friends fight but our friends are so different. I just want our friendship to be a friendship. I want to be able to count on her when I need it. I want to know that she will come for special occasions and that our future families will be family also. I want to know that in five years, if I get married or have a kid or end up in the hospital that Morgan will be there. But I can't even get her to come for my birthday.

And then there is Nana. The first girl I ever loved so that is super complicated already isn't it. At least those feelings have long sense faded and I know that the love between me and her is a love that will never really go away. I don't have to fight to keep her in my life. She just is. And will always be. So. At least that is something I can really count on. I know that no matter where her life takes her or where life takes me, the two of us are solid. Maybe its because we had that time together to really build a foundation for our friendship. Sleeping over, camp, drives back and forth to see each other, spending time with each other's families, fighting with our families because we couldn't see each other, and then the goodbyes. I mean. We have that history that can't be erased and can only be built on. Still. She is in Chicago and I am in Washington and... we are literally living two completely opposite lives...

And that ends my long list of good friends. I mean. I have Okazaki and Santoyo but they are AIT friends and we haven't really spoken in weeks about anything real so talking to them is just... weird. Its only been a year since we've known each other and one of in Hawaii and the other is in Germany (though, deployed to Afghanistan at the moment) so there is no facetime with them. Hopefully, visits but that won't be for who knows how long... until I can get a car and insurances and have enough saved in the bank that a trip to say, another island, doesn't completely break my bank, you know.

I guess. I just want a group of friends... not even a lot... maybe one or two, that is here. With me. That I can count on. That I can truly trust. That I can watch movies with, go drinking with, chill with, go on crazy adventures with. Kelly. My love Kelly, will be here soon and will be able to do all of that fun stuff with me. Yes, finally one of my dreams is actually coming true. But she is my girlfriend. My world. My sun and moon. My future family. She is my girl. And as great a friend as she is not and will become one day, she isn't just a friend and I want someone who can be my just a friend. Someone with no strings attached. Someone that doesn't secretly want to date me or fuck me or steal me from my girlfriend. I just want someone who can be like a brother or sister or family and just be there for me the way I will be there for them.

Yeah. That is pretty much impossible, huh?