I feel so love sick right now and I guess it's becoming so overwhelming that I just have to write about it. I'm just making myself miserable watching Degrassi. Seriously, Fiona Coyne drives me wild. I just want a girl like her. She's damaged and lonely and strong and sexy and stylist and... fictional. Still - there has to be a girl like her out there somewhere in the world right? Even still, if there was, I highly doubt they'd be interested in someone like me.
I'm disgusting and everyday I look at myself in the mirror and deal with that. And I can't blame girls for not being interested in me. I'm a freak. I'm a loser. I'm depressed. I'm lonely. I'm broke. I'm disgusting. Why would anyone beautiful and brilliant want to date me?
I guess most of the time it doesn't suck like hell because I can distract myself with Degrassi or some other show or random people from Tumblr or whatever but there are moments when it just really hits me and it hurts and I feel devastatingly alone and disgusting and wrong.
There are days when being trans literally feels like burns all over my body but no matter what I do I can't soothe them. There are days... moments... when I look at my naked self in the mirror and sincerely wish I could rip off these meat sacks on my chest and trim the fat off my ass and stomach and mold my body until the curves of my hips and the thickness of my thighs go away.
There are moments when I feel so disgusting... moments like now... where I just want to be anyone else but myself. Anyone but this short, fat black girl who can't find clothes that will fit right... who constantly has to pull down her T-shirt to cover her abs and make sure the bulge in her stomach doesn't show or that her outline of her breast are too prominent to people.
I'm so sick of being this person. I wish there was someway I could change it all. Be different. Be like the person I see in my head. Feel like the person I think I am. Instead of this disgusting piece of shit I am right now. I feel so wrong. So gross. I feel like I'll never be right. Like living is just a big fucking joke that someone is playing on me. But I can't end things because there is just a tiny sliver of hope that things could change and I'm so fucking stupid that I hold on to the hope, even though it makes no fucking sense logically and even though taking a breath every single second of the day hurts like hell.
I'm so depressed and unhappy and tired and alone and I just want it all to fucking stop. Just once. Just for a while.
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Friday, July 12, 2013
Not Apologizing
"Why don't I have a cute girlfriend?!"
"Well you had Trey and you broke up with her...."
Let me just clear this up right now. Trey was not what I was looking for...
Yes. She was nice and friendly and we had fun together and she cared. But my heart wasn't fucking in it.
One. She fucking lied. I feel lied to. She started talking to me at a time when I said that I really only wanted friends and then I felt really bad when she said she had feelings for me so we began dating. Like. I don't know how to explain this really, not without sounding like a huge fucking dick but whatever.
At the beginning of this year, I was so damn sad and hopeless and I just wanted a friend. I wanted someone who would care. And then comes Trey. And she seemed cool and interesting and she said she was trans and I started becoming interested. Maybe caught a few feelings for her. But let me just say that I thought she was a he...
Later. She started getting super attached and yes, I did enjoy the attention so I let it go on. Then she is spending the night and we're having sex and we're dating and I'm meeting her friends and family and then she's asking me out and then she's saying she loves me. And how did this even happen??
She only started talking to me because she wanted someone to date. She didn't want to be my friend. She manipulated me hardcore and I never even realized what the fuck was happening. She used the things I love - superheroes, favorite shows, etc - to gain a connection and then she just went for it. And despite how hesitant I was about it all I didn't want to say anything because I really liked having someone around and spending time with someone and having someone to talk to.
And this was exactly around the time that Kyla totally ditched me for her new girlfriend so I was feeling even more alone than usual....
Trey was not what I wanted. And I can't and I won't feel bad about admitting that. Honestly, I was only initially interested because I wanted a friend and the only reason I thought that allowing more than just a friendly thing to happen was because I thought Trey was trans. But she's not. She's very much a girl. And not the type of girl I wanted.
I'm sick of feeling bad about the fact that I want a girl who is more around my height. And is kind of slender. And has a more of a solid body. And is either super girly or super not girly. No in-fucking-between. I'm not trying to define gender binary whatever... but I know what I like. I like super girly girls (not fems) who have long hair and wear make up. And I like tomboy girls. Possibly butch but definitely masculine. And I like transguys. Dude that identify as male. At home, in public, in private. Do you get what I'm saying?
"Well you had Trey and you broke up with her...."
Let me just clear this up right now. Trey was not what I was looking for...
Yes. She was nice and friendly and we had fun together and she cared. But my heart wasn't fucking in it.
One. She fucking lied. I feel lied to. She started talking to me at a time when I said that I really only wanted friends and then I felt really bad when she said she had feelings for me so we began dating. Like. I don't know how to explain this really, not without sounding like a huge fucking dick but whatever.
At the beginning of this year, I was so damn sad and hopeless and I just wanted a friend. I wanted someone who would care. And then comes Trey. And she seemed cool and interesting and she said she was trans and I started becoming interested. Maybe caught a few feelings for her. But let me just say that I thought she was a he...
Later. She started getting super attached and yes, I did enjoy the attention so I let it go on. Then she is spending the night and we're having sex and we're dating and I'm meeting her friends and family and then she's asking me out and then she's saying she loves me. And how did this even happen??
She only started talking to me because she wanted someone to date. She didn't want to be my friend. She manipulated me hardcore and I never even realized what the fuck was happening. She used the things I love - superheroes, favorite shows, etc - to gain a connection and then she just went for it. And despite how hesitant I was about it all I didn't want to say anything because I really liked having someone around and spending time with someone and having someone to talk to.
And this was exactly around the time that Kyla totally ditched me for her new girlfriend so I was feeling even more alone than usual....
Trey was not what I wanted. And I can't and I won't feel bad about admitting that. Honestly, I was only initially interested because I wanted a friend and the only reason I thought that allowing more than just a friendly thing to happen was because I thought Trey was trans. But she's not. She's very much a girl. And not the type of girl I wanted.
I'm sick of feeling bad about the fact that I want a girl who is more around my height. And is kind of slender. And has a more of a solid body. And is either super girly or super not girly. No in-fucking-between. I'm not trying to define gender binary whatever... but I know what I like. I like super girly girls (not fems) who have long hair and wear make up. And I like tomboy girls. Possibly butch but definitely masculine. And I like transguys. Dude that identify as male. At home, in public, in private. Do you get what I'm saying?
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