Not Apologizing

"Why don't I have a cute girlfriend?!"
"Well you had Trey and you broke up with her...."

Let me just clear this up right now. Trey was not what I was looking for...

Yes. She was nice and friendly and we had fun together and she cared. But my heart wasn't fucking in it.

One. She fucking lied. I feel lied to. She started talking to me at a time when I said that I really only wanted friends and then I felt really bad when she said she had feelings for me so we began dating. Like. I don't know how to explain this really, not without sounding like a huge fucking dick but whatever.

At the beginning of this year, I was so damn sad and hopeless and I just wanted a friend. I wanted someone who would care. And then comes Trey. And she seemed cool and interesting and she said she was trans and I started becoming interested. Maybe caught a few feelings for her. But let me just say that I thought she was a he...

Later. She started getting super attached and yes, I did enjoy the attention so I let it go on. Then she is spending the night and we're having sex and we're dating and I'm meeting her friends and family and then she's asking me out and then she's saying she loves me. And how did this even happen??

She only started talking to me because she wanted someone to date. She didn't want to be my friend. She manipulated me hardcore and I never even realized what the fuck was happening. She used the things I love - superheroes, favorite shows, etc - to gain a connection and then she just went for it. And despite how hesitant I was about it all I didn't want to say anything because I really liked having someone around and spending time with someone and having someone to talk to.

And this was exactly around the time that Kyla totally ditched me for her new girlfriend so I was feeling even more alone than usual....

Trey was not what I wanted. And I can't and I won't feel bad about admitting that. Honestly, I was only initially interested because I wanted a friend and the only reason I thought that allowing more than just a friendly thing to happen was because I thought Trey was trans. But she's not. She's very much a girl. And not the type of girl I wanted.

I'm sick of feeling bad about the fact that I want a girl who is more around my height. And is kind of slender. And has a more of a solid body. And is either super girly or super not girly. No in-fucking-between. I'm not trying to define gender binary whatever... but I know what I like. I like super girly girls (not fems) who have long hair and wear make up. And I like tomboy girls. Possibly butch but definitely masculine. And I like transguys. Dude that identify as male. At home, in public, in private. Do you get what I'm saying?