I feel so love sick right now and I guess it's becoming so overwhelming that I just have to write about it. I'm just making myself miserable watching Degrassi. Seriously, Fiona Coyne drives me wild. I just want a girl like her. She's damaged and lonely and strong and sexy and stylist and... fictional. Still - there has to be a girl like her out there somewhere in the world right? Even still, if there was, I highly doubt they'd be interested in someone like me.
I'm disgusting and everyday I look at myself in the mirror and deal with that. And I can't blame girls for not being interested in me. I'm a freak. I'm a loser. I'm depressed. I'm lonely. I'm broke. I'm disgusting. Why would anyone beautiful and brilliant want to date me?
I guess most of the time it doesn't suck like hell because I can distract myself with Degrassi or some other show or random people from Tumblr or whatever but there are moments when it just really hits me and it hurts and I feel devastatingly alone and disgusting and wrong.
There are days when being trans literally feels like burns all over my body but no matter what I do I can't soothe them. There are days... moments... when I look at my naked self in the mirror and sincerely wish I could rip off these meat sacks on my chest and trim the fat off my ass and stomach and mold my body until the curves of my hips and the thickness of my thighs go away.
There are moments when I feel so disgusting... moments like now... where I just want to be anyone else but myself. Anyone but this short, fat black girl who can't find clothes that will fit right... who constantly has to pull down her T-shirt to cover her abs and make sure the bulge in her stomach doesn't show or that her outline of her breast are too prominent to people.
I'm so sick of being this person. I wish there was someway I could change it all. Be different. Be like the person I see in my head. Feel like the person I think I am. Instead of this disgusting piece of shit I am right now. I feel so wrong. So gross. I feel like I'll never be right. Like living is just a big fucking joke that someone is playing on me. But I can't end things because there is just a tiny sliver of hope that things could change and I'm so fucking stupid that I hold on to the hope, even though it makes no fucking sense logically and even though taking a breath every single second of the day hurts like hell.
I'm so depressed and unhappy and tired and alone and I just want it all to fucking stop. Just once. Just for a while.
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