Wish It Was Over

I don't know.

Kyla was pretty much my last ditch effort at being any type of happy. I just foolishly thought that because I've liked her for so damn long that my feelings much be mutual. I just have this belief that true love... not "true love" but love that is true is only real because it is reciprocated. So I thought that the reason why I haven't been able to get over her in so many years is because she felt the same. But I'm beginning to realize that she doesn't. I'm beginning to accept that there's no way.

It just sucks because I am not in all enthusiastic about continuing my life right now when all I really want is to stop existing.

I'm trying really hard to keep it together but it really kills to know that the girl that you think is so amazing does not feel the same. Not only that but that she prefers the love of someone who is not worthy of her.

I try so hard to be the best version of myself. I try to be the best I can. I try to do thing that will make me better. And I try to always be a good person. But it doesn't matter. I'm never good enough. There is always someone better. And it's beginning to be way too much for me.

I would really just like to end it but it's ridiculous because my sister is a bitch to my mom and my mother is getting older and lonelier and Morgan and Nana for some strange fucking reason seem to actually love me to some extent. And I would just... hate to abandon them before they're actually prepared for that. Tiara, too. I would just really love to know that they would be alright if I was no longer around.

It's crazy how easy it would be to end it. A bunch of sleeping pills and some alcohol. It'd have to be enough to get the job done. And I don't think I'd want anyone to fucking find me. I wish I could just die normally, though. And accident. But something that I can see happening. So right before I'm about to die, I can be like "This is it. Finally." And I don't have to feel bad or wonder who's going to find my body or worry about them trying to save me.

It's so fucking stupid. It's so fucking lame that the pain from this is so severe that I'm right back to wanting it to all end again. I just want it all to end. I want the pain to stop. Why does it hurt so bad here. I just want to cry. I just want to break down and not feel anything for a really long time or maybe never again.

But I can't. I'm stuck here, feeling everything. And having to pretend like I don't feel a fucking thing. Like this shit doesn't phase me. Doesn't kill me. Doesn't destroy me.

I need to find some way to fucking distance myself. Probably by deleting her number and pics and the one thing that she actually uses, facebook. Then I can focus on reclaiming my sanity. Which I desperately need to do because I can't fucking handle any of this shit.