I think my problem is that I keep thinking my life is like things in the stories I read. I keep thinking that someone out there is haboring feelings for me but doesn't want to tell me for fear of rejection or something like that and that all they need is a push from me to make things happen.
But that's not how things are. Not with anyone. And especially not with Kyla. I may have found her attractive since the first day I saw her and I may still have some type of feelings for her but that doesn't mean it's mutual. Kyla is just really charasmatic and friendly and flirtacious. She treats me the way she treats all of her friends. There is nothing special or unqiue about it. And I know admitting that to myself really hurts because I have so much hope that she will wake up one day and see me the way I see her but that isn't going to happy.
Tristan, you have to realize that. You have to realize and accept that Kyla only sees you as a friend and that is how you need to see her. As a friend. It's no different than with Nana and Morgan. In fact, it's pretty much exactly the same. A person connects with you, likes you for who you are and wants to be your friend and you automatically take it to mean something more. When it doesn't mean anything.
You're going to go on leave on Monday and see your family and friends and have a good time. Catch up on sleep. Relax. Remember what it's like to be around people who know you differently than the people you work with. It's a vacation. That's all. It's not supposed to be some attempt at getting Kyla to see you as more than just a friend. Not only is that pathetic but it's super manipulative. You have manipulate people to like you. Have you not learned from Nana and Morgan? You should just be happy that there are still people out there that want to be friends with you, instead of being pissed and sad about the fact that no one wants to date you.
People do want to date you. But those people only want to date you because they want to date anyone. And you don't need that in your life. So just chill.
Seriously. You need to get over this. It's driving us both crazy and I don't know if I can take that much longer. Can't you just focus on better yourself. Focus on improving your PT and going to the promotion board and figuring out where you want to go when you reenlist and saving money and getting top surgery and just all the things that you think will make you happy. Focus on what you think will make you happy. Stop wasting your time and energy having feelings for someone who doesn't have them back... hoping that one day you'll be good enough for them to see you as more than just a friend.
Cause it's bullshit. I know neither one of us can see it now but we seriously do deserve better. We deserve better than Trey and Chai and Tay and Caitlin and Kelly and countless other women who you've settled for because you just don't want to be alone and they don't want to be alone. That's not a good enough reason to date someone. You need to realize that. You need to accept that. And you need to change because of it.
You need to move on from the sorrow you hold on to. You need to change to become someone you can actually tolerate because hating yourself to such a degree is getting so damn old. It would be nice to wake up one day and not wonder what the point of it all is. It would be nice to wake up and not have to convince yourself why you have to get through the day. It would be nice to just wake up and have it all mean something instead of repeatedly telling yourself "I can't see what the purpose of suffering it now but one day it will make sense." It would be nice to wake up and just have it all make sense, right then and there. Do you know what I mean?
So let this Kyla thing go. Let it all go. It's not worth holding onto and making yourself miserable over.
It's really fucking stupid but the truth is that you can't be happy with anyone else if you aren't happy withour anyway. Anything you get into now would be totally fucked beacuse you hate yourself so immensely. If you want something real to come along you have to get to a stage in your life where you actually like you. Life is a journey and you are totally fucking it up because you are not apprecating any of it.
No comments:
Post a Comment