It happens with every girl I date. Well, every girl that I date that I feel as if there could potentially be something substantial. If I like them - genuinely like them - and feel as if I could one day feel something genuine for them, then it doesn't work out. It just doesn't. Not ever. The only girls who want me are the ones that I have to force feelings for. Caitlin. Kelly. Trey. The ones where feelings don't come naturally. The ones where a future seems possible if I just stick it out and try to care for them. Force a future with them to happen.
They are the ones I end up being with.
But the ones where feelings automatically happen? Where I wake up one day and I'm so into them and I anticipate their presence in my life... it self-destructs.
I don't know why I keep expecting something different when I know how it will end up.
Isn't that a little insane? Or a lot of insane?
I keep hoping that things will change and be different. That if I change and become different that things will be different for me. But I guess no matter how much I change, things will never really be different for me.
Wednesday, March 16, 2016
Friday, March 4, 2016
My Pattern...
You know, I really like to relief on past relationships and try and figure shit out based on them. And I am just reading journals from when I was first dating Caitlin and jeezuz, she made me so insecure. Why was I even interested? I had such a naive sense of relationships, man. She was so unsure about dating me and made me feel so bad. Like I couldn't measure up. Like I had to change to be with her. She mad my angry at myself for not being able to measure up. I was so worried about her being with someone else and sharing herself with someone else, when's that's fucking ridiculous. I wanted things to be easy. And I thought that her making me jealous was a good thing??? I couldn't even figure out why I wanted her. I still don't know why, besides the fact that I just wanted someone who would want me back and who had plans for their life.
And dude, she didn't even like sex. Well, she liked being fucked by me. But she didn't like touching me or going down on me and I am starting to realize how important of a thing that is.
I was so busy trying to find someone that "fit" that I forced it and end up super miserable.
She was always so unsure of me and didn't trust me so... no matter why I was the way that I was. Plus, she was so fucking insecure that it was projected onto me somehow...
I don't know.
Anyhow, I wasn't trying to examine my relationship with Caitlin. I was trying to see how long I start in the euphoria stage, typically.
I figure two months is like my cap, when I usually stop feeling it with a person. I was seeing her around 17 October 2009, thinking of dating her by 14 December 2009 but by 7 March 2010 my thoughts were obsessed with Luckey. I was no longer interested in sleeping with Caitlin, but I constantly wanted to fuck Luckey. So.... there's that, eh? Five months. At least with Caitlin. Two months of talking and three months of actually being in a relationship and I was kind of done. Good to know. By June of that year I was miserable.
With Trey, we started talking about 19 January 2013, by 7 February 2013 she was wondering why we weren't together, around March 2013 we actually got together and by 23 June 2013, I broke up with her. So, how long is that? 6 months? 3-ish months of talking and 3-ish months of dating and I was done. So... wow.
This makes me a little worried. Cause it's going on a month of me and Annie talking. Next week will be a month. It's weird though. I feel like I should be more concerned with her getting bored of me because I'm not sure if I'm going to ever get bored of her. When I'm with her... man, I am revved up.
Only time will tell, though.
And dude, she didn't even like sex. Well, she liked being fucked by me. But she didn't like touching me or going down on me and I am starting to realize how important of a thing that is.
I was so busy trying to find someone that "fit" that I forced it and end up super miserable.
She was always so unsure of me and didn't trust me so... no matter why I was the way that I was. Plus, she was so fucking insecure that it was projected onto me somehow...
I don't know.
Anyhow, I wasn't trying to examine my relationship with Caitlin. I was trying to see how long I start in the euphoria stage, typically.
I figure two months is like my cap, when I usually stop feeling it with a person. I was seeing her around 17 October 2009, thinking of dating her by 14 December 2009 but by 7 March 2010 my thoughts were obsessed with Luckey. I was no longer interested in sleeping with Caitlin, but I constantly wanted to fuck Luckey. So.... there's that, eh? Five months. At least with Caitlin. Two months of talking and three months of actually being in a relationship and I was kind of done. Good to know. By June of that year I was miserable.
With Trey, we started talking about 19 January 2013, by 7 February 2013 she was wondering why we weren't together, around March 2013 we actually got together and by 23 June 2013, I broke up with her. So, how long is that? 6 months? 3-ish months of talking and 3-ish months of dating and I was done. So... wow.
This makes me a little worried. Cause it's going on a month of me and Annie talking. Next week will be a month. It's weird though. I feel like I should be more concerned with her getting bored of me because I'm not sure if I'm going to ever get bored of her. When I'm with her... man, I am revved up.
Only time will tell, though.
Fun Friday.
I don't know why I feel the need to give a play-by-play of how things are going with Annie. I guess, it's more to do with the fact that I just enjoy talking about her and thinking about her and reminding moments with her. So, of course I'm going to write about it.
So, today we met at this little cafe downtown called Shameless Grounds. It's like a sex positive cafe that has special nights some nights but Annie really wanted to check it out and it was only two minutes away from her job. Which meant, more time hanging out, which I was all for. The cafe was pretty great and the food was tasty, which was good for me. I was kind of starving. Anywho, we met there and had some food and we talked. It both got there around 11:30, I think. And she just told me about the convo she had with her family the night before about her heath and her moving out. [It sucks, because she went to the gyno and they said her cervix had some abnormal cell growth so she had to get a biopsy like three times. And she was in a bit of pain but they're going to examine it and hopefully it's not cancerous. Fingers crossed]
Oh, yeah, yesterday, after her visit with the doc, she and her sis - who went with her for moral support - had lunch and then she dropped her sis off and she happened to be around Chesterfield so we stopped by the mall and we sat and chatted for a bit before I had to go into work. It was nice. And there was a moment where she got a tiny bit possessive. We were in the store and talking with my co-manager Amy and the two of us were behind the counter and Annie was in front of it and she liked reached over and touched my hand. And like while we were talking, I went over to her side and she got pretty close and like touched my arm while we were chatting with Amy about voting or why she wasn't registered to vote. But it was super cute. I liked it. I'm not even sure if she realized what she was doing, which made it that much more enjoyable for me. Lol.
Anyway. So today, we just chatted about the small fight she and her parents got into about her keeping them out of the loop about her heath and then about her moving out. We actually chatted about so much that I can't really remember everything but that was the most important. We also talked about moments of jealousy we've experienced. And about how many folks we've had sex with. We're about in the same ball park, more than ten, less than twenty. And I let her read some writing I did involving Chase and Dillon back in 2012. I really liked it and want to work on it again but I remember that I stopped writing it because I wanted to redo Alyssa and Shane first. But she seemed to really, really like it. Lol.
Also, the entire time we were hanging out, I couldn't keep my hands off of her. Being around her just really gets me going and touching her, man oh man. She feels so good. Soft and warm and nice. And her lips are amazing. I think my body really responds to her energy. I don't know. I just think we really connect well, personality wise and sexually wise. So, I'm just kind of really enjoying being near her and talking to her and I want more but I don't want to fuck things up by spending too much time together. Like, I want to learn more and I want to spend more time together, however I don't want things to progress too quickly because then it'll be artificial and forced and things will be over before they even begin.
I am getting a little worried, though. I'm getting ready to start my period and I get so fucking needy when I'm on. I want attention. And with how busy her life is, I'm probably going to feel neglected, which is crazy because she's not obligated to give me any freaking attention. So. yeah. Let's hope this passes soon and with as little emotional damage as possible. Lol.
Can't wait to see her again. I enjoy her so much. And she turns me on so fucking much. You know, my period will definitely start if I come a little bit but do I want to push it along or not? Ugh. I don't even know. Probably should try to kick start it as much as possible. Kind of works out since she turns me on so damn much anyway. Need to get rid of some of that tension.
So, today we met at this little cafe downtown called Shameless Grounds. It's like a sex positive cafe that has special nights some nights but Annie really wanted to check it out and it was only two minutes away from her job. Which meant, more time hanging out, which I was all for. The cafe was pretty great and the food was tasty, which was good for me. I was kind of starving. Anywho, we met there and had some food and we talked. It both got there around 11:30, I think. And she just told me about the convo she had with her family the night before about her heath and her moving out. [It sucks, because she went to the gyno and they said her cervix had some abnormal cell growth so she had to get a biopsy like three times. And she was in a bit of pain but they're going to examine it and hopefully it's not cancerous. Fingers crossed]
Oh, yeah, yesterday, after her visit with the doc, she and her sis - who went with her for moral support - had lunch and then she dropped her sis off and she happened to be around Chesterfield so we stopped by the mall and we sat and chatted for a bit before I had to go into work. It was nice. And there was a moment where she got a tiny bit possessive. We were in the store and talking with my co-manager Amy and the two of us were behind the counter and Annie was in front of it and she liked reached over and touched my hand. And like while we were talking, I went over to her side and she got pretty close and like touched my arm while we were chatting with Amy about voting or why she wasn't registered to vote. But it was super cute. I liked it. I'm not even sure if she realized what she was doing, which made it that much more enjoyable for me. Lol.
Anyway. So today, we just chatted about the small fight she and her parents got into about her keeping them out of the loop about her heath and then about her moving out. We actually chatted about so much that I can't really remember everything but that was the most important. We also talked about moments of jealousy we've experienced. And about how many folks we've had sex with. We're about in the same ball park, more than ten, less than twenty. And I let her read some writing I did involving Chase and Dillon back in 2012. I really liked it and want to work on it again but I remember that I stopped writing it because I wanted to redo Alyssa and Shane first. But she seemed to really, really like it. Lol.
Also, the entire time we were hanging out, I couldn't keep my hands off of her. Being around her just really gets me going and touching her, man oh man. She feels so good. Soft and warm and nice. And her lips are amazing. I think my body really responds to her energy. I don't know. I just think we really connect well, personality wise and sexually wise. So, I'm just kind of really enjoying being near her and talking to her and I want more but I don't want to fuck things up by spending too much time together. Like, I want to learn more and I want to spend more time together, however I don't want things to progress too quickly because then it'll be artificial and forced and things will be over before they even begin.
I am getting a little worried, though. I'm getting ready to start my period and I get so fucking needy when I'm on. I want attention. And with how busy her life is, I'm probably going to feel neglected, which is crazy because she's not obligated to give me any freaking attention. So. yeah. Let's hope this passes soon and with as little emotional damage as possible. Lol.
Can't wait to see her again. I enjoy her so much. And she turns me on so fucking much. You know, my period will definitely start if I come a little bit but do I want to push it along or not? Ugh. I don't even know. Probably should try to kick start it as much as possible. Kind of works out since she turns me on so damn much anyway. Need to get rid of some of that tension.
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