Love.

2017 is coming to an end and despite all of the bullshit and pain, I am leaving it a totally different person than when I entered it.

I fell in love with the most wonderful man I've ever known and I will always be thankful to 2017 for turning me into the kind of person that can fall in love and be loved by someone like him.

I have no doubt that I love Cayden. I have no doubt that he loves me.

My love for him is not contingent on his love for me.

My love for him just is.

He gives me everything I want without me ever having to ask for it. His attention. His time. His heart. I never want to change him, I just naturally accept him for who he is but without me ever saying anything about monogamy he decided that what we have is real and that he doesn't want to deal with the "fake shit anymore," his words, not mine. I'm not sure what this says about me but having him tell me that he wants to be exclusive (even if it doesn't end up being permanent) just says so much - because people in the past would never even entertain the thought for me.

I don't know how the fuck he's so good at giving me what I need, even when I don't realize that I need it. Even just saying I love you when I need to hear it or I miss you when I need to hear it. He makes me feel seen and accepted and loved. I don't even have to worry with him. There are no red flags with him.

I can't wait for the day when the two of us are together all of the time but until then I will cherish every single moment that I get with him.

I'm so excited to see where we take each other in 2018. I'm so excited to see the kind of people we both become in 2018. I'm so excited to see what we build together as a couple and an individuals.

I'm so excited to experience the kind of love we will have for each other in 2018. To watch it grow. To feel it grow.

We started as casual acquaintances online nearly six years ago (well he says six but I think it was five), then we became friends and then something close to best friends, then crushes and now partners and can't wait to see what 2018 brings the both of us.

We're So Afraid

People are disappointing.

Everyone only ever gives small percentages of themselves to other people.

Everyone is damaged and broken from their past.

Everyone only ever trusts in small doses.

No one is willing to give themselves to another.

No one wants to be vulnerable.

No one is open to loving another.

Everyone is disappointing.

Everyone is scared.

Everyone is broken.

Everyone is lost.

Everyone is scared.

Everyone is scared.


We're all so fucking scared of trusting and loving and giving our heart to someone that we're only ever parts of ourselves. We saw we care about a person but never fully, never 100%, only in small doses. We're never ourselves with others. We're always scared of them seeing who we are and rejecting it. Or seeing who we are and hating it. Or seeing who we are and recoiling at it.

All we ever do is complain about how much we want to be loved but refuse to love in return. Refuse to give ourselves. Refuse to trust.

We are so scared of being embarrassed and rejected and unloved that we don't love and we don't accept and we aren't open. We're fucking scared.

Even when we love and get our heart broken, it's never 100% broken because we never put 100% in.

What is the point of connecting with another person if its never 100%? And it never fucking is.

"They're going to reject me. They're going to embarrass me. They're going to disappoint me. They're going to make me regret it. They're going to break my heart. They're going to prove to me that I'm unlovable."

We're so afraid that we are unlovable that we make ourselves unlovable.

We're so afraid that we're unlovable that we hold back the important parts of ourselves and then wonder why no one loves us.

We're so afraid that we are unlovable that we don't love.

We're so afraid.

We don't do anything at all...

We just sit back and exist.

Dreams.

Dreams don't come true.

Plans never work out.

Expectations only lead to disappointment.

Still. Nothing. Matters.

Nothing I do matters.

No matter what I am still a fucked up human being.

I'm still unwanted and ignored.

I'm still alone.

I'm still shit.

Cayden

I want to talk about him but I don't want to talk about him.

Just know, he's special.

It Wasn't Love

I wasn't in love with Ande.

You don't make someone feel the way that Ande made me feel - like I wasn't enough, wasn't good enough, wasn't masculine enough, wasn't important enough - and call that love.

Ande made me realize that I didn't like or respect or care enough about myself and that I was willing to put up with just about anything just so that I wouldn't be alone. It wasn't love. But Ande opened my eyes and helped me realize that there was so much work that needed to be done on me.

What's the point of anything if I'm not happy with anything in the end?

I still don't even know if I ever have been in love with anyone.

I thought I had been in love with Nana. Maybe I was. 13 year old me definitely felt that it was "in love." But 28 year old me things maybe it was just love. She was the first person I ever felt any kind of love towards and I don't know. It was a deep love. And it was true on my part. But it was never reciprocated so I don't know if I can say that it was "in love."

Can you be in love with someone that isn't in love with you back??

I don't think so. But I don't know.

I thought I was in love with Morgan. I loved the way she made me feel... happy and wanted and liked. So, I was always excited to hear from her but being around her was never quite as nice.

I thought it was "in love" but maybe it was just something I built up in my head.

It was honest love, it was a kind of love but was it "in love?"

I don't know. I don't think so.

I think true love lasts and when you're in love it's true. I think in order to be in love it has to be true and it has to be unconditional and it has to be enduring. It can later manifest as something else... which has definitely happened with both Nana and Morgan. But was it the kind of true love that was "in love?"

I don't trust. I don't trust people and I don't trust myself and I wonder if I can never be in love if I am like this?

I don't think so.

I don't know.

I don't think so, though.

Done

I want a girlfriend.

I don't want to just keep fucking dating and having sex with people.