It Wasn't Love

I wasn't in love with Ande.

You don't make someone feel the way that Ande made me feel - like I wasn't enough, wasn't good enough, wasn't masculine enough, wasn't important enough - and call that love.

Ande made me realize that I didn't like or respect or care enough about myself and that I was willing to put up with just about anything just so that I wouldn't be alone. It wasn't love. But Ande opened my eyes and helped me realize that there was so much work that needed to be done on me.

What's the point of anything if I'm not happy with anything in the end?

I still don't even know if I ever have been in love with anyone.

I thought I had been in love with Nana. Maybe I was. 13 year old me definitely felt that it was "in love." But 28 year old me things maybe it was just love. She was the first person I ever felt any kind of love towards and I don't know. It was a deep love. And it was true on my part. But it was never reciprocated so I don't know if I can say that it was "in love."

Can you be in love with someone that isn't in love with you back??

I don't think so. But I don't know.

I thought I was in love with Morgan. I loved the way she made me feel... happy and wanted and liked. So, I was always excited to hear from her but being around her was never quite as nice.

I thought it was "in love" but maybe it was just something I built up in my head.

It was honest love, it was a kind of love but was it "in love?"

I don't know. I don't think so.

I think true love lasts and when you're in love it's true. I think in order to be in love it has to be true and it has to be unconditional and it has to be enduring. It can later manifest as something else... which has definitely happened with both Nana and Morgan. But was it the kind of true love that was "in love?"

I don't trust. I don't trust people and I don't trust myself and I wonder if I can never be in love if I am like this?

I don't think so.

I don't know.

I don't think so, though.