Done With It

This is supposed to be about my "Fearless Heart" but I've never been fearless when it comes to my heart. I think I sometimes leave it open for the world to see and today I was feeling like it was bleeding. I think I just got lonely. I go to work and spend a few hours with some friendly people and then I'm off and... I'm alone. Not one of my so-called friends decided to text me back. Which is just fine and dandy. They owe me nothing. Neither of them have any obligations to talk to me. It was just like wow, okay. I just realized that I really have no one I can count on. And I shouldn't be trying to count on anyone. That's my problem.

I get lonely and I let it get the best of me. That's why I've been seeing Caitlin so damn much lately. Why I even began talking to Luckey in the first place. We are both just using each other in hopes of feeling less lonely. She's not the girl I want to be with. And I know I'm not the girl she wants to be with. She just wants me to be the girl she wants... but I'm definitely not. And I'm pretty sick of being used. Whenever she's lonely like this, I just jump up and head over there. Which I don't even know why, since we I do see her its... basically nothing. Its nothing like when I go to see Caitlin. Its not even like when I go see Demetria. I don't feel wanted there at all. When I get there, I'm constantly questioning why I'm even there.

I just know that I need to get my shit together. Its almost 2010. Do I want to enter into a new year with all this shit? I stopped working out. I haven't saved any money. I can't remember the last time I actually studied. I don't write. Don't play my PS2 or watch One Tree Hill. All I do is work, shop and go see these girls. These highs and lows of my depression are becoming uncontrollable so I need to make it managable. My character has gotten so weak... I've gotten so weak. I don't know why I can't get it through my head that dependability is what's destroying me.

Fucking For Real

What the fuck is up with you thinking that I have to always admit shit when you ask a damn question? What is up with me always trying to please you despite how pissed you make me? How much you hurt my fucking feelings like its nothing. Okay, I really get it. I do. So, why does it feel like you're constantly pouring salt on my damn wounds every time you hurt me? Can't you just hurt me and then leave me the fuck alone? What is so hard about that?

God, I understand why your friend never wants to talk. You don't give people a chance to get over things. You just keep on pushing and pushing and then get upset when you don't get what you want. Sorry. I can't ALWAYS please you. Sometimes I need to do things for me, too. Cause you definitely aren't too worried about me. So I have to be.

Ugh. I'm just so pissed right now. Fine, I get it. I'm unwanted and get to be secluded from the group. Thanks for making that known. Now, can I be left the hell alone for a little bit? Stop trying to make me fucking talk all the fucking time. I already don't like to do it. I try to make you happy and because it does help improve my character. But Jeez. Can you just leave it alone for now?

How the hell are you going to one - tell me you're with some girl that likes you. Two - say you're having a movie night with her. Three - saying its the movie night I was not invited to. And four - fucking ask me if I'm mad about it. NO THE FUCK I'M NOT NOW LEAVE ME ALONE. Let me find some way to enjoy the rest of my Sunday. But no, you can't do that, can you? You have to call after I did not decide to text you back and ask me if I was upset. You fucking know I am. You fucking know I don't want to talk about it, so why ask? Why get upset that I don't want to? I sure hope you did not expect me to stop you when you said you were going to sleep cause damn, I do have some pride. I put it aside a lot for you, but trust me, it has not gone anyway. So why don't you just leave me and my pride alone for a little while until we're no longer pissed the hell off at you and your little group. Is that so much to fucking ask?

I swear, I just don't get people sometimes. Like fucking seriously?

Affected

So, I think this Caitlin thing is finally starting to affect me.

I was thinking about her last night. She was the first person I thought of today. And I have been irritated all day.

I keep thinking that this crap is harder than I thought it would be. What I'm going to do once we can talk again. And how I just want to say fuck it and send her a text.

But I can't. I said two weeks and I need to stand by my decision. Even if I have this big ass fear that our time apart is just making her more connected to other people. And making her less connected with me.

I don't know. I can't worry about it. If it was meant for her to be more connected with someone else, then two measly little weeks is not going to make a difference. If she likes me like she says, then I should be okay. Still, I worry. Not everyone is like me. Maybe her feelings for me aren't... strong, at all.

Wish I just knew now.

Only time will tell.

Two Weeks

We're going to meet back in two weeks and reconvene.

We're going to take a break and figure how it all went wrong.

And in that two weeks we're going to see if we can go longer than that.

We're going to use that time to strengthen all of our weaknesses.

And if we're still weak when this is over, then we'll just continue until we're at the place we need to be.

This time is for us.

Lets get it together and put things back in perspective.