Done With It

This is supposed to be about my "Fearless Heart" but I've never been fearless when it comes to my heart. I think I sometimes leave it open for the world to see and today I was feeling like it was bleeding. I think I just got lonely. I go to work and spend a few hours with some friendly people and then I'm off and... I'm alone. Not one of my so-called friends decided to text me back. Which is just fine and dandy. They owe me nothing. Neither of them have any obligations to talk to me. It was just like wow, okay. I just realized that I really have no one I can count on. And I shouldn't be trying to count on anyone. That's my problem.

I get lonely and I let it get the best of me. That's why I've been seeing Caitlin so damn much lately. Why I even began talking to Luckey in the first place. We are both just using each other in hopes of feeling less lonely. She's not the girl I want to be with. And I know I'm not the girl she wants to be with. She just wants me to be the girl she wants... but I'm definitely not. And I'm pretty sick of being used. Whenever she's lonely like this, I just jump up and head over there. Which I don't even know why, since we I do see her its... basically nothing. Its nothing like when I go to see Caitlin. Its not even like when I go see Demetria. I don't feel wanted there at all. When I get there, I'm constantly questioning why I'm even there.

I just know that I need to get my shit together. Its almost 2010. Do I want to enter into a new year with all this shit? I stopped working out. I haven't saved any money. I can't remember the last time I actually studied. I don't write. Don't play my PS2 or watch One Tree Hill. All I do is work, shop and go see these girls. These highs and lows of my depression are becoming uncontrollable so I need to make it managable. My character has gotten so weak... I've gotten so weak. I don't know why I can't get it through my head that dependability is what's destroying me.