Harsh Truth

How did it happen that I've become such a horrible person to someone I love? Someone, who is constantly telling me that all she wants is for me to be happy and understood and supported... and all I do is be cruel to her? What the fuck is that about exactly? I know that I don't believe that me and her are supposed to be together. But... because I don't think she's what I want. But do I have to be this way?

Maybe I am being this way because I'm trying to unconsciously justify what Morgan did to me. Which... was the same shit. Maybe I'm trying to avoid the fact that Morgan believes that we aren't supposed to be together. She doesn't have those type of feelings for me. Just becaue I have them for her doesn't mean she has to have them for me. Just because I love her and would support her and will always be there for her... that doesn't mean she has to have that type of love for me back.

Tonight, Caitlin was asking some pretty good questions and I didn't want to answer them. But now that I thinka bout it, those are the same questions I want to ask Morgan that I'm just too afraid to fear because I know what the answers will be. So, I don't ask and I've never asked. Cause if she tells me then all my hope - hope that I didn't even know I was holding on to - just gets crushed. I guess I really don't want to accept the fact that things aren't going to work out the way I want them to because then I will be truly lost. But Caitlin is so much better than me. Even if it meant being lost and having to refigure everything out, she still takes the risk. And I still continue to be an ass about it all and hurt her. And yeah - if I keep on this path, I will lose her completely. But I keep doing it.

Is is so much... is it so bad to have someone like Caitlin in my life? I don't think I'll ever have deep feelings for her the way she wants and I don't know if that's because I'm holding out for Morgan or because she's just not what I want out of a girl. But either way, I shouldn't be treating her as badly as I have been. I just don't know how to explain it all to her. And maybe I don't know how to explain it all to her because I don't understand the other part of myself... the part that wants Morgan. I don't understand why Morgan did me the way she did and its scarred me so much. And I just want her to tell me that I will never have a chance. And I'm afraid of her telling me that I will never have a chance. And I'm afraid of her knowing because I don't want it to fuck up our friendship. I don't want it to change or dictate anything between us.

But fuck. I need to talk about this. I need to understand and know. Even though I know it won't mean anything to her. That she'll be more worried about hurting my feelings than telling me the truth. But fuck. I'm so sick of holding on. I'm so sick of not being able to move on. I just want to be able to move on. And I think I'm getting to the point where I don't care what it means for our friendship in the end. I just want to fucking be released...

So then, I have to talk to her and tell her and deal with the consequence of that. Even though it cares the fuck out of me. Cause her knowing is going to change everything. And maybe she won't want to move with me because she'll think it has more to do with my feelings for her than the fact that I geniunely care about her and want her to get her life on track. Its just all going to be on the fact that "Oh shit, I think Tiff is in love with me" and not on the fact that Tiff really just wants you to be okay in life.

Shit. I don't know how I"m going to do this. I have to though. I know I do. Even though she's dealing with all of her Rachel drama. And all her feelings with that. And I know my admition of feelings isn't going to change her feelings for Rachel. It just may change her feelings for me.

Ugh. How am I going to start this conversation with her? It needs to happen. Soon. Like right now. I need to just man up, call her and fucking get some real answers for once and then maybe I can finally be set free dude. I'm just a chicken shit.

Fuck me, dude. This sucks.

Broken

I feel so broken all of the time. I feel like I'm always going to feel this way. I'm never going to feel whole.

Horrible

I feel like a horrible waste of space right now. My cousin Tanesha... my fucking cousin Tanesha who I have memories of... died this morning. She was the cousin who moved int with us when I was like 5 or something cause her mom couldn't... I don't know, deal with her or something. And she walked me and Tiara to school everyday. Picked us up. Baby sat while my mom got into whatever it is she got into. I remember looking up to her for a while. And then she pissed me off and I didn't really like her that much. And ever since I've gotten older, I could have gotten close to her and never did. Cause I was too busy being a useless waste of space. I was too busy trying to find girls who didn't give a damn about me and make life harder for my mom and sisters. And just being pathetic. And I never paid my cousin any type of attention, even when my mom told me about all her problems with everything and I just blew it off like oh fucking well. Life is tough.

But I didn't have to be that way. I could've facebooked her. I couldn't got her number and texted or called and told her that I would be there if she needed me. Or something along the lines of some encouraging words. Or I could've just called to listen to what was going on with her. Something. But I never fucking did. And she's gone. And I can't fucking believe this.

I guess I'm just so blown away. And I'm so fucking sorry. I'm sorry for her. I'm guessing she didn't want to fucking die. Today. Alone. She was probably scared and in pain and no one should have to go out like that. She didn't even get a chance to fight it. Or to prepare for it. Or say goodbye. Or know that people loved her one last time. She didn't get any of that. She was just alone and no one even know what happened in her last moments. Its forever lost now.

I just... don't want to go out like that. I know its selfish to say that, right now of all times, but I don't want to leave this world alone. I want to make a mark on this world. I want to influence someone. I want to have people love me and I want to love them back with all of my fucking heart. I want to give them everything. I want kids to love and to watch grow up. I want a career that will provide for my family. I want them to never have to suffer. And right now I feel like I'm just fucking wasting my life.

I'm a horrible fucking person. And it took the death of someone close... the death of my cousin to realize how big of a fucking ass I'm being about everything. No. About what big a fucking mistake I'm making with my life.

I need to change. I really need to do things differently. I can't just disappear. And right now, if I died, that's all that would fucking happen.

New Darkness

Life is just sucking so much. I know that I should not rely on another person for my happiness. In fact, I don't even believe in that shit. I think you should be able to make yourself happy. However, what is my philosophy on allowing another person to make you so unhappy? I want out of this relationship. It's just so much.

I know I can't imagine her not being in my life. But isn't that how is always is with all the fucking girls I've dated? I was so "in love" with all of them and the thought of never being able to see or talk to them was so fucking devastating. Except... look at me now? I don't talk to any of my exes. In fact, I don't like any of them really. I guess, there are some I don't flat out dislike... but I don't talk to or associate with any of them. And I'm just fine. Then again, never had a fucking life with any of them either. Still. I think if me and Caitlin broke up, I could rebuild.

What I'm worried about... is her. I don't know if she'll be okay without me. And I think tha's the deciding factor. The Guilt of leaving her hanging and breaking her heart after a year and a half of a relationship. Then again, half of that time was spent fighting.

I don't know what I'm searching for. I don't know what I'm waiting for. I don't know what I'm hoping for. I just know that I'm nearing my limit before I reach that fucking breaking point.

I know I want friends. I know I want to hang out with people who actually care and give a damn. I want people with shared interest. People to go to the movies with and drink with and hang out with and workout with. People who want to hang out with me.

I just hope something changes soon. That things somehow get better for me... cause right now, all I see is endless darkness and despair. And it sucks. I don't want to be this way. I want to fucking enjoy what this life has to offer. Especially now that I'm in the fucking military. Instead, I'm so fucking unhappy its pathetic.