Horrible

I feel like a horrible waste of space right now. My cousin Tanesha... my fucking cousin Tanesha who I have memories of... died this morning. She was the cousin who moved int with us when I was like 5 or something cause her mom couldn't... I don't know, deal with her or something. And she walked me and Tiara to school everyday. Picked us up. Baby sat while my mom got into whatever it is she got into. I remember looking up to her for a while. And then she pissed me off and I didn't really like her that much. And ever since I've gotten older, I could have gotten close to her and never did. Cause I was too busy being a useless waste of space. I was too busy trying to find girls who didn't give a damn about me and make life harder for my mom and sisters. And just being pathetic. And I never paid my cousin any type of attention, even when my mom told me about all her problems with everything and I just blew it off like oh fucking well. Life is tough.

But I didn't have to be that way. I could've facebooked her. I couldn't got her number and texted or called and told her that I would be there if she needed me. Or something along the lines of some encouraging words. Or I could've just called to listen to what was going on with her. Something. But I never fucking did. And she's gone. And I can't fucking believe this.

I guess I'm just so blown away. And I'm so fucking sorry. I'm sorry for her. I'm guessing she didn't want to fucking die. Today. Alone. She was probably scared and in pain and no one should have to go out like that. She didn't even get a chance to fight it. Or to prepare for it. Or say goodbye. Or know that people loved her one last time. She didn't get any of that. She was just alone and no one even know what happened in her last moments. Its forever lost now.

I just... don't want to go out like that. I know its selfish to say that, right now of all times, but I don't want to leave this world alone. I want to make a mark on this world. I want to influence someone. I want to have people love me and I want to love them back with all of my fucking heart. I want to give them everything. I want kids to love and to watch grow up. I want a career that will provide for my family. I want them to never have to suffer. And right now I feel like I'm just fucking wasting my life.

I'm a horrible fucking person. And it took the death of someone close... the death of my cousin to realize how big of a fucking ass I'm being about everything. No. About what big a fucking mistake I'm making with my life.

I need to change. I really need to do things differently. I can't just disappear. And right now, if I died, that's all that would fucking happen.