Life is just sucking so much. I know that I should not rely on another person for my happiness. In fact, I don't even believe in that shit. I think you should be able to make yourself happy. However, what is my philosophy on allowing another person to make you so unhappy? I want out of this relationship. It's just so much.
I know I can't imagine her not being in my life. But isn't that how is always is with all the fucking girls I've dated? I was so "in love" with all of them and the thought of never being able to see or talk to them was so fucking devastating. Except... look at me now? I don't talk to any of my exes. In fact, I don't like any of them really. I guess, there are some I don't flat out dislike... but I don't talk to or associate with any of them. And I'm just fine. Then again, never had a fucking life with any of them either. Still. I think if me and Caitlin broke up, I could rebuild.
What I'm worried about... is her. I don't know if she'll be okay without me. And I think tha's the deciding factor. The Guilt of leaving her hanging and breaking her heart after a year and a half of a relationship. Then again, half of that time was spent fighting.
I don't know what I'm searching for. I don't know what I'm waiting for. I don't know what I'm hoping for. I just know that I'm nearing my limit before I reach that fucking breaking point.
I know I want friends. I know I want to hang out with people who actually care and give a damn. I want people with shared interest. People to go to the movies with and drink with and hang out with and workout with. People who want to hang out with me.
I just hope something changes soon. That things somehow get better for me... cause right now, all I see is endless darkness and despair. And it sucks. I don't want to be this way. I want to fucking enjoy what this life has to offer. Especially now that I'm in the fucking military. Instead, I'm so fucking unhappy its pathetic.
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