How did it happen that I've become such a horrible person to someone I love? Someone, who is constantly telling me that all she wants is for me to be happy and understood and supported... and all I do is be cruel to her? What the fuck is that about exactly? I know that I don't believe that me and her are supposed to be together. But... because I don't think she's what I want. But do I have to be this way?
Maybe I am being this way because I'm trying to unconsciously justify what Morgan did to me. Which... was the same shit. Maybe I'm trying to avoid the fact that Morgan believes that we aren't supposed to be together. She doesn't have those type of feelings for me. Just becaue I have them for her doesn't mean she has to have them for me. Just because I love her and would support her and will always be there for her... that doesn't mean she has to have that type of love for me back.
Tonight, Caitlin was asking some pretty good questions and I didn't want to answer them. But now that I thinka bout it, those are the same questions I want to ask Morgan that I'm just too afraid to fear because I know what the answers will be. So, I don't ask and I've never asked. Cause if she tells me then all my hope - hope that I didn't even know I was holding on to - just gets crushed. I guess I really don't want to accept the fact that things aren't going to work out the way I want them to because then I will be truly lost. But Caitlin is so much better than me. Even if it meant being lost and having to refigure everything out, she still takes the risk. And I still continue to be an ass about it all and hurt her. And yeah - if I keep on this path, I will lose her completely. But I keep doing it.
Is is so much... is it so bad to have someone like Caitlin in my life? I don't think I'll ever have deep feelings for her the way she wants and I don't know if that's because I'm holding out for Morgan or because she's just not what I want out of a girl. But either way, I shouldn't be treating her as badly as I have been. I just don't know how to explain it all to her. And maybe I don't know how to explain it all to her because I don't understand the other part of myself... the part that wants Morgan. I don't understand why Morgan did me the way she did and its scarred me so much. And I just want her to tell me that I will never have a chance. And I'm afraid of her telling me that I will never have a chance. And I'm afraid of her knowing because I don't want it to fuck up our friendship. I don't want it to change or dictate anything between us.
But fuck. I need to talk about this. I need to understand and know. Even though I know it won't mean anything to her. That she'll be more worried about hurting my feelings than telling me the truth. But fuck. I'm so sick of holding on. I'm so sick of not being able to move on. I just want to be able to move on. And I think I'm getting to the point where I don't care what it means for our friendship in the end. I just want to fucking be released...
So then, I have to talk to her and tell her and deal with the consequence of that. Even though it cares the fuck out of me. Cause her knowing is going to change everything. And maybe she won't want to move with me because she'll think it has more to do with my feelings for her than the fact that I geniunely care about her and want her to get her life on track. Its just all going to be on the fact that "Oh shit, I think Tiff is in love with me" and not on the fact that Tiff really just wants you to be okay in life.
Shit. I don't know how I"m going to do this. I have to though. I know I do. Even though she's dealing with all of her Rachel drama. And all her feelings with that. And I know my admition of feelings isn't going to change her feelings for Rachel. It just may change her feelings for me.
Ugh. How am I going to start this conversation with her? It needs to happen. Soon. Like right now. I need to just man up, call her and fucking get some real answers for once and then maybe I can finally be set free dude. I'm just a chicken shit.
Fuck me, dude. This sucks.
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