I'm done being treated like this by this weed head, former fat, loose disgusting skin, not even that attractive, kind of fat, super insecure, never going to get anywhere, female. I Tried. I actually fucking tried.
Its ridiculous. I looked past all the stuff that would be a No-Go for me. Because I liked this shit. I put up with chick I shouldn't have to because its not who I am. I put my feelings aside. I practically begged. I went against my instincts and the advice of my friends and tried so hard and put my feelings out there.
But this girl has been playing with me the entire time, hasn't she? I told her I liked her. I tried so hard not to let her push me away the way she said she might try to do. I let her hurt my fucking feelings and man...
I'm just not doing this shit anymore. I'm done with this bitch. I really am. And right now, I know that it is wrong to be saying bad thngs about a person... no matter who that person is. No matter what that person does, I should always take the high road but I am so hurt right now. Its ridiculous. She just doesn't give a fuck about me and I actually care enough about her to keep trying.
Whether I can or can not deal with this shit anymore... whether I am or am not strong enough to take this bull shit... I am not taking this bull shit anymore.
I can only be pushed so fucking far. And she pushed me straight into "I don't give a fuck," so I don't give a good God damn fuck.
I'm too old to be babying a fucking 29 year old woman. Grow the fuck up.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Reaching That Point...
What's going to lift this cloak of loneliness and despair? I'm so sick of it. My life is not perfect but its on track. I have good friends but they live across the globe. I made good money but never get to spend it... Why does my life suck so much? Joining the Army was supposed to make things better. Instead, I'm just as depressed as I was in Missouri. Except now I have the added stress of working around important people and getting deployed and working long hours and pushing my body past limits with no rest. What am I accomplishing here that I wasn't accomplishing back in Missouri? At least I was in school then... now I'm in debt. At least I had a car there, now I'm like a hobo. At least I knew people there, now I know no one. At least I had something there. Now I have nothing.
I'm so sick of this bull shit. Fuck. I can't take it, god damn it. I am so utterly alone its ridiculous. At least in Arizona I had battles. If it became absolutely too much to handle I had people who I could hang out with to lessen it a bit. Here, I have absolutely no one. And no way of meeting anyone I can relate to. I'm just fucking alone here man.
And now I have Jenn... who was so fucking great at first. She gave me some type of small hope that maybe this place wouldn't be completely terrible. And then she just completely withdrew and said she wanted to be friends and then got all depressed and shit on me. And now I have to prove somehow to her... or show her somehow that I can be a good friend and be there for her but I'm like two seconds away from saying fuck it. She totally lied. She made it seem like she was so put together and stable and happy in life. Turns out, that was a fucking lie and she's ten times worse off than me. She was embracing what was developing between us and then she just yanked away... leaving me so fucking clueless and hurt and now I'm just getting annoyed.
Why can't I just find someone that takes this shit away? It sucks so bad. It feels like I'm bleeding from the inside out all the god damn time.
I've gotta find something that gives my life meaning. Something that gives me a reason to keep fighting cause right now there is absolutely nothing. And that is a scary fucking thought.
I'm so sick of this bull shit. Fuck. I can't take it, god damn it. I am so utterly alone its ridiculous. At least in Arizona I had battles. If it became absolutely too much to handle I had people who I could hang out with to lessen it a bit. Here, I have absolutely no one. And no way of meeting anyone I can relate to. I'm just fucking alone here man.
And now I have Jenn... who was so fucking great at first. She gave me some type of small hope that maybe this place wouldn't be completely terrible. And then she just completely withdrew and said she wanted to be friends and then got all depressed and shit on me. And now I have to prove somehow to her... or show her somehow that I can be a good friend and be there for her but I'm like two seconds away from saying fuck it. She totally lied. She made it seem like she was so put together and stable and happy in life. Turns out, that was a fucking lie and she's ten times worse off than me. She was embracing what was developing between us and then she just yanked away... leaving me so fucking clueless and hurt and now I'm just getting annoyed.
Why can't I just find someone that takes this shit away? It sucks so bad. It feels like I'm bleeding from the inside out all the god damn time.
I've gotta find something that gives my life meaning. Something that gives me a reason to keep fighting cause right now there is absolutely nothing. And that is a scary fucking thought.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Suck At This
Already…
Wow. I’m getting worse at this. My thing with JayCee lasted for like… three weeks? Yep. Three weeks and now that’s completely over. I thought my crap with Caitlin would make me stronger and smarter. I thought I’d be able to do this dating thing but I can’t date people I might actually like. I can’t spend time with them and tell them what I think and let them see who I am and kiss them and feel close to them and have sex with them… because that just ends up going extremely badly.
No. Instead of all that forth right bull shit, I have to date people I’m not attracted to or can’t have a friendship with or can’t hold a meaningful conversation with. I can’t enjoy their company or the feel of them or have anything in common with them. Ever. Cause the second my feelings get involved… even a tiny bit, its destined for disaster.
I have to learn to stop being truthful. Fuck. I have to learn to stop allowing myself to get attached. I don’t care if I think this girl is absolutely amazing and could be “The One,” I’m not doing this shit to myself again. Its all a bad idea. And there will never be the one. There is no girl out there that could ever think that I was good enough to be with. There will never be a girl who thinks I’m worth trusting. Worth knowing. Because I’m not.
So. Putting an end to this shit right now. I’m going to stop seeing JayCee. Delete her from my phone. Ignore everything on Facebook. Eventually delete her. And then… I don’t know. Focus on this Army shit. Learn my job and learn to do it well. Work out and make my PT perfect. Get a car. Figure out school. Save up some money. Find something to do with my life besides wasting it.
Wow. I’m getting worse at this. My thing with JayCee lasted for like… three weeks? Yep. Three weeks and now that’s completely over. I thought my crap with Caitlin would make me stronger and smarter. I thought I’d be able to do this dating thing but I can’t date people I might actually like. I can’t spend time with them and tell them what I think and let them see who I am and kiss them and feel close to them and have sex with them… because that just ends up going extremely badly.
No. Instead of all that forth right bull shit, I have to date people I’m not attracted to or can’t have a friendship with or can’t hold a meaningful conversation with. I can’t enjoy their company or the feel of them or have anything in common with them. Ever. Cause the second my feelings get involved… even a tiny bit, its destined for disaster.
I have to learn to stop being truthful. Fuck. I have to learn to stop allowing myself to get attached. I don’t care if I think this girl is absolutely amazing and could be “The One,” I’m not doing this shit to myself again. Its all a bad idea. And there will never be the one. There is no girl out there that could ever think that I was good enough to be with. There will never be a girl who thinks I’m worth trusting. Worth knowing. Because I’m not.
So. Putting an end to this shit right now. I’m going to stop seeing JayCee. Delete her from my phone. Ignore everything on Facebook. Eventually delete her. And then… I don’t know. Focus on this Army shit. Learn my job and learn to do it well. Work out and make my PT perfect. Get a car. Figure out school. Save up some money. Find something to do with my life besides wasting it.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Four Day
Thursday has finally come and gone and now I get to spend the weekend with JayCee! I am so excited.
Things with this girl are so insane! I've never been so into a girl before. Not... and actually embrace the feeling instead of embracing it. Cause I've never trusted anyone with these type of feelings before. But JayCee is so different. She's sweet and kind and something about her... her sincerity makes me feel comfortable. I don't see her dumping me later for an ex or only being into me for the sex or something besides the fact that she just likes me. You know what I mean?
She kisses me and it feels genuine. She looks at me and its genuine. And holds my hand or pulls me closer and I think its just because she feels something. Not because she likes the way I look or the way we look together or because she just really wants a girlfriend. I think its because she actually likes me and it feels that way. Its so crazy!
I can't keep my eyes or my hands or my lips off of her. I want her near me all the time. Ugh. Its crazy. I know I shouldn't be this into a person. Its way too fast. But I like the fact that if I was okay with going fast that it would be okay to feel that way. I can trust that if we slow things down and take our time and really get to know each other that she's not going to just disappear or decides she doesn't like me anymore or anything like that.
She's so sincere its crazy! Like. I told her one night that alll I wanted to eat was chocolate chip cookies and that night she made me some and brought them to me! And they're amazingly good. We were at the bar yesterday for karaoke and I was freezing and she gave my her all white, favorite hoodie...and she's a slickler for clothes like me. Trust no one with the clothes! But she game me her and said to hold on to it. Lol. I know that's something small but... I don't know. She makes me feel like a girl one moment and then the next I get to be dominant and its great. I get to be who I am, keeping my butchness completely in tact while not always having to be that dominant one. Its great.
Anyway. Its 12 am I need to get some sleep. She's picking me up in the morning and we're going to sneak away from Post for the weekend. One night we're staying in a hotel somewhere and then we're going to be hanging at her place until Sunday. Can't wait!
Things with this girl are so insane! I've never been so into a girl before. Not... and actually embrace the feeling instead of embracing it. Cause I've never trusted anyone with these type of feelings before. But JayCee is so different. She's sweet and kind and something about her... her sincerity makes me feel comfortable. I don't see her dumping me later for an ex or only being into me for the sex or something besides the fact that she just likes me. You know what I mean?
She kisses me and it feels genuine. She looks at me and its genuine. And holds my hand or pulls me closer and I think its just because she feels something. Not because she likes the way I look or the way we look together or because she just really wants a girlfriend. I think its because she actually likes me and it feels that way. Its so crazy!
I can't keep my eyes or my hands or my lips off of her. I want her near me all the time. Ugh. Its crazy. I know I shouldn't be this into a person. Its way too fast. But I like the fact that if I was okay with going fast that it would be okay to feel that way. I can trust that if we slow things down and take our time and really get to know each other that she's not going to just disappear or decides she doesn't like me anymore or anything like that.
She's so sincere its crazy! Like. I told her one night that alll I wanted to eat was chocolate chip cookies and that night she made me some and brought them to me! And they're amazingly good. We were at the bar yesterday for karaoke and I was freezing and she gave my her all white, favorite hoodie...and she's a slickler for clothes like me. Trust no one with the clothes! But she game me her and said to hold on to it. Lol. I know that's something small but... I don't know. She makes me feel like a girl one moment and then the next I get to be dominant and its great. I get to be who I am, keeping my butchness completely in tact while not always having to be that dominant one. Its great.
Anyway. Its 12 am I need to get some sleep. She's picking me up in the morning and we're going to sneak away from Post for the weekend. One night we're staying in a hotel somewhere and then we're going to be hanging at her place until Sunday. Can't wait!
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