What's going to lift this cloak of loneliness and despair? I'm so sick of it. My life is not perfect but its on track. I have good friends but they live across the globe. I made good money but never get to spend it... Why does my life suck so much? Joining the Army was supposed to make things better. Instead, I'm just as depressed as I was in Missouri. Except now I have the added stress of working around important people and getting deployed and working long hours and pushing my body past limits with no rest. What am I accomplishing here that I wasn't accomplishing back in Missouri? At least I was in school then... now I'm in debt. At least I had a car there, now I'm like a hobo. At least I knew people there, now I know no one. At least I had something there. Now I have nothing.
I'm so sick of this bull shit. Fuck. I can't take it, god damn it. I am so utterly alone its ridiculous. At least in Arizona I had battles. If it became absolutely too much to handle I had people who I could hang out with to lessen it a bit. Here, I have absolutely no one. And no way of meeting anyone I can relate to. I'm just fucking alone here man.
And now I have Jenn... who was so fucking great at first. She gave me some type of small hope that maybe this place wouldn't be completely terrible. And then she just completely withdrew and said she wanted to be friends and then got all depressed and shit on me. And now I have to prove somehow to her... or show her somehow that I can be a good friend and be there for her but I'm like two seconds away from saying fuck it. She totally lied. She made it seem like she was so put together and stable and happy in life. Turns out, that was a fucking lie and she's ten times worse off than me. She was embracing what was developing between us and then she just yanked away... leaving me so fucking clueless and hurt and now I'm just getting annoyed.
Why can't I just find someone that takes this shit away? It sucks so bad. It feels like I'm bleeding from the inside out all the god damn time.
I've gotta find something that gives my life meaning. Something that gives me a reason to keep fighting cause right now there is absolutely nothing. And that is a scary fucking thought.
No comments:
Post a Comment