Rewrite

Me and Kelly are pretty much over. We are just waiting around,waiting for one of us to admit that its over. I'm not all that sad about it. She broke my heart and my trust and didn't even care about the what would happen to me once she was gone. And now that she is back in St. Louis her life is worse than ever. Which, I knew would happen. I knew if she stayed there nothing good would come of it. Her family is a piece of shit and they are just so okay with being that way. They don't strive for better. They are okay with just skating by. With living month to month, pay check to pay check, in bug infested, disgusting apartments and houses, never owning anything of value but the antique sewing machine from their grandmother or whatever. Smoking and drinking their lives away. Baby mama drama, never marrying or being truly in love. Never graduating high school or even getting a GED, never attempting college or getting a degree or having a career that doesn't consist of drawing tattoes and being a cook at some bar and grill.

I thought Kelly was different. I thought she wanted better but all she wants is to be like her family. So I'm going to let her. Even though I loved her and wanted her and dreamed of a future with us, its never going to happen. I feel like everyone as a kid, goes through that drinking and partying and working part time thing. But she is not willing to grow out of that, to grow up and try to join the real world.

I don't know about her but I want better. I want to have a career and degree. I want nice things. I want to own a car and eventually own the place I live in and have savings accounts and investment accounts and vacation in new and exciting places. I want a family. I want my kids not to have to suffer the way I did. I want to retire in 20 years and then become an author and not have to worry about how much later years will be because I have plans and back up plans and children who do not hate my guts because I put them through hell as children. I really don't want to say I want better than her, but I want better than what she is willing to be. She can't even get her GED. She just spends her days with her mom or brothers, swimming and drinking and acting like a child. I want someone who is willing to grow up. To take life seriously. To make sacrifices and  work hard for what they want, even if it takes blood, sweat and tears. Not someone who spends weeks and weeks pouting about her sucky life is and how they are pieces of shit and not good enough.

We all feel that way. Then we get off our lazy asses and come up with a plan and then execute that plan. I more than anyone I know have battled depression. I am still battling it. Shit, I am depressed right now but I'm not going to just give up, even though there are times when I really, really want to. I say it out loud, think about it, lock myself in my room, drink, blow money and pout. And then I get up and do something to change things. If its one thing I have learned about my self is that when I really want something, I will find a way to get it. I wanted money and a future, so I joined the military. I want a car, I got it. I wanted to travel, I found a way. Its not always easy, in fact, its always fucking hard as shit and I always fuck things up along the way, but I find a way. And I will find a way to make things better after totally ruining my life and my bank account because I wanted Kelly. I'm over it. I'm over being heart broken, I'm over being angry, I'm over feeling sorry for myself, I'm over blaming her. I'm just over all of it. It happened, I fucked up, it was a mistake, not its time to move on. I'm only 23. I have at least 50 more years left in me. I'm not going to waste another year, the way I wasted 2012. 2013 will be different. A new Tiffany. A new everything. I will change, I will thrive, I will succeed. And I don't need a female to do that. I'm done thinking that I need someone else in myself to validate everything I've been through and done for myself. I know what I want now.