Okay, I was really debating on where I should put this blog because of the whole concept of this particular blog. This is supposed to focus on my heart and emotions and feelings and whatnot. And I didn't think I should categorize this as involving one of those because then it would make it more than what it actually is. But then I decided that is does have SOMETHING to do with my feelings or sorts so I might as well just bite the bullet and write it here.
I need to find a great distraction than just TV and writing. Its becoming clear to me that I am in fact becoming lonely and I am in fact becoming depressed about it. I'm yearning for human contact and its coming out in the wrong way.
Bottomline, I have to do something about my eagerness to talk to Santoyo. Lately, I've been jumping at the chance to facebook her and speak with her. And I don't want to become too attached. I mean, I'm already attached to her. She is a very good friend, someone I've come to genuinely care about and that doesn't happen very often. I am actually a tiny bit concerned about her being deployed and I actually do want to live close to her so I can visit and hang out. I want prolonged interaction with her I guess, on a more permanent basis but I don't want that to develop into anything else. I know I have a tendency to develop crushes on those close to me, especially in times like this when I'm so lost and alone but not Santoyo and for many different reason. One being, she doesn't think of me that way and I'm sure I don't want her to. And two, Okazaki's who's friendship is more important than a crush I might develop on her ex. If by some weird twist of fate, myself and Toyo ever became involved in anyway, Zaki would say she's okay with it by I'd doubt she would. Our friendship would be forever altered, if not ruined and I do not want that. I know we don't speak the way we used to but that friendship is important to me. I rely on it in a way.
So, to deter myself I need to find a hobby or at least something sufficient enough to focus on so that I find quite so much pleasure in speaking with her. Ugh. And I can not flirt with her. That is so bad. I'ts just been so long since I've found someone worth flirting with and actually fun to flirt with. Flirting with Kelly wasn't even enjoyable. There was no excitement at all with her. Just a lot of fucking pitty and a lot of fucking hoping.
I really just wish that I could change. I really just wish that I could become someone different - better - that who I was last year and the year before that. Its quite annoying, feeling as if you haven't improved at all. When it feels like you are the same exactly loser you were before. Or worse, that you have become more of a loser than you used to be... that you have less that you used to, that you are less than what you were.
I'm working on it. but this week I feel as if I haven't made any progress whatsoever. And I hate that feeling. Its no wonder no girls actually worth it have become interested. And why I don't have a single friend in Washington. God. I hate who I am. Change must happen so or who knows what will become of me...
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