There's nothing with me flirting with Santoyo, right? When we don't talk, I swear I'm okay. I don't really think about what we talked about or whatever. I do kind of miss her so when I'm on facebook I send her a message - especially when I think she's online but I don't do it very often. I don't think. Some days go by before I decide to hit her up. And there's nothing wrong with saying that I miss her or want to see her...
Maybe not. Maybe I do make a point to say "I'm dying to miss you" or "I'll be your travel buddy" or whatever. Ugh. Okay. I flirt with her a little and she flirts back, but its all in good fun, you know. I mean, its not intimate. If she says that scary movies makes her want to cuddle or if she needs human contact she'll try to cuddle with someone, that doesn't really mean much. Does it? Its not like we've cuddled. Or that I plan on cuddling with her. So no lines have been crossed. Right?
adf
I don't know. I think that definitely given the chance, if me and her were alone watching a movie in bed today, especially a scary one, I would probably cuddle a little. But that's only because I'm so deprived of human contact myself.
I guess what I'm saying is that I'm attracted to Santoyo. No big surprised there. She is definitely the kind of girl I'd be into physically. She's white, brown hair, sad eyes, athletic. My type. But Morgan is also my type and as attracted to her as I am, I don't lose my cool when I'm around her. We met because I was attracted to her and as awesome as the sex would be, I don't see her that way. So - how is Santoyo any different? Just because we don't have the best friend barrier, doesn't mean I would jump Santoyo's bones if we were ever alone together.
But I so would, wouldn't I? I don't have to want to start a relationship with someone to be into them right? And being into them doesn't mean I can't be friends with them, right? Plus, I rather enjoy the subterfuge, if you know what I mean. I like being attracted and having not mean anything but friendship. I kinda miss thatfasdf. Makes things exciting and I miss tormenting myself that way, you know. Santoyo never has to be into me and I'm A-Okay with that. In fact, I prefer it.
I think that fact that I don't want to be Santoyo's girlfriend but crave her attention is a good thing. And if, someone, there was some human contact between us, that wouldn't be a bad thing. And I don't really think it would be considered betraying Okazaki. She's so over Santoyo it's kind of... sad. Santoyo loved her so much and Okazaki just didn't feel the same way. No one's fault but, if Zaki never loved her that way than how is it wrong for me to think about a little contact from Toyo?
Maybe because you were there during all of their relationship stuff, for both of them, and
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Twenty Five
I never thought I'd make it past the age of 25. When I was younger, I was sure that I'd off myself before I ever reached that age. Even still, I can't see myself past age 25. I think I stopped imagining what my life would be like past the age of 17... I guess I've never had a plan for my life, really.
In high school, I was so preoccupied with trying to survive it that I never gave much thought to what I would do once it was over. A snappy decision led me to college. Two days after the first day, I decided to move into the dorms and that led me down a totally different path than I ever thought possible.
I think its that same decision making skills that led me to the Army. I was miserable and wanted a way out - to something different, something better and that's what led me to the military. Three and a half years into something that I never really knew I wanted to do and I decided that I wanted to do something else. Never really realizing that the end result actually was something I wanted. I was just too miserable to see it. My depression clouded my judgment, as it always had.
Now I am in the military and still have unfinished business with school that I would love to rectify. That I need to rectify.
Thinking back, I realize that I've never had a plan or ever really seen anything or hoped for. I never saw Nana coming. I never thought this friendship would last as long as it has or grown into what it has. I never thought I'd love her kids like they were my blood neice and nephew. Infact, I love them more than my blood nieces and nephews; I love Nana more than I love my own siblings. Well, the siblings on my dad's side. She is a sister to me.
I never knew Morgan would be my best friend either. Espectially considering how things started with her, I definitely never knew that I would love her quite this much. I figured I'd end up hating her but that couldn't be any further from the truth. I'd do anything for her.
And the two of them actually love me back, which is the more bizarre of it all. They rely on me and think highly of me. They want me around. They are actually begging me to come visit. I wish I could make time to see them both more often. They're sad that I can't. I never really thought I'd have people who loved me that way.
Then there are my sisters. There was a point in time when I disliked them both. Tamara hated my guts and Tiara ignored me, but they've been so damn supportive of who I ended up being. Especially Tiara, who I was sure was ashamed of me. She found out I was homosexual and was fiercing protective of me. Even now, her best friend or boyfriend could say something bad about homosexuals and she'd jump down their throat in a second. In fact, I think she loves telling folks I'm gay because she's actually proud of it. And even though Tamara used to use my sexuality as a weapon against me when we fought, she had never actually shown she has a problem with me. Even though it must've been embarassing, being in high school and people know your older sister was gay - I mean, I know how teenagers can be and how hard it is in high school - but she loves me. Its crazy. She misses me and wants me to come visit her.
Besides, we have more in common than I thought. Neither of us are good as showing affection yet I know she loves me and I love her back. I really couldn't imagine being at odds with either of them. I don't know how I would make it through life without either of them. I need them. I realize this. And I never would've thought that I would love them so much as to need them.
And of course, there is my mother. Who has been the harder person in the world to live with but my love for her is something I can only begin to understand. If anyone has ever pushed me, it was her. It took her so long to finally just love me for me but she does and I can appreciate what it took to get her there. For parents, especially of her generation, to have a daughter like me, its hard. She wants the world to think one thing, so that she can think the same of herself, and then to have such a strong-willed, difficult and very different child like me, it takes a lot. It has its toll. I can't be upset that she just didn't know how to love a kid like me. But she's figured it out. And she realizes that me being gay is not only a non-issue but it doesn't change who I am. Its only a part of who I am. But its not who I am. If that makes sense.
Considering all of this and what I have in my life, one would think inner peace would be easy. I have people who love me and think that I am one impressive fucking person. Yet the emptiness persist. Yet the question I still have lingering in the back of my mind, is will I actually make it to 25? And why can't I even plan for past that? I can say it, that I want to have a kid by the time I am 25, that I want to be a completely different person and that I want to be mature and steady and be on track and be close to someone I myself can be proud of. I want to be closer to my dreams.
But what are my dreams and how come I don't feel strong enough to reach them? How do I get to a point where I will be strong? I want to see past twenty-five. I want to have a plan past twenty-five. Maybe I am just afraid of being disappointed in myself. Like real disappointed. I don't think I can deal with the devastation.
In high school, I was so preoccupied with trying to survive it that I never gave much thought to what I would do once it was over. A snappy decision led me to college. Two days after the first day, I decided to move into the dorms and that led me down a totally different path than I ever thought possible.
I think its that same decision making skills that led me to the Army. I was miserable and wanted a way out - to something different, something better and that's what led me to the military. Three and a half years into something that I never really knew I wanted to do and I decided that I wanted to do something else. Never really realizing that the end result actually was something I wanted. I was just too miserable to see it. My depression clouded my judgment, as it always had.
Now I am in the military and still have unfinished business with school that I would love to rectify. That I need to rectify.
Thinking back, I realize that I've never had a plan or ever really seen anything or hoped for. I never saw Nana coming. I never thought this friendship would last as long as it has or grown into what it has. I never thought I'd love her kids like they were my blood neice and nephew. Infact, I love them more than my blood nieces and nephews; I love Nana more than I love my own siblings. Well, the siblings on my dad's side. She is a sister to me.
I never knew Morgan would be my best friend either. Espectially considering how things started with her, I definitely never knew that I would love her quite this much. I figured I'd end up hating her but that couldn't be any further from the truth. I'd do anything for her.
And the two of them actually love me back, which is the more bizarre of it all. They rely on me and think highly of me. They want me around. They are actually begging me to come visit. I wish I could make time to see them both more often. They're sad that I can't. I never really thought I'd have people who loved me that way.
Then there are my sisters. There was a point in time when I disliked them both. Tamara hated my guts and Tiara ignored me, but they've been so damn supportive of who I ended up being. Especially Tiara, who I was sure was ashamed of me. She found out I was homosexual and was fiercing protective of me. Even now, her best friend or boyfriend could say something bad about homosexuals and she'd jump down their throat in a second. In fact, I think she loves telling folks I'm gay because she's actually proud of it. And even though Tamara used to use my sexuality as a weapon against me when we fought, she had never actually shown she has a problem with me. Even though it must've been embarassing, being in high school and people know your older sister was gay - I mean, I know how teenagers can be and how hard it is in high school - but she loves me. Its crazy. She misses me and wants me to come visit her.
Besides, we have more in common than I thought. Neither of us are good as showing affection yet I know she loves me and I love her back. I really couldn't imagine being at odds with either of them. I don't know how I would make it through life without either of them. I need them. I realize this. And I never would've thought that I would love them so much as to need them.
And of course, there is my mother. Who has been the harder person in the world to live with but my love for her is something I can only begin to understand. If anyone has ever pushed me, it was her. It took her so long to finally just love me for me but she does and I can appreciate what it took to get her there. For parents, especially of her generation, to have a daughter like me, its hard. She wants the world to think one thing, so that she can think the same of herself, and then to have such a strong-willed, difficult and very different child like me, it takes a lot. It has its toll. I can't be upset that she just didn't know how to love a kid like me. But she's figured it out. And she realizes that me being gay is not only a non-issue but it doesn't change who I am. Its only a part of who I am. But its not who I am. If that makes sense.
Considering all of this and what I have in my life, one would think inner peace would be easy. I have people who love me and think that I am one impressive fucking person. Yet the emptiness persist. Yet the question I still have lingering in the back of my mind, is will I actually make it to 25? And why can't I even plan for past that? I can say it, that I want to have a kid by the time I am 25, that I want to be a completely different person and that I want to be mature and steady and be on track and be close to someone I myself can be proud of. I want to be closer to my dreams.
But what are my dreams and how come I don't feel strong enough to reach them? How do I get to a point where I will be strong? I want to see past twenty-five. I want to have a plan past twenty-five. Maybe I am just afraid of being disappointed in myself. Like real disappointed. I don't think I can deal with the devastation.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Restless
I'm not sure what triggered this a few days ago but I am extremely restless. I'm just so sad all of a sudden. I mean, I'm always sad. I'm always depressed. There has been a single day for as far back as I can remember that I haven't been depressed. It just so happen that for some reason this week, it is slowly killing me. And I don't want to make the mistake of getting attached to someone due to my vulnerable state.
I know that finding someone worth being with it never going to really happen. I would really love to have someone I can relate to and be with but I know that's never going to happen. I'm not really sure what my issue is exactly.
And I think that's just that issue. Too much opportunities to feel. If I'm not working or sleeping then I am thinking about how tragically alone I really am. And I just need to find something to help myself not think or feel. That also intails working out. I definitely don't feel this way when I'm working out.
I think what's got me all crazy is the interruption of my routine this past week due to the stupid fucking FTX, and also my period. It totally got me off track. I really just need to scrap this last week or whatever. Sleep it off. And then tomorrow I will go to the gym. Run it out. Sweat it out. And attempt to get my life back on track.
Also, have to remember to get up and go to the PX so I can get a gym back and some other stuff. Maybe just shop around a bit. I just need to fucking chill. I guess I'm glad I'm getting out of here on Sunday because Washington is seriously no good for me.
I know that finding someone worth being with it never going to really happen. I would really love to have someone I can relate to and be with but I know that's never going to happen. I'm not really sure what my issue is exactly.
And I think that's just that issue. Too much opportunities to feel. If I'm not working or sleeping then I am thinking about how tragically alone I really am. And I just need to find something to help myself not think or feel. That also intails working out. I definitely don't feel this way when I'm working out.
I think what's got me all crazy is the interruption of my routine this past week due to the stupid fucking FTX, and also my period. It totally got me off track. I really just need to scrap this last week or whatever. Sleep it off. And then tomorrow I will go to the gym. Run it out. Sweat it out. And attempt to get my life back on track.
Also, have to remember to get up and go to the PX so I can get a gym back and some other stuff. Maybe just shop around a bit. I just need to fucking chill. I guess I'm glad I'm getting out of here on Sunday because Washington is seriously no good for me.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Trouble - Need Change
Okay, I was really debating on where I should put this blog because of the whole concept of this particular blog. This is supposed to focus on my heart and emotions and feelings and whatnot. And I didn't think I should categorize this as involving one of those because then it would make it more than what it actually is. But then I decided that is does have SOMETHING to do with my feelings or sorts so I might as well just bite the bullet and write it here.
I need to find a great distraction than just TV and writing. Its becoming clear to me that I am in fact becoming lonely and I am in fact becoming depressed about it. I'm yearning for human contact and its coming out in the wrong way.
Bottomline, I have to do something about my eagerness to talk to Santoyo. Lately, I've been jumping at the chance to facebook her and speak with her. And I don't want to become too attached. I mean, I'm already attached to her. She is a very good friend, someone I've come to genuinely care about and that doesn't happen very often. I am actually a tiny bit concerned about her being deployed and I actually do want to live close to her so I can visit and hang out. I want prolonged interaction with her I guess, on a more permanent basis but I don't want that to develop into anything else. I know I have a tendency to develop crushes on those close to me, especially in times like this when I'm so lost and alone but not Santoyo and for many different reason. One being, she doesn't think of me that way and I'm sure I don't want her to. And two, Okazaki's who's friendship is more important than a crush I might develop on her ex. If by some weird twist of fate, myself and Toyo ever became involved in anyway, Zaki would say she's okay with it by I'd doubt she would. Our friendship would be forever altered, if not ruined and I do not want that. I know we don't speak the way we used to but that friendship is important to me. I rely on it in a way.
So, to deter myself I need to find a hobby or at least something sufficient enough to focus on so that I find quite so much pleasure in speaking with her. Ugh. And I can not flirt with her. That is so bad. I'ts just been so long since I've found someone worth flirting with and actually fun to flirt with. Flirting with Kelly wasn't even enjoyable. There was no excitement at all with her. Just a lot of fucking pitty and a lot of fucking hoping.
I really just wish that I could change. I really just wish that I could become someone different - better - that who I was last year and the year before that. Its quite annoying, feeling as if you haven't improved at all. When it feels like you are the same exactly loser you were before. Or worse, that you have become more of a loser than you used to be... that you have less that you used to, that you are less than what you were.
I'm working on it. but this week I feel as if I haven't made any progress whatsoever. And I hate that feeling. Its no wonder no girls actually worth it have become interested. And why I don't have a single friend in Washington. God. I hate who I am. Change must happen so or who knows what will become of me...
I need to find a great distraction than just TV and writing. Its becoming clear to me that I am in fact becoming lonely and I am in fact becoming depressed about it. I'm yearning for human contact and its coming out in the wrong way.
Bottomline, I have to do something about my eagerness to talk to Santoyo. Lately, I've been jumping at the chance to facebook her and speak with her. And I don't want to become too attached. I mean, I'm already attached to her. She is a very good friend, someone I've come to genuinely care about and that doesn't happen very often. I am actually a tiny bit concerned about her being deployed and I actually do want to live close to her so I can visit and hang out. I want prolonged interaction with her I guess, on a more permanent basis but I don't want that to develop into anything else. I know I have a tendency to develop crushes on those close to me, especially in times like this when I'm so lost and alone but not Santoyo and for many different reason. One being, she doesn't think of me that way and I'm sure I don't want her to. And two, Okazaki's who's friendship is more important than a crush I might develop on her ex. If by some weird twist of fate, myself and Toyo ever became involved in anyway, Zaki would say she's okay with it by I'd doubt she would. Our friendship would be forever altered, if not ruined and I do not want that. I know we don't speak the way we used to but that friendship is important to me. I rely on it in a way.
So, to deter myself I need to find a hobby or at least something sufficient enough to focus on so that I find quite so much pleasure in speaking with her. Ugh. And I can not flirt with her. That is so bad. I'ts just been so long since I've found someone worth flirting with and actually fun to flirt with. Flirting with Kelly wasn't even enjoyable. There was no excitement at all with her. Just a lot of fucking pitty and a lot of fucking hoping.
I really just wish that I could change. I really just wish that I could become someone different - better - that who I was last year and the year before that. Its quite annoying, feeling as if you haven't improved at all. When it feels like you are the same exactly loser you were before. Or worse, that you have become more of a loser than you used to be... that you have less that you used to, that you are less than what you were.
I'm working on it. but this week I feel as if I haven't made any progress whatsoever. And I hate that feeling. Its no wonder no girls actually worth it have become interested. And why I don't have a single friend in Washington. God. I hate who I am. Change must happen so or who knows what will become of me...
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