Twenty Five

I never thought I'd make it past the age of 25. When I was younger, I was sure that I'd off myself before I ever reached that age. Even still, I can't see myself past age 25. I think I stopped imagining what my life would be like past the age of 17... I guess I've never had a plan for my life, really.

In high school, I was so preoccupied with trying to survive it that I never gave much thought to what I would do once it was over. A snappy decision led me to college. Two days after the first day, I decided to move into the dorms and that led me down a totally different path than I ever thought possible.

I think its that same decision making skills that led me to the Army. I was miserable and wanted a way out - to something different, something better and that's what led me to the military. Three and a half years into something that I never really knew I wanted to do and I decided that I wanted to do something else. Never really realizing that the end result actually was something I wanted. I was just too miserable to see it. My depression clouded my judgment, as it always had.

Now I am in the military and still have unfinished business with school that I would love to rectify. That I need to rectify.

Thinking back, I realize that I've never had a plan or ever really seen anything or hoped for. I never saw Nana coming. I never thought this friendship would last as long as it has or grown into what it has. I never thought I'd love her kids like they were my blood neice and nephew. Infact, I love them more than my blood nieces and nephews; I love Nana more than I love my own siblings. Well, the siblings on my dad's side. She is a sister to me.

I never knew Morgan would be my best friend either. Espectially considering how things started with her, I definitely never knew that I would love her quite this much. I figured I'd end up hating her but that couldn't be any further from the truth. I'd do anything for her.

And the two of them actually love me back, which is the more bizarre of it all. They rely on me and think highly of me. They want me around. They are actually begging me to come visit. I wish I could make time to see them both more often. They're sad that I can't. I never really thought I'd have people who loved me that way.

Then there are my sisters. There was a point in time when I disliked them both. Tamara hated my guts and Tiara ignored me, but they've been so damn supportive of who I ended up being. Especially Tiara, who I was sure was ashamed of me. She found out I was homosexual and was fiercing protective of me. Even now, her best friend or boyfriend could say something bad about homosexuals and she'd jump down their throat in a second. In fact, I think she loves telling folks I'm gay because she's actually proud of it. And even though Tamara used to use my sexuality as a weapon against me when we fought, she had never actually shown she has a problem with me. Even though it must've been embarassing, being in high school and people know your older sister was gay - I mean, I know how teenagers can be and how hard it is in high school - but she loves me. Its crazy. She misses me and wants me to come visit her.

Besides, we have more in common than I thought. Neither of us are good as showing affection yet I know she loves me and I love her back. I really couldn't imagine being at odds with either of them. I don't know how I would make it through life without either of them. I need them. I realize this. And I never would've thought that I would love them so much as to need them.

And of course, there is my mother. Who has been the harder person in the world to live with but my love for her is something I can only begin to understand. If anyone has ever pushed me, it was her. It took her so long to finally just love me for me but she does and I can appreciate what it took to get her there. For parents, especially of her generation, to have a daughter like me, its hard. She wants the world to think one thing, so that she can think the same of herself, and then to have such a strong-willed, difficult and very different child like me, it takes a lot. It has its toll. I can't be upset that she just didn't know how to love a kid like me. But she's figured it out. And she realizes that me being gay is not only a non-issue but it doesn't change who I am. Its only a part of who I am. But its not who I am. If that makes sense.

Considering all of this and what I have in my life, one would think inner peace would be easy. I have people who love me and think that I am one impressive fucking person. Yet the emptiness persist. Yet the question I still have lingering in the back of my mind, is will I actually make it to 25? And why can't I even plan for past that? I can say it, that I want to have a kid by the time I am 25, that I want to be a completely different person and that I want to be mature and steady and be on track and be close to someone I myself can be proud of. I want to be closer to my dreams.

But what are my dreams and how come I don't feel strong enough to reach them? How do I get to a point where I will be strong? I want to see past twenty-five. I want to have a plan past twenty-five. Maybe I am just afraid of being disappointed in myself. Like real disappointed. I don't think I can deal with the devastation.