Fucking Up The Journey

I think my problem is that I keep thinking my life is like things in the stories I read. I keep thinking that someone out there is haboring feelings for me but doesn't want to tell me for fear of rejection or something like that and that all they need is a push from me to make things happen.

But that's not how things are. Not with anyone. And especially not with Kyla. I may have found her attractive since the first day I saw her and I may still have some type of feelings for her but that doesn't mean it's mutual. Kyla is just really charasmatic and friendly and flirtacious. She treats me the way she treats all of her friends. There is nothing special or unqiue about it. And I know admitting that to myself really hurts because I have so much hope that she will wake up one day and see me the way I see her but that isn't going to happy.

Tristan, you have to realize that. You have to realize and accept that Kyla only sees you as a friend and that is how you need to see her. As a friend. It's no different than with Nana and Morgan. In fact, it's pretty much exactly the same. A person connects with you, likes you for who you are and wants to be your friend and you automatically take it to mean something more. When it doesn't mean anything.

You're going to go on leave on Monday and see your family and friends and have a good time. Catch up on sleep. Relax. Remember what it's like to be around people who know you differently than the people you work with. It's a vacation. That's all. It's not supposed to be some attempt at getting Kyla to see you as more than just a friend. Not only is that pathetic but it's super manipulative. You have manipulate people to like you. Have you not learned from Nana and Morgan? You should just be happy that there are still people out there that want to be friends with you, instead of being pissed and sad about the fact that no one wants to date you.

People do want to date you. But those people only want to date you because they want to date anyone. And you don't need that in your life. So just chill.

Seriously. You need to get over this. It's driving us both crazy and I don't know if I can take that much longer. Can't you just focus on better yourself. Focus on improving your PT and going to the promotion board and figuring out where you want to go when you reenlist and saving money and getting top surgery and just all the things that you think will make you happy. Focus on what you think will make you happy. Stop wasting your time and energy having feelings for someone who doesn't have them back... hoping that one day you'll be good enough for them to see you as more than just a friend.

Cause it's bullshit. I know neither one of us can see it now but we seriously do deserve better. We deserve better than Trey and Chai and Tay and Caitlin and Kelly and countless other women who you've settled for because you just don't want to be alone and they don't want to be alone. That's not a good enough reason to date someone. You need to realize that. You need to accept that. And you need to change because of it.

You need to move on from the sorrow you hold on to. You need to change to become someone you can actually tolerate because hating yourself to such a degree is getting so damn old. It would be nice to wake up one day and not wonder what the point of it all is. It would be nice to wake up and not have to convince yourself why you have to get through the day. It would be nice to just wake up and have it all mean something instead of repeatedly telling yourself "I can't see what the purpose of suffering it now but one day it will make sense." It would be nice to wake up and just have it all make sense, right then and there. Do you know what I mean?

So let this Kyla thing go. Let it all go. It's not worth holding onto and making yourself miserable over.

It's really fucking stupid but the truth is that you can't be happy with anyone else if you aren't happy withour anyway. Anything you get into now would be totally fucked beacuse you hate yourself so immensely. If you want something real to come along you have to get to a stage in your life where you actually like you. Life is a journey and you are totally fucking it up because you are not apprecating any of it.

I Just Want The Girl I Like To Like Me Back

What the hell is it about Kyla Marie McDonough that has me so fucking smitten? Is that even the write word for it? Smitten? I think I'm way past that now. Okazaki literally just said that I have it bad for Kyla and I think she's right.  I'm so into this girl and she doesn't even have a clue.

It would be unfair to ask Kyla to figure out how she feels about me. She hasn't been broken up with that BB girl for very long. She's still messing with her head and emotions with all of her craziness.  Kyla is super busy with school and working two jobs and dealing with her family. And to just come out and say "Yes, I know we've been friends for like five or six years or something like that but I like you and want to know if you feel the same" is just bullshit on my part.

This is so damn stupid. I am so miserable over a girl who probably doesn't even feel the same. Like honestly, these feelings are too intense. I sound like a stalker or a weird or freak or something. I'm obsessing over a girl who has never really given me any indication that she feels the same. This is overwhelming and will probably just drive her away quicker. I'm lucky that she still wants to be my friend and I'm fucking pushing it with all of me "feelings" and junk.

This is dumb. I'm done talking about this right now. Too much negative feelings involved with talking about this.

Fake or Real?

I wish I could analyze my feelings. I wish I could distinguish between real feelings and fake ones. I wish I knew what I really genuinely felt from what I just think I felt. Do I only like Kyla because I'm lonely? Because I'm single? Lets think about the past year...

Back in the beginning of the year, before I met Trey and she met that chick, I remember always wanting to talk to her and always thinking she's awesome. We go months without talking and I just always like her.

In high school, I enjoyed her company and liked her. But I couldn't date her so I startd dating Marissa and then a bunch of other girls that I don't even want to name. I remember liking her when I started dating Heather. And when she joined the Army, I remember emailing back and forth and feeling less than thrilled when she met Morgan, but I started dating Chae so... the disappointment lessened. Then I met Caitlin and I remember when she came to visit Missouri and told me last minute and I just really wanted Caitlin to meet her. And then when I went to visit for Thanksgiving, I couldn't stop wanting to just hang out with her and for Morgan to go away for a few hours so we could hang out and just talk. And then when she and Morgan finally broke up, for good, I just wanted her to notice me.

It doesn't exactly sound as if these feelings are false.

It sounds like whenever liking her becomes sucky and she starts dating someone, I date someone to try and forget. And apparently it doesn't actually work. It's been six years and I am still not over her. It's been six years and I still hope that one day she'll start to see my the way I see her.

What the hell is this?

It's not practical to like someone this long. It's not practical to have feelings for someone that doesn't have them back. In fact, it's impossible to have real, genuine feelings for someone unless it's reciprocated.

Since she doesn't feel the same way, these feelings are actually real. They should be able to go away. I just have to make a sincere decision to get over her. For real. No lingering feelings or residual hope.

If I just focus on bettering myself for myself and not someone else then this should be possible.

I mean, she obviously doesn't give a fuck. I mean, she only wants to be friends. She doesn't want anything more. I should be happy with just having her in my life but it's definitely better if I start to distance myself... She said she doesn't know how she feels but I have to take that to mean that she doesn't feel the same and it's time to truly move on.

If I can just focus on other things, I should be able to do it.