I wish I could analyze my feelings. I wish I could distinguish between real feelings and fake ones. I wish I knew what I really genuinely felt from what I just think I felt. Do I only like Kyla because I'm lonely? Because I'm single? Lets think about the past year...
Back in the beginning of the year, before I met Trey and she met that chick, I remember always wanting to talk to her and always thinking she's awesome. We go months without talking and I just always like her.
In high school, I enjoyed her company and liked her. But I couldn't date her so I startd dating Marissa and then a bunch of other girls that I don't even want to name. I remember liking her when I started dating Heather. And when she joined the Army, I remember emailing back and forth and feeling less than thrilled when she met Morgan, but I started dating Chae so... the disappointment lessened. Then I met Caitlin and I remember when she came to visit Missouri and told me last minute and I just really wanted Caitlin to meet her. And then when I went to visit for Thanksgiving, I couldn't stop wanting to just hang out with her and for Morgan to go away for a few hours so we could hang out and just talk. And then when she and Morgan finally broke up, for good, I just wanted her to notice me.
It doesn't exactly sound as if these feelings are false.
It sounds like whenever liking her becomes sucky and she starts dating someone, I date someone to try and forget. And apparently it doesn't actually work. It's been six years and I am still not over her. It's been six years and I still hope that one day she'll start to see my the way I see her.
What the hell is this?
It's not practical to like someone this long. It's not practical to have feelings for someone that doesn't have them back. In fact, it's impossible to have real, genuine feelings for someone unless it's reciprocated.
Since she doesn't feel the same way, these feelings are actually real. They should be able to go away. I just have to make a sincere decision to get over her. For real. No lingering feelings or residual hope.
If I just focus on bettering myself for myself and not someone else then this should be possible.
I mean, she obviously doesn't give a fuck. I mean, she only wants to be friends. She doesn't want anything more. I should be happy with just having her in my life but it's definitely better if I start to distance myself... She said she doesn't know how she feels but I have to take that to mean that she doesn't feel the same and it's time to truly move on.
If I can just focus on other things, I should be able to do it.
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