Its Just Bullshit

Why do people get involved with they are so fucked up themselves? Why do they put that burdon onto other people when they are not okay inside? When they are so messed up and broken? If you can't control your depression, then don't get involved with someone. If your life is fucked up, then don't get involved with someone. If you can't communicate or your first instinct is to be a bitch when you are hurt or your feelings get hurt, do not get involved with someone.

This is a basic fucking concept, people. If you are not ready for a relationship then do not get involved with someone. Don't say you are. Don't say you're working on this. Dude. If you're still working on things... if you're still working on trying to figure out how you can be with someone then you're not fucking ready. You're not fucking ready and don't do that to another fucking human being. A human being you claim to fucking care about. Because if you do then you obviously don't care as much about them as you claim. And you guys shouldn't be together in the first fucking place.

I'm just tired of it. I took a lot of time and energy... a lot of effort figuring myself out to the point where I can be with someone... where I can be alone and made a lot of mistakes getting there but I learned from it. So do not insult me by trying to be with me when you're not ready when I worked so hard to be ready for someone I can care about and be with.

Its just bullshit.

When are people going to stop being so selfish? Alright. I get that you can be lazy or reluctant to help your fucking self. Whatever. But don't say you want to be with someone... that you don't want to be alone... and the be the more selfish prick of all time?

Selfish? How is not wanting to deal with your own fucking problems selfish? Because when you cry and refuse to be alone by getting involved with someone, you drag that someone into your fucking shit. You drag them into your darkness and depression and whatever mess of shit you've got going on.

Stop being so fucking selfish. Seriously. Don't tell me you care about me and want to be with me and then turn around and get all upset and depressed and tell me that it has nothing to fucking do with me. It obviously does. If it doesn't, then we shouldn't fucking be involved.

So maybe you should fucking think about that and think about what you want and think about if that fucking makes sense. If that can actually work. If you want to be with me because you care then fucking act like you care about me. Caring about another person is not just about treating them nicely and doing what you can for them. Its about letting them in and letting them care about you. All aspects. In your brightest time and in your fucking darkest time.

Fucking think about that.

Gosh. I'm so sick of fucking people not understanding. Not getting it. Not fully comprehending what it means to be with someone and then wondering why it didn't fucking work out. Because you fucking fucked it up with your selfishness.

Fucking get a clue already.

No Friends

So. Kyla and this new bitch she is dating are really just... unbelievable. Like, this is such dysfunction and Kyla is just going with it and its really been bothering me and I can't figure out why. Maybe I did have feelings for Kyla way back when, before I ever laid eyes on Trey and my entire world like shifted but those feelings are gone. Now I just really saw her as a friend. Someone I could depend upon, not for anything big but just for small stuff, like when I'm having some kind of anxiety about Trey or Morgan or work I could call her and talk. Or I could just write a bunch of random stuff on her facebook timeline. And then this girl comes in and just ruins that and has Kyla thinking I'm in love with her and that I'm hating on her girl and just all this nonsense. And before I know it, Kyla and this chick are "not actually engaged" but pretty fucking much and I can't even ask a question about anything without her being all distant and hesitant and just.. like... whatever.

Obviously, we didn't have a friendship at all. If this random chick from the net who she has only ever Skyped/Called but never seen or spent any real time with can just come and tear apart whatever friendship I thought we had then it wasn't friendship. It was nothing. And I don't stick around for nothing. Like, I wanted Kyla to be happy and be with someone who deserved her because I thought she was pretty great. It didn't matter who the girl was as long as she treated her right. But this girl doesn't at all and somehow I am the one that is in the wrong.

Well. What's done is done. Kyla has so obviously made a decision I didn't even know needed to be made and I will learn to accept that.

I think the real kicker is that I thought we were actual friends. But we weren't. And I need real friends. And I have none.

I have Nana who has her own life with two beautiful kids and a new boyfriend in Chicago. I have Morgan who has her own life with a gang of girls who are just dying for her attention in Joplin. I have sisters who have lives with work and boyfriends and all that stuff. I have Okazaki who has a life and a girlfriend and a good job.

I'm not saying I want to be someone's entire life but I wish these people had room in their lives for me the way I have room in my life for them. I would drop what I'm doing to talk to these people. I'd give them my last dollar. I'd do absolutely anything for them. But most days I can't even get a text back from any of them. I just want a friend who will be a friend. But I have none. I thought Kyla was my friend but she isn't. She isn't anything.

Oh well. I guess I don't need real friends.

Guilt

So. Trey asked me today... in not so many words, why we aren't a couple yet. Actually, she pretty much said that she couldn't understand why we're not  a couple yet. And I told her I wasn't ready and that I don't want to rush things. And immediately she said, okay, that's fine but she doesn't think we need to take a step back and that she has to think about some things.

And now I feel like a pretty huge fucking jackass for hurting her feelings. But I don't know why. Because I can't understand why not wanting to be in a relationship after only about a month of talking is a bad thing. Sure. We've had sex. My bad? It wasn't exactly my idea. She didn't exactly have to seduce me but I tried to back off but that's not what she wanted. And the other day, she was speaking with her exgirlfriend Jenn about us having sex and Jenn said something about "having sex makes you think you like someone more than you actually do" and I suggested we stop having sex then and she said no.

So why do I feel like a jerk? I'm sorry but I never asked for a girlfriend. I never said I wanted one. I said that I wanted to focus on becoming a better me and that I had goals and stuff that I needed to accomplish. That I needed to change. It just so happen that wanting those things makes me appealing and a very awesome, attractive person noticed me and I noticed them back. How is that a crime?

I like Trey. I really do. I love spending time together and learning more and making her smile and having her make me smile in return. I want to become more with her one day but right now just isn't that day. I'm too fucked up. And I know this.

No, I'm not talking to anyone else. No, I don't want to talk to anyone else. I'm not sleeping with anyone else nor do I want to. I like Trey. I want Trey. But I can't afford to lose myself in a relationship or a woman right now. Everytime things go wrong in my life, its because I got blinded by a girl and fucked things up for myself. I know who I am and how I am and I know what I fucking need right now.

But still, that's not enough. Its not enough to be the only person in my heart or mind. Its not enough to want to be with you. To want you and only you.

Why must you have all of me? Its only been a month.

I don't know. I don't know what to do or think but I know that my mind isn't going to change just because she wants it to. Because she wants more than what I am willing to give right now. If she wants to stop seeing each other than fine. But I've done that "fools rush in" thing and you know what, only fools rush in. This isn't a fucking movie. We do need to take a step back and slow things down if she is going to get upset by the fact that I don't want a girlfriend after only a month of knowing her. There is so much I don't know. So much I should know. And there is so much about myself.

I honestly think we need to slow down. I've already spent so much time and energy and money on her already. I can't afford to visit every weekend. That's an insane amount of gas money and miles. I haven't had a whole weekend to myself since we met.

Like. I still want to be my own person. And that is the main reason. Because I still want to be me. And its already difficult enough because I have no idea who I actually am and adding someone and becoming an "us" and leaving behind all the things I love in order to care or love another person is too fucking much for me right now. Why do I feel bad about not going to see her for a weekend when we spent last weekend together and we're spending the following weekend together and I just saw her a day ago?

Why do I already feel as if I can't be me? I feel like wanting to watch Degrassi on Friday nights and sleep in on Saturdays and go to the gym and then watch Young Justice in the morning and Naruto at night and play videogames and text people and everything is wrong? Like I should want to use all the time it takes to do those things and spend it with her?

This is all insane. I feel like I'm already losing myself.

I don't want something that's fake. I don't want a facebook girlfriend. I don't want to have to put myself second. Maybe that is selfish but that's just how I feel. Like I need to spend more of my time and energy and money doing things I want and not trying to make someone else happy. Because in the end I have to be happy. And doing that isn't going to make me fucking happy.

What To Do

The important thing to remember when you're dating someone and when you're not exactly dating and even when you're just plain single is that you were a your own person before you ever met anyone and you have to remain being your own person. You have things that were important to you and you have to keep those things in mind. Just because you care about someone isn't going to change what you find important in your life.

This is my own advice and I still seem to be having quite a hard time listening to myself.

I really adore Trey. But I have to remember that its okay to be my own person.

I really love spending time with Trey. But we've spend every weekend together for the last month. And we will be spending the 14th to the 18th together next week.

I'm just wondering if I should cool it for this upcoming weekend? I haven't had real time for myself in weeks. And then money. Buying Kovu put me in quite the hole and I won't get paid again until the 15th... meaning, I'm broke as fuck until then. Considering that I only have $75, its going to be a difficult week or two.

But I really want to spend time with her. And I want to have fun with her.

I just also want to work out and sleep. And save some actual cash. I absolutely despise being broke.

I don't know what to do. I can't get enough. I honestly can't. I love spending time with her and being with her. And I love knowing that my day with start and end with her. But I also love my freedom. And being alone. And being able to Facebook and Tumblr for hours at a time. And I like watching whatever I want and having my space for myself.

But I love having her near me. I love cuddling close to her in bed. And kissing her. And her kissing me. I love hearing her voice. Feeling her touch. Her smell. I love looking over and seeing her on my bed or couch or desk chair.

There has to be a middle ground. There has to be able to get both.